Lopez Blogs

Sigh. It almost seems like it's a forgone conclusion that the lovely Stacey won't win this year. It's most likely to be Joe. This will be the fourth out of six years that my act hasn't one. Still, Stacey in the top 3 is pretty amazing and who knows what 4 hours (!) of X Factor over the next two nights holds! And indeed, my fave X Factor act ever, Same Difference, have done pretty well despite the knocks the industry have given. They have a revamped version of Pop out in 2010 as well as a brand new album. While I avoid the Cheryl (Lump of) Cole hour at 6.30pm, I'll catch up on SD recently turning on the lights somewhere and singing the elegant Better Love Me. Loving Sean's jacket btw...

THE X FACTOR WINNER'S SONG:

I was unconvinced about the rumours of Miley Cyrus' The Climb being the winner's song. However, it appears for now that it is likely to be that tune and I've made my peace with that. It's pretty much made for Joe and Stacey, though I suspect the arrangement will be quite similar to Australian Idol Stan Walker's (what THE Mr Karen Walker?!) version. It's no shocker that the song has been featured on an Idol/X Factor around the world before. Simon just loves to pillage those tunes. How about a quick looksie back at the (real) X Factor winner's songs from the past 5 series (and see if any of them measure up to the standard of winner pop set by Girls Aloud in 2002)...

1. 2004 - G4, Circle of Life: Yes, yes Steve Brookstein won but that was about as exciting as Joe winning this year. Let's focus instead on the posh toffs who had a much longer career and would have had a quite delightful first single with the Lion King classic. Jonathan just isn't the same on his own...
2. 2005 - Shayne Ward, That's My Goal: Nowhere near as groundbreaking as SOTU, this was the only original winners song to ever feature in the show and it was a corker; big ballad, trite lyrics that seem quite acceptable in the context of the show, a soaring chorus and brilliant key change. Shayne's career is the one that had the most potential and the one most sadly derailed by Leona's success. Darn it. Bring on the album in 2010...
3. 2006 - Leona Lewis, A Moment Like This: Hardly worth mentioning it was such a lazy lazy choice. Originally the winners tune for Kelly Clarkson on the inaugural American Idol, it was trotted out here as if people hadn't heard it. Not that Leona sang it badly (far from it), it's just that ANYTHING else would have been preferrable...
4. 2007 - Same Difference, When You Believe: I quite enjoyed Leon's first album, very pleasant but he didn't have that sparkle and pizzazzle for me. Oh well. Had Same Diff won and sung this song, followed by 3 or 4 choice cuts from Pop! in quick succession, they would probably be tween darlings today. They will be yet. Not an amazing pick for winners single though. Again. Sigh.
5. 2008 - JLS, Hallelujah: At least they got to sing it in the final before they went on to conquer England with their brand of cool meets cheese pop. Alexandra did a pretty good job (snot withstanding) also. Not surprisingly it had popped up on Swedish Idol in 2007 and American Idol in 2008. Still, not a hideous choice...
6. 2009 - my 3 choices instead of The Climb/Don't Stop Believing: Benny Andersson Band's Story Of A Heart; Delta Goodrem's Born To Try; Agnes Carlsson, Right Here Right Now...

Tomorrow... Idol/X Factor winners songs from around the world. Now on with the show!! That Cheryl Cole thing is mercifully nearly over (though I did see her doing some ballroom dancing which was quite nice to a song that was essentially a slower version of Beat Again - Parachute maybe?) and the excitement in the room is palpable. That is more to do with the fact that the Iceland party food is done and I'm jolly hungry. Ooo voice over man says only one can win a life changing recording contract. That is fine if you are Leona, Alexandra or (to a lesser extent) Shayne. But what about the Leons, Steves, Michelles and David Sneddons of this world? It didn't get them very far! Dermot comes on, shouts at us and does his regular as clockwork spinny thing. Dear god, Cheryl is dressed as a mermaid prostitute this week. Lovely. Ariel will be properly miffed. Dear god, part two - Joe even dresses boring. He is school trousers and a plain shirt. He is dressed like Roy Cropper so that bodes well for his pop career...

STACEY:
Dannii has been to Dagenham (but she's never been to me) this week. She tries to make it sound glamourous but fails. My god, the VT is insanely long this week. It even has it's own party poppers. ARGGH! A ginger cat has just brushed passed me. This is not good. I am seriously scared of pussies. Back to Stacey! The VT is still on! Oh no, she's singing and it's What A Wonderful World (our host Justin shouts, "oi, who's that" from the kitchen which doesn't really dignify an answer!!) She's flawless and mesmerising and looks more relaxed than she has done in ages. Aw, Dannii is all emotional - don't start love, you'll set me off! Blimey! Stacey fancies Jeff Brazier. Well they would probably have really attractive but hyper kids.
OLLY:
Gosh, I just don't think I have the patience to sit through Olly's VT. But I will just to chortle at how unattractive he looked crying at last week's semi (final, not semi hard on. My!) Simon disses the parent's food which to be fair did look like runny shit. It's back to Superstitious for Olly and his "trademark" dance moves which I either hate or love depending on how drunk I am. He slides under some girls legs but misjudges and totally headbuts an errant bit of 'clunge' on the way "in". I find this utterly hilariou. I quite like it over all, though only because it reminds me of a subpar version of Will Young's Your Game (one of my fave songs of the 00s)...
JOE:
He goes back to his old school, which is useful because he's dressed for it tonight. The assembly seems to be populated by dinner ladies. I hope he's not going to sing Dance Wiv Me Farva which means he totally will. He does. Hardly riveting stuff (shit, the cat's eyeing me up), though I do wonder how his dad (alive) feels about him singing about a dead dad (lots of other auditionees). Just a bit dull really though would be quite lovely in a theatrical setting. Cheryl obviously poked herself in the eye while he was singing so she could rival Dannii's emotions. I love how Joe practically forces Dermot into hugging him and then practically dry humps him on the way off stage. Oh to be a fly on their dressing room wall!!

STACEY/MICHAEL BUBLE:
Her duet (Feeling Good) dress is rather sparkly. The lower register of her voice is gorgeous and she looks ecstatic. Oh Michael's still a bit dishy. They look smashing side by side and it's an absolutely amazing performance. Quite stunning. And she managed to get through it looking like she had loads of fun - not like that still annoying fake-awe Alexandra-Beyonce fiasco last year. So yes, out of this world performance, her best ever and quite easily the most magnificent performance of the series. My winner's single has just been performed and I love it!
OLLY/ROBBIE WILLIAMS:
I love the Rob but I'm ever so sick of bloody Angels. Simon looks well smug. Horrible edit of the song too. And Robbie buggers it up totally when he comes in. What is wrong with him lately?! It's all a bit homo-erotic too with them gazing lovingly at each other during the duet bits. Sadly Robbie's voice puts Olly's to shame but they still have a love-in towards the end. First Joe and Dermot, now Olly and Robbie. It's like a porn-you-don't-want-to-see marathon! Nowhere near as good as Stacey and it would be nice if Robbie did a decent X Factor performance...
JOE/GEORGE MICHAEL:
God, it's just like watching repeats with Joe. He's doing "Don't Let Your Son Go Down On Me" as it's christened here. Again. And there is some weird Armageddon-exploding sun thing going on in the background. George looks like he'll be having handbags at dawn with Dermot over Joe (who is doing the annoying fake-awe face. Must be on instructions from Cheryl). The harmonies were quite nice though. Rather brilliantly, George flirtily states that he thinks Joe rose to the occassion. I'm speechless.

STACEY:
It's Who Wants To Live Forever which was the song that really made me see Stacey as more than my favourite contestant and more of a winner capable of enormous performances. She's absolutely done an amazing job tonight - improving on excellence with each number. I love her and Dannii's relationship too :)
OLLY:
It's probably wise he did the razzamatazzy Fool In Love - it suits him lot better. He seems more comfortable with the performance too. It's quite good. He does look like he has the potential to put on a lot of weight and get a bit Elvis-sweaty when he's older, particularly in that badly fitted jacket.
JOE:
3 ballads in a row, and 2 Elton songs (Sorry Seems To Be...). This album's going to be a real corker isn't it? Beautiful voice but wrong arena for it. Oh! He's got a proper boy camel toe! Look! How mortifying. I don't really know what else to say about Joe. Though I think he looks like Nagini from Harry Potter.

* Robbie's You Know Me performance redeems his previous X-Factor track record. The "shall we 'ave a bit of a dance' moment is cheap and horribly pub singer-ish.
* 3 become 2 (which means tomorrow will be the night when 2 become 1) after the break. I'm terrified. Mainly because Bernice is simulating tea-bagging with 2 stuffed reindeer. Oh the depravity.
* Here it is... oh I don't think I have the energy to complete this epic X Factor mission if Stacey isn't in the top 2. And she isn't :( She did herself proud tonight. She's still my x factor winner for this year. And my 3rd fave X Factor contestant ever (after Same Diff and Shayne)...

SUNDAY 13th DECEMBER - THE FINAL PART TWO:

Bloody nora, it's on for two hours again tonight. Two very long hours. I'm not sure how i'm going to structure this because there will be so much filler (and apparently Madonna!) I've not done this live before straight to the computer so it could all be crap. Feel free not to read this shit :) Dermot has exactly the same outfit on as last night (I think) - I hope at least that it has been dry cleaned and that he has sprayed some Lynx on. Nice to see that Cheryl is dressed for a funeral, the black widow. Probably for whoever the dead dad is in Dance With My Father. OOO! The X Factor final twelve are copying Shameless and doing Never Forget complete with baby photos. I think Lloyd looks like he has a bit of plastic surgery. And I completely forgot about Miss Frank! Jedward are back! Oh those adorable little ragamuffins. Olly has now converted Joe for his mormon baptism as they come out bromancing each other in white. It wasn't quite the epic performance it could have been. Probably best to stick with Shameless.

OLLY:
He is singing Twist and Shout. The Ferris Bueller version! Simon clearly hates him with a fiery vengence (after giving him the goodbye speech last night) and has no clue what to do with him tonight as the show is geared towards Joe winning. He's shimmying around the stage like a constipated moose with the most dated song in ages. It's another opportunity to show what a "quirky" dancer he is (i'm entirely sober tonight) and I feel like I'm watching a 50s talent show only with more neon. I still think I'd like Olly to win though if only so Simon can find him something as wonderful as Will Young's Your Game to sing. I wish Louis would stop telling Olly he is sexy, it's a bit rapey. AND! How many bloody times has Olly worn that white shirt with the weird buttons on the collar!! Every freaking week! (Shut up audience!)
JOE:
What is most important about Joe's performance of Don't Stop Believing is that UK people should be watching Glee on E4 on Tuesday (especially you Simon ampersand Mark; and Mark blogthatmarkwrote) for a far superior version and really a rollicking good time. I suppose I should be grateful that it is not a ballad and not an Elton John penned song. What I am disappointed about is that this isn't Circle of Life, which was what made me temporarily like Joe. Oh, look, let's admit it - I do like Joe, but he's not the winner of this show for me and i'm just being bitter and twisted that he's done so well for a theatre auditionee lost on the way to High School Musical 3: The Stage Tour auditions. Why, why, why must Joe dress like someone's boss at work. I actually think I have that suit. Louis says Joe is what this show is all about. I am clearly unclear on the rules of the show!


JLS/ALEXANDRA:
Oh ok this has the potential to be amazing. JLS are singing Bad Boy and I am falling in love with Marvin all over again! I like the subtle "we're the bad boys always catching your eye" change (ie as subtle as a sledge hammer)! Blimey a year's training doesn't half make a difference. Their performances are miles slicker than the finalists. Alexandra is singing Bad Boy with JLS doing some funky dancing. OH (what's occuring) I am bloody loving this. It has sort of not very seamlessly merged into Everybody in Love, but it's not the grace of the edited together 2 songs - it's the amazingness of this XFactor mega group. Seriously, this is far better than anything anyone has performed as guests on the show so far this year :) Imagine a whole album of this - how bloody marvelous would that be? Ok I'm a bit over stimulated but that was ace! And i've finally forgiven Alexandra for the snotty crying last year!
LEONA LEWIS:
I do love a bit of Stop Crying Your Heart Out and it's place as "unofficial tide over" single from her Echo album. It's a rather lovely song and every bit as epic as Run was last Christmas. However, coming after the megaosity that was JLS-Alex, it all seems a tiny bit of a comedown until she gets through the middle eight and knocks that soaring final part out of the ballpark. It really is quite a brilliant number. No wonder Simon keeps forcing it on his acts (namely Rowetta)! Who next? Steve and Leon duet?!


OLLY ~ THE CLIMB:
Remember when the Pop Idol winner's song was totally geared towards Gareth Gates and not at Will Young at all? It's the same with The Climb - it's completely chosen for Joe and not for Olly, and for that reason alone I hope that Olly makes something brilliant out of it. So far I'm disappointed. It's nice enough though and he has the good grace to look slightly embarrassed singing it (though that could be the constipation or nerves). Nice (but predictable) key change. He should have Stan Walker'd it a bit though (see above)...
JOE ~ THE CLIMB:
God I'm so bored, and Joe hasn't come on yet. It's not his fault, it's just so dragged out tonight like the American Idol finales (which I avoid like the plague). Well, one thing has been proved - this song IS far better suited for Joe. God I'm so bored I'm repeating myself. At least Joe has changed out of his suit into... another suit. I thought I had made my peace with this being the winner's song. I haven't. It's just not very exciting at all no matter who sings it. Joe has the same look on his face as Gareth Gates did during the first Pop Idol final - the one that says "i've won haven't I?"! Joe is like Chandler in Friends - completely incapable of crying!! Even i was a bit teary when his dad did VT, though i had just hurt me toe...

GEORGE MICHAEL:
Ah, George is back but without Joe gazing awkwardly/lovingly at him tonight. It's the Christmas song I reviewed earlier this month (the same time I reviewed Simon Curtis' Diablo which would make an exciting cutting edge winning single that really would get people talking!) and also last year. Because it was good enough to be free to people last Christmas, but you have to pay for it this year. I do quite like the song. And it's a proper Christmas song. However, Darren is so bored, he's nipped to the loo and not asked me to live pause. And he asks me to live pause the M&S christmas adverts!
PAUL MCCARTNEY:
Oh. Hardly edge of my seat stuff. This is a real wasted opportunity. George should have sung Last Christmas and Paul could have done Wonderful Christmastime. It would've festived things up nicely. Instead it's some song about a car and Live and Let Die, which just shows that sadly Paul's voice isn't what it used to be :/ Plus nothing tops the Geri Halliwell version.

This is it then. Joe or Olly. I'm mustering up enthusiasm, but I am not as invested as when I wanted JLS or Same Difference to win in previous years. (20 second pause). Oh well. That's that then. I look forward to Joe's musical theatre album in October :) I did want to say thanks to everyone who has stuck with me through this x factor blogging marathon - it's been lots of fun and your comments have been hugely appreciated. PLUS! The blogging stats have gone right up and stayed up so I guess people are sticking around in between the posts too for which I am very grateful. So that's all over. I feel a bit bereft :/ Come back for all the christmas advent calendar posts and my end of year stuff because it's another break in the new year :)

Despite being only 4 singers left in the competition, all battling for a place in next week's final (really? I would have never have worked that out if ITV didn't keep shouting it at me), this is going to be a mammoth post. So grab yourself some festive log, pull up a chair and get comfy cos coming up you've got Elouise, the top 5 X Factor Christmas songs, the show review and Same Diff get even more amazing!

THE REAL X FACTOR:

Last week I featured one of 2010s most exciting pop artists, Simon Curtis. This week, I'm back to writing about another artist who would have been pretty amazing if she had appeared on this year's X Factor. Elouise has had me enchanted for a fair portion of this year, whether it be her delightful version of One Night Only or the powerhouse originals like Another Day or Pretender (clip at the end of the video above). Her latest recording is I Owe You Nothing - at first I was a little sad that this wasn't a Bros cover, but having listened several times, it's hard not to fall in love with this completely intoxicating string laden torch song. Whether it's the raw emotion poured into the verses, the careful use of flute (?) in the chorus that sets off the song perfectly or Elouise's impassioned vocal, it's a masterpiece of a song that once again bodes well for an album of instant and timeless standards. The production adds many layers to the song (whether it's the use of instruments to create drama, or pulling back to focus on Elouise's voice at precisely the right moment to fuel the song forward) and raises it from Disney ballad (which would be more than super) to anthemic delight. Something very special and wonderful is being created here, and I can't wait to hear more. Please check out her amazing Fireman of my Dreams song also and go visit her at Cafe de Paris on the 12th Dec :)

THE X FACTOR GHOST OF CHRISTMAS PAST:

I have to make this week's X Factor post fit in with my advent calendar themed month of posts somehow so I thought I'd showcase some of the Christmas tunes that have either been performed on the show (or similar) or spun out of the show.

• 5 - Pop Idol2 Finalists; War is Over ~ It may have been the year that killed off the pop idol format in this country, but I still adore this treacly treat. Yes, it's the early version of an X Factor charity single - inspiring lyrics, people looking smug that they are still in the competition and others aren't, etc. Plus it has my beloved (and robbed) Suzanne! And Andy Scott Lee back when he was sexy and not the needy nobody he is now :/
• 4 - JLS; Last Christmas ~ works perfectly for the boyband that has ever since straddled the line between cheesy and cool without ever teetering dangerously (though some of the album is too close to cheesy for comfort)! Long may they reign...
• 3 - G4; When A Child Is Born ~ In the rewritten X Factor history in my head, these lovely toffs were the winners and Circle of Life was the winner's single. They didn't sing this on the show (that would be the lovely O Holy Night), but it came a year after and is a perfectly harmonised version of my very fave traditional carol. It's all in making the last chorus soaring, and they did it proud.(For more decent versions of this song, see Il Divo, Shayne Ward, and uh, Lee Ryan!)
• 2 - Shayne Ward; Somewhere Over The Rainbow ~ His version of When A Child Is Born was his festive offering and very well done. However, seeing as I've just covered that song, I'll say once again (for the nth time) that this is my favourite X Factor performance ever. His vocal is amazing, it works wonderfully as a hopeful festive plea but enjoyable all year round. Bah to him being left on the pop shelf, bah!
• 1 - Same Difference; All I Want For Christmas ~ Ah my favourite non-winners ever. Just watch the video. Need I say anymore? The most joyous and delicious act ever, embodying pure pop. Bring on the new music in 2010 ~ their new website has just launched and features all new grown up pics by them where they both look AMAZING. The end

THE LIVE SHOW!!

Thank god this is coming to an end! It feels like it has been going on forever. Plus it seems to be a foregone conclusion that Joe has won, which just breaks my pop heart. It is just such a massive step backwards for pop music. Oh well. Optimism for Stacey! It's MJ night tonight and Dermot is all excited and impressed that Janet will be on stage tomorrow. We all are Dermot, dear, but frankly I'd be more impressed if MJ got on stage and did the greatest comeback known to man :(

OLLY:
They show Olly's initial audition which makes everything he's done since seem like just such a disappointment. I'm hoping Olly at least has the grace to look sad at missing his brother's wedding. No such luck. He's dressed for a mormon baptism and doing a version of Can You Feel It that is sub-par to the amazing V version from a few years back (which makes me want to call up Poppostergirl to discuss this)! Simon stands up to clap which is a bit of an overreaction to the song. Louise reels off the same old platitudes he always does, while Dannii alludes to the "crotch"! He licks his lips again while Dermot reads the number. PORN!
JOE:
Sigh. The vt shows that Joe could probably be the biggest theatre star since Ray Quinn. Oh god. He's doing She's Out Of My Life which is just so ridiculously predictable (at least it's not Ben) and an utterly safe choice. Could he have not done Black or White with a guest rap from Jedward? Or In The Closet (ahem)? No. It's this dullard ballad. I actually make a quick phone call during the performance because it seems like the right thing to do, but then also as improper as secretly texting at a funeral. All the judges are going on about it being outstanding. It was not. It was nice. Hideous shirt though. And his bro-hug shoulder bump with Dermot is still not perfected.
STACEY:
Oh god please vote Stacey. It costs less that a packet of cheese and onion heart attack inducers. Oh she's gone all cabaret club sexy! It's The Way You Make Me Feel. You can't tell she's having wisdom teeth problems at all. It's a bit hard to concentrate what with all the good looking boys grabbing their crotches in the background and there is a weird key change. It's not my favourite performance of hers ever, but she's always lovely and endearing and at least that was a performance, not just sitting on steps (the things you use to go up and down, not the pop group)!
DANYL:
Simon believes that Danyl is the best singer, but I'm personally not sure I would buy his album. Still, I had no interest in Alexandra after being so invested in JLS, and I quite like Overcome. He's doing Man In The Mirror (which Stacey should have done). Simon looks mortified. He's right to. Danyl looks absolutely maniacal and bug eyed, and I'm pretty sure he's quite flat for the first part of the song. In fact, I'm pretty sure the key change was only put in to make his voice in key with everything else. He absolutely flips out near the end, totally overstimulated. I actually want to invoke the Mental Incapacity Act! The video behind Danyl is far better suited to earth song than this - utterly bizarre. Simon tells Danyl it was amazing, but then has to choke on his words, which is most amusing...

OLLY:
His parents are on the vt - clearly his dad is too furious about him missing his brother's wedding to even talk! I'm not even sure what Olly is singing - and dear god, in the instrumental breakdown he totally overdoes his "cool guy" dancing and looks a right goon. Simon thinks that song will get him in the final. Yeah, well Simon thinks a lot of things that are never gonna come true. Olly is wearing a shirt I just ordered (before the show!) from asos! I'd pair it with a bow tie, jeans and this amazing navy blue tux jacket I found though...:P
JOE:
I think I'd rather Joe's gran win the X Factor than Joe though they keep showing that Circle of Life clip which weakens my resolve a little. Oh. Another ballad. Cheryl claps really enthusiastically for no reason at a fairly standard note. Oh don't hate me mark (great x factor blog btw), I am quite liking Open Arms and can see this being single number 2 if he wins, probably rush released in April. It is more the song that I like though - oh no, I'm being swayed by song choice! He sings it very well, but as one of my friends here says "he is very good, but the only thing making me watch is hoping he falls off that box he is standing on". Indeed. Simon mentions it is a song no one knows. Um ok, not only is it the second Journey song Joe has sung in the show (he likes to repeat artists), but it's been used twice on American Idol (Clay Aiken, Elliot Yamin) and Mariah took it to number four. Hardly obscure! Once again Simon is off his face tonight. OH! (what's occuring) - the annual "record that tomorrow and it will be number one" quote comes out. DRINK!
STACEY:
Ooo, Stacey's brother is quite attractive :P That is neither here nor there because her version of Somewhere is entirely flawless, powerful and gorgeous. Seriously, it's one of the most spellbinding performances on the x-factor ever. Record that tomorrow and i'll remortgage my house to get it to number one :P Incredible. Whatever happens now, she is my winner.
DANYL:
So Simon's acts have been last four out of the nine weeks with Danyl taking three of those slots. Yes that seems fair. Oh god, he's on the edge of manipulative tears again in the video. Pull yourself together man. He's doing I Have Nothing. Cheryl won't be pleased because it is a boy singing a girls song and that is ridiculous. It's mainly in tune, which - considering all the insistence of his brillo singing - is actually quite rare. His eyebrows are absolutely crazy and freak me out.

Back tomorrow with the results, Janet Jackson and Lady Gaga in the comments section :)

THE REAL X FACTOR - SIMON CURTIS:

Although you may feel the x-factor write ups are long enough, I like to think of them as your early morning Sunday newspaper, so look upon this little diversion as your magazine supplement. Simon Curtis has long been the brightest future pop star in the firmament and this year he has built up a huge online following due to the release of his single Delusional (read all about it here). When his twitter followers got to 6,800 he promised another free single release and that time has come! Unfortunately, it's not quite ready yet, but that really doesn't matter because he has teased us all with not one, not two, but three tracks from his forthcoming 8 Bit Heart album in the video above. Here's the skinny...

1. Super Psycho Love ~ it has an almost eastern themed beginning, some tribal sounding beats and some nicely dirty lyrics likes "texts from you and sex from you are things that are not so uncommon". The chorus is beyond epic - one of his strongest to date. It's almost like the most amazing boyband chorus you ever heard with Simon's vocal confidently soaring into falsetto with the catchy hook that will stick in your head for days. Then there is this tremendous beat breakdown and Simon cuts the music off :( Onto clip 2!
2. Beat Drop ~ it's an almost spooky beginning to this song with a very deep "let the beat drop" kicking off a super charged frenetic pace that refuses to let up. It's a storming dance floor filler that sounds immense - loving the deep vocal in the chorus, and a little bit of swears built in. I'm not a big swearer myself, but i do love letting out a good "mother-f***ing" when i'm singing along to a song :) Win, win, win. Loving the operatic vocal sample too. PS, the hutchersons have a lovely home and an amazing tree.
3. Brainwash ~ What I love about Simon (and it happens on key tracks on the amazing Alter Boy album) is how he works these incredible samples into his music that not only completely enhance the lyrics but match the song perfectly. Brainwash starts off with what sounds like a politician or religious minister addressing the public before these high pitched synth notes kick in to draw you into the song. I've said it before and i'll say it again - this is shaping up to be an incredible album and one that will be talked about throughout 2010. Simon's just raised his already impossibly high standards. I can't wait to see what comes next!

IT'S TIME. TO FACE. THE MUSIC.

Jedward are gone and apparently the competition is more serious than ever. That's because there will be no huge fun performances. It's obviously all about acey Stacey because she is amazing and I cannot physically bear it if Cheryl wins 2 years in a row. Already I'm convulsing. Still Take That/Elton John week beckons. Cheryl is dressed like Stripper Sindy so I guess it's time for my X Factor weekend to start right here (must Dermot spin round, right round, like a record baby each week when he says that?)

DANYL
Winning this competition means everything to Danyl, which is a massive kick in the gym knickers to the kids he teaches. Danyl goes up tempo this week which is about time becuase he's done ballads nearly every other bloody week. It's Relight My Fire. He's turned the beginning into a cocky look at me moment. His dancing is really embarrasing. It involves this odd walk thing and then energetically sliding from side to side. Honestly, I think Helen Keller would look more natural doing it. The "funky rock" arrangement doesn't really work for the song either. He quite rightly does a patronising little clap to the dancers at the end, because at least they distracted from his performance, though they weren't much cop either. Oh god, I'm in one of those moods about the show already!
LLOYD
My eyes automatically roll whenever Lloyd is announced. Lloyd says he was shocked to be through last week. Not as shocked as the rest of the nation darlin. It's A Million Love Songs (which both Shayne and Leona have done better in one note than the first line that comes out of Lloyd's mouth). It's all down to Lloyd clutching his stomach like he has appendicitis and wearing a boxy looking shirt. None of this is good, including Lloyd's vocal. Lloyd's eyes have died a little, which is a bit sad considering he's about 11.
OLLY
Apart from the trousers, i'm not really sure I'm won over by Olly yet. And "according to the papers" he's in a right strop that he doesn't have a well known take that song. Well yes, the number 3 hit Love Ain't Here Anymore is so unheard of. He sings it well enough to some bird in the audience who looks totally bemused. Why couldn't he have done Never Forget or Shine (um because they will probably be the group singalong tomorrow)? Oh well, it's perfectly pleasant but not amazing. He's a bit overstimulated when he talks to Dermot and licks his lips a lot, not unlike a fluffer on the set of some low budget porn movie.
JOE
I got a text tonight saying "Joe is a gummy homo who should be understudy to Boq in Wicked" which is probably a little harsh but fair (people can be so cruel!). He's the favourite to win, which just curdles my blood because as much as I've enjoyed some of his performances, it's been in a musical theatre school Eisteddford sort of way. He sings Could It Be Magic like he's in Never Forget The Musical with an impressive backdrop of "dancer painting". It's nice, but he looks really stilted. Remember how cheeky Robbie made "come, come, come into my arms" sound? It was a little fun and dirty. Joe makes it sound like he is serenading his Grandma.
STACEY
Stacey seems a bit subdued this week after last week's electric performance. This week she's doing Rule The World (which Dannii gave Rachel Hylton last year and ended up in a spat with Louis who wanted it for JLS). She handles the low notes really well at the start, looks divine and then it's amazing, but not quite as amazing as it should be. That's not to say it's not a lovely restrained performance with some great notes, because it is but something magical is missing from it. She does handle the really difficult notes incredibly well though and she is by far the clear winner in the competition. Simon randomly says "talking of take that i'd like to congratulate Robbie on his engagement" which just shows how relevant Simon continues to be - Robbie hasn't been in Take That for 14 years. Div.

(PS, before we move onto Elton John, read my review of Take That's The Greatest Day here!)

LLOYD
Oh god, Cheryl has chosen a hard song for Lloyd to sing and she thinks it will prove that he deserves his place in the competition. There are SO SO many things wrong with that sentence and even Cheryl looks like she doesn't believe it and can barely keep a straight face while saying it. It's I'm Still Standing and there is more appendicitis, a far too old for him outfit, a weird dance number and a dreadful vocal. More awfulocity. Poor Lloyd - put him as singer number 4 in a Vice like boyband and he'll be fine. The audience boos Louis for being honest and Cheryl comes back with "you haven't got anyone still standing in the competition Louis". Louis retorts "in the charts, Cheryl" whatever that means. Frankly people will remember Jedward a lot longer than they remember Lloyd. There will probably be a Jedward week next year.
DANYL
Yvie stops Danyl from singing in the VT which is rather brilliant and I have this sudden image that Danyl's best performance will come when he's bound, gagged and locked in a cupboard. He does Your Song in the style of Moulin Rouge and I miss a bit of the performance because I run to the dvd cabinet to dig out the movie to remind me to watch it later. I've apparently missed some Danyl hippo mouth and come back to see kids walking onto the stage. Oh Danyl (imagine me shaking my head in disappointment at this point). This is not Chitty Chitty Bang Bang and you are not the child catcher. Such emotional manipulation - he might as well have had a baby in papoose on his chest and breast fed it. Louis says he made the song his own which obviously he didn't. He quite literally robbed it from Ewan McGregor the naughty botty burgler.
OLLY
Simon says this is the only butch Elton John song which is a) a little bit rude, b) untrue - that would be The Bitch Is Back and c) makes me feel a bit better about my snarkiness this week. It's Saturday Night's Alright For Fighting which isn't butch at all but much more suited to Olly's style (despite being impeded by the weird hanging from the ceiling boxing ring mic). The tight trousers and willy outline are back though. Much better performance than earlier. Olly does need to keep his tongue in his mouth though - something I wouldn't be saying if I met him and was seduced by the tight trousers...
JOE
Joe has already sung 2 Elton John songs in the competition's live shows, including one during George Michael week so this is nothing new for him. And he's singing his audition song so this is definitely playing it safe. Sorry Seems To Be The Hardest Word - and as I think I wrote before, it doesn't work for me anymore unless you have a shuffling r'n'b beat and Simon Webbe going "yo yo" halfway through. Sinfully boring version though technically good. Which just sums Joe up perfectly.
STACEY
She gets to go last! Finally! I was convinced it would be Olly. Stacey is singing my favourite Elton John song ever so I am expecting big things. Something About The Way You Look Tonight is just stunning. Stacey better do it justice. Ooo, she's on the piano, which is absolutely a pet hate of mine, but seeing as it's acey Stacey i will forgive her. The chorus is stunning, really beautiful. I might have had a tear in my eye, though that could have been the really hard quality street toffee I just took out the fridge. I'm sure it cracked a molar. Anyway, boo those whore judges for not liking it. It was glorious. Piffle to them I say. And frankly I'm not sure I will have the energy to carry on with this if Stacey is voted out over Lloyd.

Finally, please someone tell me that Don't Stop Believing is NOT the winners song?! See you in the comments later for Rihanna (yawn), Alicia (yawn) and the results!!

RESULTS NOW DISCUSSED IN THE COMMENTS
Check out my weekly catch up post here :)

I'm not having bloody Dermot tell me that my X Factor weekend starts here so I've turned the sound down and am listening to Ant and Dec (the Jedward of the 90s - Dant? Adec? Puncan?!) Lets Get Ready To Rumble - because straight up moving this will get you moving, this track's booming there ain't no hype. It never gets rubbish. Seriously. On the plus side, Dermot's suit is quite nice. I think I saw the same one in the window of Primark earlier today. Cheryl, however, once again has her wardrobe set on whore...

LLOYD:
Cheryl is barely audible when introducing Lloyd. Part of it is the baying crowd, but also the awful bow in her hair drowns her out. Lloyd says he has to fight, fight, fight to stay in the competition and is going to sing harder than ever before. I'm not sure that is even feasible, but it's a bit late to start trying in week 7. He's singing Faith and to distract from poor phrasing and weak breath control, he has had his hair styled like Nick Carter. This means little girls will scream "ohmigodhessocute" and vote for him. At least Brian hasn't littered the stage with streetwalkers as is his want with Lloyd. It's already inappropriate enough that Lloyd has a tattoo at 16. It was sort of ok, but this is week seven and I expect more. One point, I sort of want to just mute the entire audience. It's insane.
STACEY:
Ace Stace has a lot to live up to this week after her gorgeous performance last week. She's "gon'ome" this week and her son is utterly adorable as are her friends (one of them is Keisha Sugababe)! She's singing a Bonnie Raitt song which George Michael covered. I can almost see Louis flicking through his rule book furtively underneath the desk. She belts out an incredible note with some nice light effects shining out next to her. Gorge. I'm hoping it's enough because I have an uneasy feeling in my tummy that the British public doesn't quite get Stacey as a pop star, which of course is total lunacy on their part. She would be an amazing popstar. Sidebar: I quite like bow ties, but Louis proves they don't work on everyone. He looks like Professor Layton.
JEDWARD:
They are still going on about the pineapple incident that no one saw and lasted about a second. Calvin Harris must be laughing into his pineapple and cheese on a stick platter. Until he looks at his latest chart position of course. Ooo, John and Edward are singing I'm Your Man and it's got their trademark glance-at-each-other-furtively-to-see-if-still-doing-the-right-moves eye movements, which is now part of their appeal. Blimey, now it's merged (not seamlessly mind you) into Wham Rap and they are quite literally leaping all over the stage. Golly. It feels appropriate to say golly because apparently they went to boarding school, which is quite Enid Blyton isn't it. Digression. The song's over now after writing that, but they merged back into I'm Your Man at the end. I like their outfits. They certainly do the biggest performance each week and they make me smile. Perhaps we can not have them as popstars but get them a sitcom on CBBC or something?

DANYL:
They focus on Danyl going home rather than the widely reported Danyl having a hissy fit and running out of the studio crying because Simon wants him to sing Praying For Time instead of Careless Whisper. Though he probably does that when he doesn't get the last Yorkshire Pudding at home too. His strop has paid off because he is singing Careless Whisper. Not well at the start either. It sounds a bit flat to me and I'm quite tired so I'm dropping off at the yawn inducing arrangement. I keep waiting for a big moment but it's not coming. My God! His mouth is huge when open on the loud note bits. Like a hippo! I bet he can do a full teabagging no problem with that gob :P Still the song didn't connect at all. Has he actually done an upbeat song yet? Ever? Simon gets in a huff with Louis and slags off Jedward's outfits because of it. WHAT?! Danyl looks like he just pulled on whatever was in River Island window for goodness sake. Shut up Simon.
OLLY:
Bizarre running order of the acts this week what with 2 Simon acts together and Cheryl's pair (ooer) opening and closing the show. Hmmm. Olly has gone back to work in a "thank god my life isn't as shit as yours anymore" slap in the face to his ex colleagues! Tonight Olly is going to be sexy, current and relevant. Simon says this is the type of single Olly should be releasing. Well apparently relevant means doing a song that wasn't even released this decade. Much like Dany(awn)l the vocal really isn't working at the start, possibly because his trousers are so tight you can see the blood coarsing in his willy veins. It's ludicrous! It gets a bit better (he's doing Fast Love) and his dancing is getting a bit more endearing. When I'm drunk, I now find myself dancing like Olly so I hope it takes off! Ironically, it's very William of Young though Simon won't have him on the show - perhaps because it would show Olly how hard he needs to work to be up to that standard. Olly, olly, olly. Oh, oh, oh.
JOE:
I'm alarmed by my liking of Joe over the past 2 weeks. The fact that he went home wearing WHITE SOCKS with BLACK JEANS makes me like him a whole lot less. Oh it's another song that George Michael covered but didn't actually write. So all those glorious Wham singles and incredible George recrods yet there are only 4 (5 inc Wham Rap) originals in a 6 (7) song show? Shocking. Good theatre performance; hideous video images and he seems to be having a bit of a fit towards the end. I still like him but I can't see him as an exciting popstar. Let's face it, it's likely to be a Joe-Stacey-Olly top 3 and god help me I think I'm resigned to that.

PS, Kim Woodburn on I'm A Celebrity... eating a fish eye and saying "I've puked twice and had to swallow it back down" was more entertaining than the whole entire episode of tonight's X Factor. Now leave me be, I need to Feel The Spin :)

(As always, written up from notes during the show unless otherwise stated!!)

Is the world over the Jedward controversy yet? The real crime here is that the nation has found it acceptable to put together the names of twins in a way that is usually reserved for romantically linked couples! Crikey! Anyway, I know it still hurts deep down that lovely Lucie got booted off the show last week, but it's no worse than when Laura went last year (though let's face it, she really shouldn't have tried to play piano and sing. She's no multi tasker). And it's not like Simon ate a baby - and he could; he's a powerful hungry fella. Anyway, enough of these shenanighams, it's Queen week! Aka another week perfectly engineered for Simon's acts. For the record my two favourite Queen songs (Somebody To Love/Don't Stop Me Now) have already had some quite fine cover versions done (G4, Glee, Only Men Aloud/McFly respectively) so the contestants have quite a task ahead of them...

Oh, wait. Apparently the controversy isn't over yet. Clips of the news are shown. It's all very shocking, much more so than real new stories like war, famine, murder, global warming, etc. Then the remaining contestants are introduced because. It's Time. To Face. The Music. Dannii looks absolutely furious about being relegated to the end position. Simon waffles on about last week but I'm not really paying attention because I'm in the mood for a cereal and oh god, Jamie's first...

JAMIE:
Well done Jamie for wearing an AC/DC t-shirt when meeting Queen. Or half of them anyway. He's wearing that godawful scarf thing in his back pocket in the VT which makes me regurgitate a cruncy nut cornflake. He's doing Radio Gaga. Apparently it's all about making the song his own and not a Queen carbon copy. I literally beg the tv not to make him do the handclapping but he does. Because that differentiates his version doesn't it and really he should be concentrating on his wavering vocal. I'm also channelling Orlando from Ghost by yelling at the tv "Whaddya do to your hair" (oh Orlando do you like it, it's sunrise, etc). Amazingly and rudely someone shouts F*** Off when Dannii criticises the criticisable performance. Ooo it's 5 Star on Going Live all over again. It was really audible too! Shocking!
LLOYD:
Cheryl's hair is really chav in a Lauren from Catherine Tate/Pam Ann doing Easy Jet sort of way tonight. Just a "by the way" bit of info for you there. Having Lloyd follow Jamie is possibly the worst start to the show I can imagine. He's doing Crazy Little Thing Called Love and straight away he's clutching his chest through nerves or an impending heart attack or something! Louis is absolutely right - he would rock in a boyband where his inadequacies can be masked. I strangely like what Lloyd is wearing though it wouldn't suit me. Sweet Jesus, the song is still going on even after writing all that. It's not his worst performance ever, but it's not his best either. And I can't remember if he has a best. Check out McFly if you are in any doubt how this should be done! Dannii still looks absolutely fuming. I'm now worried about her. I think Lloyd has a bit of chocolate stuck on his eyebrow (Darren informs me it is glitter. oh). He has the makings of a new Eoghan Quigg with his "phone number" face...

OLLY:
There have already been 2 breaks! Ridiculo. Just as ridiculo is the fact that Olly has broken his little finger. On a punch bag. Words absolutely fail me. He's singing Don't Stop Me Now and the intro is a little iffy. Then he sort of stops singing to dance and joins back in mid sentence. Bizarre. And then he slides across the stage and nearly falls over. And some of his notes are really flat. So it's a bit of a catastrophe all told. Check out McFly if you are in any doubt about how this should be done (part 2)! Dannii nicely says it was a bit shit. Cheryl still thinks his dancing is phenomenal when actually it is only ok. I think her slicked back to within an inch of it's life hair is giving her brain ache. And once again, the crowd are utterly over stimulated.
JOE (ABOVE):
I'm ready to be bored by Joe again, though I really liked Circle of Life. Well, it does move us all. Brian May says "hello Joe" and it inspires me to launch into the talky bit in the Pink etc., version of Lady Marmalade (30 seconds in). Which nobody finds amusing except me. Oh bugger, he's doing Somebody To Love and I'm going to have to like bland Joe two weeks in a row. There is a caveat to that though - I like Joe in a great-contestant-for-a-musical-theatre-competition-show rather than an X Factor winner. Mark from theblogthatmarkwrote will be so disappointed in me because it's actually quite good. And yes, it's partially because I love this song. Strangely G4 did it in their sixth week too...
JEDWARD (BELOW):
We are forced to relive the deadlock from last week. Again. Which means reliving the moment that Lucies goes from being really confident to looking absolutely broken. Oh dear. Ooo they are doing Under Pressure which is lyrically appropriate and allows them to have a brief Ice Ice Baby interlude (surely against the rules Louis?!) It's all rather enjoyable actually. I'm over justifying it - they are what they are; enjoyable tosh. Dannii says they can't even rap in time which really amuses me. The hocked up on goofballs audience go mad for them and (as has been the case most the night) there is no point listening to the judges because you can't hear them. OH! REWIND! Apparently someone is on the stage right at the start mocking them, but it's so brief you can hardly see it (Edit: Apparently is top male vocalist Calvin Harris with a pineapple on. How impressive. How postmodern. How... yawn...) - it is quite funny though reliving JohnOrEdward nearly falling over when they leap through the paper though :) (Reliving their middle 8 - not so wonderful :/ )

STACEY (BELOW):
What else is there to say about Stacey other than she's always really charming and endearing in her VT and if anyone should forget momentarily why she is so adorable during the week, it all comes flooding back in the minute before she sings. She actually mentions that she thinks Queen week is more for Simon's acts. Way to channel Dannii's quite-right bitterness :) She looks stunning singing Who Wants To Live Forever amd delivers a controlled yet emotional vocal. Actually she really soars - it's a winners single type performance ie, immense. Lovely nervous giggle at the end. Simon basically says it was ace amd she remote high fives Dannii. Adorable and amazing.
DANYL:
Ah the THIRD time in 6 weeks that a Simon act has closed the show. And the SECOND time in 6 weeks that it has been Danyl. What a shocker. More clap trap about should he be cocky and arrogant, etc. Even doing We Are The Champions could be conceived as cocky. I do sort of like the cheeky look around the "mistakes, i've made a few" part. It's a weak start though, but then picks up somewhat. I don't like his voice in this song at all. If that makes any sense. Of course the judges are clearly hearing something different to me because they are love-wazzing their praise all over him. Oh :/

My top three: Stacey, Joe, Jedward
The bottom two: Lloyd and Jamie

Anyway, to wrap up I'm still grossly disappointed that Simon chose to ignore my sage advice and do the above still amazing Second Best To None hotel rival song as the group charity single for this year. Still there is method to the madness of choosing You Are Not Alone. Frankly any other year an MJ cover might not work, but this year obviously it will. The lyrics actually match the charity it's chosen for (which they often don't in other charity singles). And the cause is a great one - if you need any more reason to be inspired by Great Ormand Street Children's Hospital charity then just click this link. Wonderful work they do. So yes, Second Best To None would have been preferrable but this more than ticks the boxes. The group are performing it tonight on the show and i'll have my write up on the results in the comments later. Dear God, please vote for stacey!

It's soundtrack week! This both delights and terrifies me. I know I will be grossly disappointed if nobody does the lounge medley from Sister Act. Of course the acts have been all over the papers this week, but none of that matters because it's time. To face. The music. Oh shut up dermot and get on with it luv... (edit: all is written as I've watched the show - additional thoughts from between the show ending and typing up in bold, parenthesis and italics like this!)

STACEY:
Ooo, doesn't Jim Carrey look rough? I only know this because all the contestants were on the red carpet this week for A Christmas Carol and Stacey of course is there spewing her delightful brand of word vomit all over the cast. It's so enchanting. Stacey apparently has to be sexy this week. Cheryl doesn't think she has it in her to be sexy. What a delightfully bitchy thing to say :/ Never mind because Stacey is all sultry doing one of my all time faves, Son Of A Preacher Man. It's bonza despite a couple of questionable vocal moments. Stacey sasses the Cowell and a nation's hearts melt a little bit more...
OLLY:
Incredibly the show has been on for 16 minutes, yet only one person has sung. In his VT Olly signs autographs on the red carpet. They will soon be fetching £1.12 on ebay then. Olly is trying to be "fun cool guy" by doing Twist and Shout exactly as it was done in Ferris Bueller. It's quite disappointing mainly because it doesn't come close to the amazing Salt n Pepa version. Plus I cringe as he replicates the dance bit from the movie and manages to make The Wonders That Thing You Do sound modern and relevant (that song would have been a much better choice!) PS, the audience are way too over stimulated this week and are doing my head in.
LLOYD:
Aka the boy who shouldn't be here. Poor Rachel. If it weren't for Simon's machinations to be the only judge with 3 acts left, Rachel would still be around. For some reason, I find it incredibly amusing when Lloyd says "to be honest, when I was in the bottom two it was a bit rubbish". Profound insight into his mind there. Get him a guest spot on Gavin & Stacey (when IS that back?!) stat! He's doing a "contemporary" version of Stand By Me. It's not contemporary at all, apart from when it merges with the Sean Kingston version which wasn't from a movie at all. It's very bland and he really can't cope with coming down from the big notes. Instead of holding his head to fix his vocal this week, he holds his chest. This type of voodoo witchcraft should be banned from the show :P Dannii is lovely and diplomatic and calls it nice, and Simon says he's out of his depth. This is true. His little legs are treading water like crazy.

JAMIE:
Yawn. I feel sorry for the person who had to sit behind him at A Christmas Carol. The only thing worse would be being behind Marge Simpson. There have been arguments between Simon and Jamie over song choice. Again. At first I thought maybe Simon has no idea what to do with Jamie, but then when he sings the very low bits of Crying and it's awful, it cuts to Simon's "oh fuck" face, I think he might have been right to reign Jamie in. The soaring chorus isn't too bad. Louis has a hissy fit because he doesn't know the movie and looks furious. Simon 'disses' Cheryl and dismissively calls her sweetheart which is brilliant because now she looks furious. This whole brief exchange is far more entertaining than Jamie could ever wish to be. Love it.
LUCIE:
I like the shade of blue of Dannii's scarf in the vt. Lucie is going to sing something from Camp Rock (why not Spectacular!?) which could be a bit dodge. Or it might work because there is a gentle wind machine and that's always a big plus. And it gets a lot better once she lets go of the microphone. Side bar your honour: Why do all the contestants wear poppies at crotch level? Just wear them normally! There is no shame in it! Anyway, I quite liked the performance, but wasn't blown away - I may rewatch because I think I would love it if I heard the song a few more times. (Edit: I did rewatch and it was rather lovely over all. More like this please. I love Lucie)...

DANYL:
His face when he got through last week showed he's proper cock again after the boo hoo me act he put on. Sigh. Oh Danyl, you are such a conundrum. He's doing Purple Rain which is going to be all about Danyl over ad-libbing and too long notes. ooo he's had a haircut and there's dry ice around his feet. The performance is what one would expect from Danyl - it's vocally very good and very him though a bit more restrained than normal. Oh, the audience are a bloody nightmare this week! This is, Simon has made this an international competition - he has no interest in acts that he thinks will only do well in the UK (ie, in his opinion Shayne and Leon). It's all about who he can make massive in America. In that respect, Danyl is probably his best bet for what he will class as a "winner" in the competition. And for his vocals, I'd probably check out his first release...
JEDWARD:
Well they don't half take their criticisms well without any of the drama of the other contestants. I'm hoping they have Slimer as part of their Ghostbusters number. Ooo there's a ghost. And they are in the GB car! They scream! And act as they runaway from ghouls! Brilliant! As I've said before they are the PJ and Duncan of the competition. And (ooo there's the marshmallow man, that will do nicely instead of Slimer!) I unashamedly lovely their weekly performances. Which doesn't mean I would buy a single from them, even if it is written by James Busted. (EDIT: It occurs to me that their shouty single style isn't a million miles away from future X Factor guests BEP's shouty singy style on the cacophony bits of their bewilderingly but ultimately winningly catchy I Gotta Feeling!)
JOE:
I've been on the fence about Joe. I feel if he wins there is something really wrong with this competition. I am not really sure why I feel like that, it's just a gnawing feeling in my tummy. It's actually the same with Jed but they are the ghastly entertainment highlight each week regardless of their awfulocity. They show the same clip twice in a row in his VT! Shocking! (EDIT: I'm about to eat these preceding words based on tonight's performance. And they taste good. Like chicken). Joe is singing Circle of Life and it will probably be my favourite performance of his as I'm a huge Disney lover. And I will vote for him to win, if he holds up a toy baby lion at the end. Oh, he doesn't but I love this performance and am appreciating Joe properly for the first time. It's my fave performance of his so far.

Bring on tomorrow. Until then, let's just enjoy this little pop gem...

Dermot comes on doing rock devil fingers but then does a theatrical twirl. Perhaps he is channelling the hit musical We Will Rock You. Either way, everything about his entrance (ooer) is ever so wrong. And my god, what is Cheryl wearing? She has raided the Band of Gold wardrobe and looks ridiculous! They producers play Sex On Fire while the judges walk on stage. I could make a million jokes about this but I choose to rise above it all because look! It's time to face the music and get bland because it's time for...

JOE:
Once again Fight For This Love plays during his VT because it's all about Cheryl. Honestly, you don't have to ram it down our throats, it's number one! There is a lot of talk about rock week being too devil horny fingers for Joe. And it is. He comes out in a (p)leather jacket. Rock and/or roll dude! Throw that tv out the X Factor house window! He's singing Don't Stop Believing (in the style of popjustice song of the day Glee) and it's more High School Musical than School of Rock. The two dancers are far more interesting than Joe could ever wish to be. His voice is very good and he seems a lovely lad, but for me there is something missing. Simon has shaved his chest, btw. You can see a dead straight line where he has trimmed it. Joe says everyone in the North East loves that song. Everyone Joe? That's a very sweeping statement...
LUCIE:
They show the "you sang like an actress" quote twice in less than thirty seconds. If only tesco sandwiches had as much filler as this show does. Lovely Lucie sings Sweet Child O' Mine which starts off as a pared down piano version. This reminds me if the show ever needs a big piano moment on stage, they can always save money and use Joe's teeth. Which if you think about it, yes is a bit insulting (they are quite large) but also a compliment (they are also a lovely white hue). Ooo, it's gone all rock and Lucie looks like I imagine Avril Lavigne does if she would ever just take a good hot shower. The vocal is really good though she seems a tad uncomfortable. During the comments, I can't take Cheryl seriously in that dress - it's just too Lady Cuckoo bizarre. And Lucie's eyeliner is so caked on, she can barely keep her eyes open! Great performance though :)
DANYL:
Sigh. Heavy sigh. As Simon introduces Danyl you know it's going to be all about him being in the bottom two because he (Danyl) couldn't believe he was there. Which if you are in the bottom two because the public thinks you are arrogant is actually quite arrogant of you. It's a no win situation. Danyl says he is more hated than Hitler. Oh please, the twins have had far worse press and get booed every week but you don't see them perfecting the best actor award for quivering bottom lip. He starts singing and he's horribly out of tune and his poppy is rather ostentatious. His finally finds the note for the chorus of I Don't Wanna Miss A Thing and is quite subdued. His shirt could use a good iron to be honest. He's a broken man, which yes, isn't particularly nice but the music industry is a vicious bitch and you have to take the criticism. The judges basically say, oh you were in the bottom two, so were other people. Louis points out the twins don't throw their dummies out the pram over bad press. Rock on Louis. Once again, I'm torn over the whole Danyl issue...

LLOYD:
Actually, I'm far more interested in Lloyd fronting up a new boyband than I am in any of his solo X Factor performances. The VT basically says he is coasting on his looks. Which is true. Cheryl "Boys can't sing girls songs because it is ridiculous" Cole gives him I Kissed A Girl to sing. It doesn't work lyrically if the lyrics aren't changed to boy when a guy sings it, it just makes Lloyd sound like he's lived a far too sheltered life, which his "sexed up" (oh dear) look contradicts. Vocally it's all over the place and there is a gawdy rock spectacle going on behind him. Dreadful, dreadful, dreadful! Dannii tragically (but wisely) doesn't comment on the boy/girl gender issues :P Lloyd's poppy is also annoyingly ostentatious - it's a symbol not a bloody fashion statement.
STACEY:
I'm ready for Stacey to be brilliant. Simon meanly, but rather wittily states "stacey is going to have to do something rather difficult this week - move!" Ho ho etc. This means everyone will cheer Westlife style if she stands up from a stool! She does Somewhere Only We Know - a gorgeous song and the first 60 seconds are absolutely mesmerising. She adds a few vocal varieties to the tune and her voice is just wonderful to listen to. Her hair looks ace too. Simon says singing a 5 year old Keane song makes her relevant. Hmmm. "I can breeve, I can walk, I really enjoyed that" Stacey says in less than 1.7 seconds. Marvelous.
JAMIE:
This week is really made more for Simon's acts than any other group in the competition. Bring on disco week and see how they do! Oh no, the bloody scarf is back in his back pocket. How annoying. He sings "Rocks" but not as well as the Sugababes. He's trying to hard to look effortless and r'n'r but it just comes across as laboured and corporate suit. Yawn. I'm too bored by the whole Jamie thing so go and get a cookie.

RACHEL:
I hope Rachel finds her own personality this week. She's doing One by U2 in one of Cheryl's tiny dresses. Quite rightly it's all about the vocal this week because let's face it, unless Jamie wins, the winner is not going to get near rock with a ten foot Red One pole on their debut album are they?! The girls rule the show this week and Rachel delivers a gorgeous performance. Nothing else needs to be said :)
JEDWARD:
See, Jed get booed every week and you don't see the producers writing in a scripted sob story for them!! Basically, it's not their fault they are in the competition - they applied, got through and haven't been voted out yet so stop the debating and just enjoy the ongoing horror! And it is horror, but by golly it's so bloody entertaining and like nothing else on the show this year! They bugger one bit up completely, their vocals are dire and the stage dive moment is too hilarious! Brilliant. Look, they are no worse than Ant & Dec and they were always ready to uh, rhumble! Dannii practically pisses herself laughing. I can't imagine them as popstars but they at least embrace the totally bonkers fun element that pop should have and it's always amusing to watch them throw their all into it.
OLLY:
It's a beatles song. Come Together. All I can think of is that Olly will be visiting William Young's hair plug person in about 5 years time. Vocally it's good, but sweet Blossom Russon the facial expressions are less 'intent passionate singer' and more 'i really need a big poo' which isn't pleasant to watch. Or even think about. Sorry :/ The shirt rip at the end is beyond embarrassing. He also needs to stop licking his lips - it's embarrassing (though Dermot gets all Triga and calls him prime Essex meat. Saucy!) For about the 5th time tonight, Louis again gives an act (this time obviously Olly) a place in the final 3. It's getting awfully crowded there isn't it? Cheryl thinks the shirt rip worked. Unlike her dress. Ho ho.

Join me in the comments later for Bon Jovi! (?!) JLS!!!!!! The sing off!

As I was on holiday last week, there was obviously no X Factor write up (though you can see some delightful holiday pics on my twitter!) although I did get to see the results show while having dinner in a restaurant, so I scribbled all my thoughts down on a napkin much to Darren's chagrin :P Here is what happened...

PREVIOUSLY ON THE X FACTOR RESULTS SHOW (18.10.2009):

• Clearly this week two judges have been absent. One has quite rightly taken some sentimental leave while the other has been busy making the show all about her performance rather than her acts. Thus poor Lloyd has evidently butchered Bleeding Love, is called on it by Simon causing Cheryl to pout and cry and be comforted by a 16 year old boy whose career she holds in her hands. Yes, the Cheryl Factor is back...
• Because Whitney "Euston" (oh Dermot) is on the acts continue their American Idol-esque group numbers by singing Queen Of The Night. I mean, really? Out of all the Whitney canon this is what they choose?! It's not good and sadly the boys aren't allowed to sing the title line. Dannii wisely chooses not to comment on this, but Cheryl must be fuming - I mean boys singing a girls song? It's ridiculous!!
• Cheryl sings Fight For This Love and Girls Aloud & the cheater are in the audience. Still don't like the song and for some reason Cheryl is dressed as Elvira wearing one of Chris Martin's jackets. Still, all credit due it was quite a good performance. See, and she's all smiles now things are going her way!
• Whitney, whitney, whitney! The performance was not bad though clearly her is dress is a bit too long and the straps fly open. Mercifully, the nation is spared a Janet Jackson nipple moment. The real highlight is the painfully laborious conversation with Dermot...
• "Hello" he says. Good start Dermy. She 'hello's back and looks him up and down as if he is poo on her shoe. He tells her she was very good and she says thank you in a way that indicates she knows it was very good and doesn't need some 2-bit nobody from a tv (ew!) show giving her affirmations...
• It gets worse. Dermot asks when the album is out and she either is furious that he doesn't know or more likely doesn't have a clue (She's Whitney Houston. She has minions for this!) even though it's what she is there to promote. Clive Davies beams proudly from the audience, clearly as dotty as Whitney! Then when asked what advice she would give the contestants, she stares at the floor for A VERY LONG TIME (is she praying? seen a penny? Do something love! Flash a nipple!!) and mumbles something about them being young (what? even the over 25s?!) and they need to practice practice practice. What a wonderfully roundabout way of saying they are not very good.
• It's poor Rachel and not so poor Rikki in the bottom two and Rikki goes. Cheryl is no longer smiling and says she can't believe he is gone over John and Edward who have no mentor to defend them. Classy!

AND NOW ON THE X FACTOR!

It's big band night! Dermot flirts with the orchestra! It's the X Factor weekend that starts here (clearly Dermot has been reading the blog!) so the normal weekend can resume starting when it's meant to start. Father Time will be pleased. And hurrah! L'il Louis is back!!

OLLIE:
Michael Buble thinks Ollie is a good looking kid. I'm sure in some circles he is but standing next to Michael he is just a pile of puke (aren't we all?!) Ollie says if he doesn't get it right he will be going home. Honestly, I don't know where the contestants get these profound insights from. He sings Bewitched or something in ajacketless tux that he manages to make look like it's something you would wear out on a saturday, which I quite like. He looks terrified - a cross between a deer caught in the headlights and a deer caught doing something else (I don't know what!) I thought it was ok but the judges love him and practically spaff on his bowtie. Simon praises the two witchy dancers and says he knows what it is like working with 2 witches. How rude of him to talk about Cheryl and her ego like that!
LLOYD:
Simon hopes Lloyd doesn't do something obvious like Fly Me To The Moon. Is anything in big band week not obvious really though? Lloyd sings Fly Me To The Moon. He's a charming lad but not really a contender and then bizarrely does a backflip. Really? I'm agog, I'm aghast at this cheap trick. It's not really big bandy is it?! Perhaps he is trying to make it "real"? He failed. Louis says that he should be in a boyband and you know what? He's right! Dannii in a very very nice way says most of it is crap. Love her. Dermot molly coddles Lloyd until Simon tells him to stop being patronising. Hurrah.
MISS FRANK:
I just don't get or like Miss Frank. Especially that Graziella. They are doing a song that 'made us fall in love with them' (apparently) which in reality means they are whipping out some old number they have done before. I'm irrationally annoyed by this. It's That's Life. It's not bad. It doesn't sizzle though and the middle 8 and rap is just horrible. The most entertaining moment comes when Louis is trying to hip hop nod his head to the rap but looks a) bamboozled and b) like he has early on-set dementia. After the slagging off the back flip (rightly) got, the rap of course passes by without a single comment. The double standards on this show are utterly ridick.
RACHEL:
I feel so sorry for Rachel. Bottom two every week. It will break my heart if she is there again. I'm very excited though that she is singing Proud Mary. Bon courage mon petit! Best song choice of the current series so far. Oh - she looks lovely with her hair down. Gorgeous. Nails the slow part and the rough part is spot on. Ace dance routine, though predictably the cameramen cut to the orchestra during this. How Britain's Got Talent of them. Still, great great performance. Love love love. There is clearly something very wrong with Britain if she doesn't sail through (although there is clearly something wrong anyway as they have helped Cheryl achieve what Victoria Beckham never could - put a ropey old urban 1990s sounding b-side on top of the charts with record sales. Bravo britain. Slow clap, etc). She does go a bit Stacey during the Dermotview which is a bit irritating and I want to shoot her with a tranquilizer dart, but she's still wonderful.

JAMIE:
Jamie (I keep wanting to Summer Heights High his name and call him Ja'mie) and Simon have apparently had a tiff this week over the song choice leading Simon to change it at the very last minute. Oh dear etc. It's that time for that plot twist is it in the script?! Actually if I was in the orchestra I'd be well annoyed by this, but I'm not and I'm sure they are all professionals. He sings U2's Angel of Harlem, which is hardly very big band but then we've had raps and flips so what can one expect anymore? Louis says the song choice isn't big band (I just said that Louis, keep up) and that it's cheating. Ooo. Louis is on bitchy fire this week.
STACEY:
Everything that comes out of Stacey's mouth is pure gold - whether spoken or sung. Get her a reality show charting her journey to fame when this is finished please. Her brother in the VT is quite good looking. Stunning dress and hair this week. She sings a very elegant version of When You Wish Upon A Star and I very briefly wish I was doing Christmas and NY at Disney rather than Las Vegas. It leads up to a big crescendo and a key change. Quite lovely indeed. Simon and Cheryl think she looked better than she sounded. This might possibly be true but who cares. She whitters to Dermot that "oh ma gawd, i cannot breeve or mooove in this dress". Spectacular.
DANYL:
His VT is really boring and I know he'll just come out with the undone bow tie look. Oh he does. His vocal is really good and his stange presence is a little bit menacing, just the right side of cocky and quite engaging. He practically makes sweet sweet love to the dry ice surrounding his crotch. The "own the stage" comment comes from somewhere (Louis I think, I was getting a juice box) but is actually quite deserved for a change. Dannii says he was very good and the way she says it is just dripping with sex. The naughty minx. Quite a compelling performance overall.

JOE:
My god his teeth are giant. Apparently Joe says when you think of big band you think of Michael Buble - this is very convenient seeing as he is the mentor of the show this week. Good choice Joe. Brian says the dancing is very sexy and he's right - except the sexiness comes from the backing dancers rather than Joe who has a look of being caught looking at internet porn about him. It's oddly disconcerting. I'm honestly unsure what to make of it all, because it's good - the voice is there, but the whole thing was a bit... off. Simon says he is a cutesy performer, which might actually be true.
LUCIE:
I like that in a photo of Lucie on her holidays she is wearing a Madonna t-shirt. I don't know why this is important but it is. She sings My Funny Valentine and while it may not be the best song choice for her, she absolutely draws you into her performance and makes the massive X Factor stage seem small and intimate. Not an easy task. The big notes near the finish are lovely. Simon weirdly says it is sung like she is an actress. I'm not sure what she means and clearly neither is he. Bravo then Simes...
J&E:
The twins talk about how they want their performances to be memorable - and love them or hate them they certainly are that. This week it's She Bangs (what was Louis saying about chosing non-big band songs being cheating?!) and once again it's grotesque and yet mesmerising all at the same time (and is that Sammy Taylor in the dance ensemble?!) Ah just imagine what good singers could do with this type of stage show performance?! Louis says they are better than Zig and Zag. High praise indeed.

And that's it! Tonight is Westlife and I assume, the lovely Boob. Updates will be in the comments box. Westlife will be singing their new single from their album with no cover versions on. It's a cover of the Daughtry track. Now, my theory on this is that when Simon hears a song that has been a hit in one part of the world, he takes that track and gives it to another artist in a different part of the world to create a hit with it there! In his mind, he's just sharing good songs among friends! But a cover is a cover is a cover. Let's hope Nicky looks fine enough to cancel out that mess...