Lopez Blogs

As I was on holiday last week, there was obviously no X Factor write up (though you can see some delightful holiday pics on my twitter!) although I did get to see the results show while having dinner in a restaurant, so I scribbled all my thoughts down on a napkin much to Darren's chagrin :P Here is what happened...

PREVIOUSLY ON THE X FACTOR RESULTS SHOW (18.10.2009):

• Clearly this week two judges have been absent. One has quite rightly taken some sentimental leave while the other has been busy making the show all about her performance rather than her acts. Thus poor Lloyd has evidently butchered Bleeding Love, is called on it by Simon causing Cheryl to pout and cry and be comforted by a 16 year old boy whose career she holds in her hands. Yes, the Cheryl Factor is back...
• Because Whitney "Euston" (oh Dermot) is on the acts continue their American Idol-esque group numbers by singing Queen Of The Night. I mean, really? Out of all the Whitney canon this is what they choose?! It's not good and sadly the boys aren't allowed to sing the title line. Dannii wisely chooses not to comment on this, but Cheryl must be fuming - I mean boys singing a girls song? It's ridiculous!!
• Cheryl sings Fight For This Love and Girls Aloud & the cheater are in the audience. Still don't like the song and for some reason Cheryl is dressed as Elvira wearing one of Chris Martin's jackets. Still, all credit due it was quite a good performance. See, and she's all smiles now things are going her way!
• Whitney, whitney, whitney! The performance was not bad though clearly her is dress is a bit too long and the straps fly open. Mercifully, the nation is spared a Janet Jackson nipple moment. The real highlight is the painfully laborious conversation with Dermot...
• "Hello" he says. Good start Dermy. She 'hello's back and looks him up and down as if he is poo on her shoe. He tells her she was very good and she says thank you in a way that indicates she knows it was very good and doesn't need some 2-bit nobody from a tv (ew!) show giving her affirmations...
• It gets worse. Dermot asks when the album is out and she either is furious that he doesn't know or more likely doesn't have a clue (She's Whitney Houston. She has minions for this!) even though it's what she is there to promote. Clive Davies beams proudly from the audience, clearly as dotty as Whitney! Then when asked what advice she would give the contestants, she stares at the floor for A VERY LONG TIME (is she praying? seen a penny? Do something love! Flash a nipple!!) and mumbles something about them being young (what? even the over 25s?!) and they need to practice practice practice. What a wonderfully roundabout way of saying they are not very good.
• It's poor Rachel and not so poor Rikki in the bottom two and Rikki goes. Cheryl is no longer smiling and says she can't believe he is gone over John and Edward who have no mentor to defend them. Classy!

AND NOW ON THE X FACTOR!

It's big band night! Dermot flirts with the orchestra! It's the X Factor weekend that starts here (clearly Dermot has been reading the blog!) so the normal weekend can resume starting when it's meant to start. Father Time will be pleased. And hurrah! L'il Louis is back!!

OLLIE:
Michael Buble thinks Ollie is a good looking kid. I'm sure in some circles he is but standing next to Michael he is just a pile of puke (aren't we all?!) Ollie says if he doesn't get it right he will be going home. Honestly, I don't know where the contestants get these profound insights from. He sings Bewitched or something in ajacketless tux that he manages to make look like it's something you would wear out on a saturday, which I quite like. He looks terrified - a cross between a deer caught in the headlights and a deer caught doing something else (I don't know what!) I thought it was ok but the judges love him and practically spaff on his bowtie. Simon praises the two witchy dancers and says he knows what it is like working with 2 witches. How rude of him to talk about Cheryl and her ego like that!
LLOYD:
Simon hopes Lloyd doesn't do something obvious like Fly Me To The Moon. Is anything in big band week not obvious really though? Lloyd sings Fly Me To The Moon. He's a charming lad but not really a contender and then bizarrely does a backflip. Really? I'm agog, I'm aghast at this cheap trick. It's not really big bandy is it?! Perhaps he is trying to make it "real"? He failed. Louis says that he should be in a boyband and you know what? He's right! Dannii in a very very nice way says most of it is crap. Love her. Dermot molly coddles Lloyd until Simon tells him to stop being patronising. Hurrah.
MISS FRANK:
I just don't get or like Miss Frank. Especially that Graziella. They are doing a song that 'made us fall in love with them' (apparently) which in reality means they are whipping out some old number they have done before. I'm irrationally annoyed by this. It's That's Life. It's not bad. It doesn't sizzle though and the middle 8 and rap is just horrible. The most entertaining moment comes when Louis is trying to hip hop nod his head to the rap but looks a) bamboozled and b) like he has early on-set dementia. After the slagging off the back flip (rightly) got, the rap of course passes by without a single comment. The double standards on this show are utterly ridick.
RACHEL:
I feel so sorry for Rachel. Bottom two every week. It will break my heart if she is there again. I'm very excited though that she is singing Proud Mary. Bon courage mon petit! Best song choice of the current series so far. Oh - she looks lovely with her hair down. Gorgeous. Nails the slow part and the rough part is spot on. Ace dance routine, though predictably the cameramen cut to the orchestra during this. How Britain's Got Talent of them. Still, great great performance. Love love love. There is clearly something very wrong with Britain if she doesn't sail through (although there is clearly something wrong anyway as they have helped Cheryl achieve what Victoria Beckham never could - put a ropey old urban 1990s sounding b-side on top of the charts with record sales. Bravo britain. Slow clap, etc). She does go a bit Stacey during the Dermotview which is a bit irritating and I want to shoot her with a tranquilizer dart, but she's still wonderful.

JAMIE:
Jamie (I keep wanting to Summer Heights High his name and call him Ja'mie) and Simon have apparently had a tiff this week over the song choice leading Simon to change it at the very last minute. Oh dear etc. It's that time for that plot twist is it in the script?! Actually if I was in the orchestra I'd be well annoyed by this, but I'm not and I'm sure they are all professionals. He sings U2's Angel of Harlem, which is hardly very big band but then we've had raps and flips so what can one expect anymore? Louis says the song choice isn't big band (I just said that Louis, keep up) and that it's cheating. Ooo. Louis is on bitchy fire this week.
STACEY:
Everything that comes out of Stacey's mouth is pure gold - whether spoken or sung. Get her a reality show charting her journey to fame when this is finished please. Her brother in the VT is quite good looking. Stunning dress and hair this week. She sings a very elegant version of When You Wish Upon A Star and I very briefly wish I was doing Christmas and NY at Disney rather than Las Vegas. It leads up to a big crescendo and a key change. Quite lovely indeed. Simon and Cheryl think she looked better than she sounded. This might possibly be true but who cares. She whitters to Dermot that "oh ma gawd, i cannot breeve or mooove in this dress". Spectacular.
DANYL:
His VT is really boring and I know he'll just come out with the undone bow tie look. Oh he does. His vocal is really good and his stange presence is a little bit menacing, just the right side of cocky and quite engaging. He practically makes sweet sweet love to the dry ice surrounding his crotch. The "own the stage" comment comes from somewhere (Louis I think, I was getting a juice box) but is actually quite deserved for a change. Dannii says he was very good and the way she says it is just dripping with sex. The naughty minx. Quite a compelling performance overall.

JOE:
My god his teeth are giant. Apparently Joe says when you think of big band you think of Michael Buble - this is very convenient seeing as he is the mentor of the show this week. Good choice Joe. Brian says the dancing is very sexy and he's right - except the sexiness comes from the backing dancers rather than Joe who has a look of being caught looking at internet porn about him. It's oddly disconcerting. I'm honestly unsure what to make of it all, because it's good - the voice is there, but the whole thing was a bit... off. Simon says he is a cutesy performer, which might actually be true.
LUCIE:
I like that in a photo of Lucie on her holidays she is wearing a Madonna t-shirt. I don't know why this is important but it is. She sings My Funny Valentine and while it may not be the best song choice for her, she absolutely draws you into her performance and makes the massive X Factor stage seem small and intimate. Not an easy task. The big notes near the finish are lovely. Simon weirdly says it is sung like she is an actress. I'm not sure what she means and clearly neither is he. Bravo then Simes...
J&E:
The twins talk about how they want their performances to be memorable - and love them or hate them they certainly are that. This week it's She Bangs (what was Louis saying about chosing non-big band songs being cheating?!) and once again it's grotesque and yet mesmerising all at the same time (and is that Sammy Taylor in the dance ensemble?!) Ah just imagine what good singers could do with this type of stage show performance?! Louis says they are better than Zig and Zag. High praise indeed.

And that's it! Tonight is Westlife and I assume, the lovely Boob. Updates will be in the comments box. Westlife will be singing their new single from their album with no cover versions on. It's a cover of the Daughtry track. Now, my theory on this is that when Simon hears a song that has been a hit in one part of the world, he takes that track and gives it to another artist in a different part of the world to create a hit with it there! In his mind, he's just sharing good songs among friends! But a cover is a cover is a cover. Let's hope Nicky looks fine enough to cancel out that mess...