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I'm not having bloody Dermot tell me that my X Factor weekend starts here so I've turned the sound down and am listening to Ant and Dec (the Jedward of the 90s - Dant? Adec? Puncan?!) Lets Get Ready To Rumble - because straight up moving this will get you moving, this track's booming there ain't no hype. It never gets rubbish. Seriously. On the plus side, Dermot's suit is quite nice. I think I saw the same one in the window of Primark earlier today. Cheryl, however, once again has her wardrobe set on whore...

LLOYD:
Cheryl is barely audible when introducing Lloyd. Part of it is the baying crowd, but also the awful bow in her hair drowns her out. Lloyd says he has to fight, fight, fight to stay in the competition and is going to sing harder than ever before. I'm not sure that is even feasible, but it's a bit late to start trying in week 7. He's singing Faith and to distract from poor phrasing and weak breath control, he has had his hair styled like Nick Carter. This means little girls will scream "ohmigodhessocute" and vote for him. At least Brian hasn't littered the stage with streetwalkers as is his want with Lloyd. It's already inappropriate enough that Lloyd has a tattoo at 16. It was sort of ok, but this is week seven and I expect more. One point, I sort of want to just mute the entire audience. It's insane.
STACEY:
Ace Stace has a lot to live up to this week after her gorgeous performance last week. She's "gon'ome" this week and her son is utterly adorable as are her friends (one of them is Keisha Sugababe)! She's singing a Bonnie Raitt song which George Michael covered. I can almost see Louis flicking through his rule book furtively underneath the desk. She belts out an incredible note with some nice light effects shining out next to her. Gorge. I'm hoping it's enough because I have an uneasy feeling in my tummy that the British public doesn't quite get Stacey as a pop star, which of course is total lunacy on their part. She would be an amazing popstar. Sidebar: I quite like bow ties, but Louis proves they don't work on everyone. He looks like Professor Layton.
JEDWARD:
They are still going on about the pineapple incident that no one saw and lasted about a second. Calvin Harris must be laughing into his pineapple and cheese on a stick platter. Until he looks at his latest chart position of course. Ooo, John and Edward are singing I'm Your Man and it's got their trademark glance-at-each-other-furtively-to-see-if-still-doing-the-right-moves eye movements, which is now part of their appeal. Blimey, now it's merged (not seamlessly mind you) into Wham Rap and they are quite literally leaping all over the stage. Golly. It feels appropriate to say golly because apparently they went to boarding school, which is quite Enid Blyton isn't it. Digression. The song's over now after writing that, but they merged back into I'm Your Man at the end. I like their outfits. They certainly do the biggest performance each week and they make me smile. Perhaps we can not have them as popstars but get them a sitcom on CBBC or something?

DANYL:
They focus on Danyl going home rather than the widely reported Danyl having a hissy fit and running out of the studio crying because Simon wants him to sing Praying For Time instead of Careless Whisper. Though he probably does that when he doesn't get the last Yorkshire Pudding at home too. His strop has paid off because he is singing Careless Whisper. Not well at the start either. It sounds a bit flat to me and I'm quite tired so I'm dropping off at the yawn inducing arrangement. I keep waiting for a big moment but it's not coming. My God! His mouth is huge when open on the loud note bits. Like a hippo! I bet he can do a full teabagging no problem with that gob :P Still the song didn't connect at all. Has he actually done an upbeat song yet? Ever? Simon gets in a huff with Louis and slags off Jedward's outfits because of it. WHAT?! Danyl looks like he just pulled on whatever was in River Island window for goodness sake. Shut up Simon.
OLLY:
Bizarre running order of the acts this week what with 2 Simon acts together and Cheryl's pair (ooer) opening and closing the show. Hmmm. Olly has gone back to work in a "thank god my life isn't as shit as yours anymore" slap in the face to his ex colleagues! Tonight Olly is going to be sexy, current and relevant. Simon says this is the type of single Olly should be releasing. Well apparently relevant means doing a song that wasn't even released this decade. Much like Dany(awn)l the vocal really isn't working at the start, possibly because his trousers are so tight you can see the blood coarsing in his willy veins. It's ludicrous! It gets a bit better (he's doing Fast Love) and his dancing is getting a bit more endearing. When I'm drunk, I now find myself dancing like Olly so I hope it takes off! Ironically, it's very William of Young though Simon won't have him on the show - perhaps because it would show Olly how hard he needs to work to be up to that standard. Olly, olly, olly. Oh, oh, oh.
JOE:
I'm alarmed by my liking of Joe over the past 2 weeks. The fact that he went home wearing WHITE SOCKS with BLACK JEANS makes me like him a whole lot less. Oh it's another song that George Michael covered but didn't actually write. So all those glorious Wham singles and incredible George recrods yet there are only 4 (5 inc Wham Rap) originals in a 6 (7) song show? Shocking. Good theatre performance; hideous video images and he seems to be having a bit of a fit towards the end. I still like him but I can't see him as an exciting popstar. Let's face it, it's likely to be a Joe-Stacey-Olly top 3 and god help me I think I'm resigned to that.

PS, Kim Woodburn on I'm A Celebrity... eating a fish eye and saying "I've puked twice and had to swallow it back down" was more entertaining than the whole entire episode of tonight's X Factor. Now leave me be, I need to Feel The Spin :)