Lopez Blogs

Holiday Diaries _ April 06

Hello all - wow was so pleased to see so many people had visited the site over the 2 weeks i was off :) I'm back now and have a cacophany of things to post over the next week or so. There will definitely be at least one update a day - if not more... including some of the following:

• the holiday diaries and photos...
• Slit watch (darrens operation progress - he goes in to have part a disc in his neck removed on tuesday :( )...
• Wedding watch - a diary of all the stuff going on until my civil partnership in June
• And lots of new music i don't think anyone has covered yet :)
• Plus probably some slagging off of Keane. I am uber disappointed :(

Still was all forgotten after an evening at my fave cabaret bar La Belle. Its been going for years now but after a fire last year is under new management (showgirls of manchester) and this is the first time i have seen the new show. i loved it! With their spot on dance routines of Christina, Britney and Madonna's MTV award 3 way, Moulin Rouge, Chantelle does Popular from Wicked and a hilariously inventive tribute to the Wizard of Oz (tin man teaches Dorothy how to erm , let him in her back door :O ) it was slick and funny from start to finish :)

The laziest day ever. Just lounged around the terrace of our cute little bungalow. Darren got an electric shock from the toaster & stereo when he plugged them in.

His nipples popped right out. It was quite the sight!! Luckily he was ok and we had to wait ages for a replacement toaster and I was starving :( Darren entertained me with his new popped out nipples and did a "sexy" dance. Unforch for the little dazpanteloons, the guy arrived with the toaster just as daz was slathering himself "erotically" with tanning lotion. Toaster guy was bemused (but secretly aroused methinks) and daz way embarrassed. I was tittering for England. Although I did have to throw a magazine quickly over my lap ;)

Quick aside: remind to tell the story of a similar but more nude incident in an airport hotel from a few years ago. I could have died...

Evening was spent boozing it up in Center Stage and Bar Tubos. CS has this great atmosphere and we get on really well with the bar staff there, especially our fave Betty (hi Gez!!). You always end up singing some show tune with random strangers...

But you can't beat finishing off the night in Bar Tubos with 50 guys all saluting and marching on the spot to Your Disco Needs You :) Well, you cou8ld be parading around with some random sticker on your crotch (daz) or you could be dancing to MTV Awards style Madonna Vogue and accidentally thumb someone in the ye when pretending to flick your fan open (me) and then be annoyed when the don't accept your amusing Ich Bin Drovig apology; or drop your burger on the floor on the way home but choose to eat it anyway (darren!) Its all good!!

Tuesday 18th April...

Took a leisurely walk along the beach today which was perfectly lovely until we realised it was actually quite cloudy, not very warm and actually pretty bloody windy! We decided to abandon our beach plans and took a "short" cut through the sand dunes back to the bungalow. Windy samd dunes are a freaking nightmare to navigate and some were pretty steep. I had this brief feeling that we would be marooned there forever like some sad extras from Ishtar hoping that the film was going to be their big break. AHEM! Still clearly made it back, although seeing Darren hurtle down a dune at breakneck speed was pretty amusing. For me :)


Typically as soon as we got back, the clouds cleared and glorious weather prevailed. Lovely evening out apart from 2 low points: a way below par chinese meal and finding a cockroach in my bed. I screamed like a little bitch. MAJOR SHUDDER!

Wednesday 19th April...

Friday 21st April...

Refreshed after a good nights sleep - despite fear of cockroaches in my bed - so drove along the windy cliffs of death to the incredibly pretty fishing town of Mogan. It is the most gorgeous picturesque relaxing place on earth. The houses are incredible and on fridays it is market day so you can buy all local food and jewellry as well as cigarette lighters "hilariously" shaped as penises. *Shakes head* It really just devalues the neighbour hood doesn't it!! Still after two hours was bored rigid with the prettiness and relaxation so went back to trashy Playa for a quick peek at blogs and some sun worship...

had a brillo night at Center Stage. Betty tried to invent a new drink for me but we ended up with the jaffa cake tasting Tia Maria and orange juice. Not wildly creative but wildly delicious all the same. Met a rather adorable couple from the island - Steve and Eugene - who are sadly only around til Monday. Spent most of the night gabbing with them and knocking back drink after drink! Tried beer for the first time ever (really!). I must have liked it cos I knocked it back like it was barley water... Darren was most offended to be told he'd make a good drag queen but that didn't stop him prancing around the bar to the campest song ever (see below) with a veil on. Hmmm...

MP3: Billy Flywheel-around the old campfire

Saturday 22nd April...

Gosh, one week already. Usually we are preparing to go home at this point, so it seems quite luxurious to be staying another week. Finished off my book Peter and the Starcatchers, which is a prequel to Peter Pan. It started off quite slow and then got all gripping. It does a really good job of *pre-inventing* the world of Never Land and why Peter and the boys end up there with the powers they have. And i just get my heart tugged at books that have those 'everythings going to change forever' endings that are just too much like real life not to be sad at :( So all in all, tres bon!

Went shopping today - i love the clothes shop Springfield! It is like a more european version of the gap, employs attractive staff who sometimes still bare scars from recent nose jobs and have a killer line of clobber that i will have to go back for later in the week to plunder!! Was far too fatigued from last nights boozing to powershop so got a macdonalds (in the gayest bag ever!) and came back to have a lovely evening out with Betty, Steve and Eugene. Can't remember much of it but we were drunkenly doing Catherine Tate sketches which most have been most annoying for everyone around us... Was drunkenly skipping home with them all, when my Gap sandal (which eugene said is sexy to wear with jeans - i think he was serious but you can never tell!) went flying and cracked an over head light in the Yumbo! We all ran off giggling like little schoolgirls. I hope there isn't CCTV. What is criminal in spanish anyway??

Sunday 23rd April...

Poor dazpants comatose all day due to neck pains, poor lamb. Onto the next! Happy St Georges day!

Monday 24th April 2006

Woke up early to return the not very used at all rental car, came back to do laundry (there are only so many times you turn your actually quite fabulous aussie bum underwear inside out ya know!) in the most noisy communal (ew) washing machine ever, hung them out to dry (hoping none of the poorer gays would steal our undies ;) ) and then went wedding ring shopping. Found the most darling matching rings so snapped them up dead quick like... you just know that darren can't wait to get his ring on my finger, fnar fnar.

Came back, did 30 laps of the pool which damn near killed me thanks to my holiday diet of booze and, er, more booze, so quickly collapsed and finished my 4th book of the holidays (following the hilarious Girl 16-Pants on Fire; the criminally under-researched Take That biography and afore mentioned Peter Pan prequel) Septimus Heap: Book1. At first i passed it off as another Harry Potter clone, but it turned out to be so much more than that... It is about a magic family and a son who has a destiny, but the parents live and the 7th son of a 7th son is stolen at birth. It may be a kids book but along with Harry Potter and my all time fave Wicked, it explores themes of good and evil, nature vs nurture and choice vs destiny. I really enjoyed it and can't wait for book two...


Went out with Betty (Gez) in the evening to various bars and go to hear all the scandal and gossip from the island which was maaarvelous ;) The newly opened QE2 has an evil evil bartender who kept feeding us shots all night culminating in absinthe - the drink that turns Kylie into a fairy in Moulin Rouge. I'm not sure about me being a fairy, but it sure did have a mighty kick and I spent several sconds gasping for breath and dribbling attractively on the floor which I'm sure brings all the boys to my yard. Or something. Luckily i have already bagged Darren so I can let myself go now... Of course ended up drunk in Bar Tubos who played Madonna MTV Vogue in my honour and even gave me my own Bar Tubos fan to prevent any more thumb related injuries. Brillo

Tuesday 25th April 2006

It's getting harder to write about what we did all day - especially as I am jotting these thoughts down 24 hours after the fact. The Abstinence shots as I now call them (I certainly wasn't in the mood :O ) did weird things to me and i slept all afternoon having weird dreams and that is too many weirds in once sentence. Barely choked down this vile ravioli style dinner but devoured a KFC later on. Honestly i was ready to go home today - my holiday spirit is as over as Janet Jackson's career. And darren just played PSP all day! Rude!! Luckily had a good nights sleep and now ready to face the world again ;)

Wednesday 26th April 2006

Walked along the beach from Playa to Maspalomas - or MassyP as i call it - which sounds idyllic and is once you've passed the nudist section full of weightwatchers failures with their nipples bouncing off their knees. I seriously thought it would be impossible to have a camel toe while naked but this one woman proved me wrong. Shudder... Still it was quite lovely apart from that but killed me off. It's like when we first went to vegas and decided to walk from the stratosphere to mandalay bay. Its a LOT further than it looks...


Loverlee evening out at La Belle. Was rather pleased to find that the new metallic hand dryers made my reflection look quite tall and slim so spent slightly too long drying my hands admiring my new svelte figure when suddenly two horrid little boy things burst out of the same cubicle (?!) and said "Bitch could you not like totally listen to our conversation" before mincing off!!!!! I'd like to say i thought of some tart retort but honestly i just stood there like a stunned mullet with a face like Ashton Kutcher in Just Married when he bursts in on the boy in the airplane toilet :O But still looked tall and svelte in distorted reflection and thats all that matters. Soon got back into the swing of things learning dance routines to 9to5, Build Me up Buttercup and - lord help me - the Barbara Woodhouse song. Christ on a bike!!

Thursday 27th April 2006

Oh my stars, this holiday is going on forever and a day. I'm exhausted by it all. There is only so much sun sea sand nightlife and nookie a boy can take. I'm only 6 days off 32 you know!! So another day has passed by in a blur of BWO cds, wine, bad food and cabaret. I think it must be cockroach season here. There are hundreds of the little buggers running around all the live long day :( I feel like i am in the movie slither. Except i am starring in it and it will probably be called COCK! The locals barely bat an eye at them but i am running screaming everytime i see one. I had to drown one of the feisty little critters in the shower then leave a glass over its lifeless body for the maid to dispose of. I'm so masculine ;)

Friday 28th April 2006

yes, yes, most people surf youtube now but i decided to kick it old school sty-lee and see what people were up to in the world of myspace - the internet revolution of last year that is now so three months ago. First up...

Aah young Snedders. He taught us all to stop living the lie, then promptly disappeared :( And he had the least pop star name ever leading to a *friend* telling me one day "You are about as street as David Sneddon". Which I assume wasn't a compliment. There are a couple of new songs on his myspace site - neither particularly outstanding but Lady Lullaby is pretty enough. Still, its no Best of Order which as my good buddy Richard would say, is one hard rocking amigo... and all this talk of ex fame academy members made me wonder (albeit briefly) where my other faves had disappeared too...

... then I got an email from a friend of mine, Simon, who had been at the opening night of Movin' Out on the West End where 2nd season runner up James Fox had been the piano man. A role he had on broadway too. So i guess he's doing ok for himself :) Ps ~ Simon got to hobnob with some Dancing On Ice stars Bonnie Langford and his heartthrob Stefan Booth so he was most delighted about that. Unfortunately, I got confused and told everyone he liked Stefan Dennis and had seen Bonnie Tyler, which is almost as exciting but not really :(

And of course, thinking of James Fox (the Y is silent!) made me think of his bumboy Alistair Griffin. I'm telling ya, those two were inseparable on Fame Academy. Young Al has grown his locks and is gigging around some remote part of England. Ironic then that he has the best quality photo of the three ex-famers. Love the way all of them are performing in their photos. Don't forget! They are serious artists. Ok, back to myspace...

I love Click Five. They are not trendy or cool or hip or even wildly successful, but i really like their debut album. You can hear their latest single Say Goodbye on their myspace site along with the brillo Catch Your Wave and Just A Girl. Sadly, the genius pop princess isn't on their, but if you go to their regular homepage you can download it for free. You can't get it cheaper anywhere else. Now is it just me or does the blonde guy in the middle look like he's auditioning to replace Carson Kressley on Queer Eye?? Look at that pout...

Sweet Lizzie Maguire! McFly have gone American. Check out their amped up version of Five Colours In Her Hair on the myspace page. Its lost all the sweet exuberance of youth that made it so appealing in the first place. This is what happens when you hang with ho's like L-Lo. Plus - and don't laugh - they cite their influences as Green Day!! Oh McFly. What happened to you??

I was shocked to discover that Mohair have been around for years. I've been telling everyone i'd discovered this great new band. Its time to stop living that lie. You can listen to their Coldplay-esque new single (but with more balls, not pussywhipped by Gwynnie Coldplay) Life on myspace, but be sure to check out End Of The Line which has a great horn section in it that -seriously - reminds me of the horn section in Should've Been The One by little Debbie Gibson!! I just won a promo copy of their forthcoming album fo £4 on ebay so i doubt they will be huge anytime soon. But for now I am loving...

And! Finally! How brilliant was last night's television? At 8 we had the effervescent Sarah Beeny (who i have a non sexual crush on) presenting Streets Ahead, which is kinda like Extreme Makeover except she gets a whole Street to do up the front of their chavvy houses and of course someone wants to keep the pebbledash stone cladding that is bringing down the neighbourhood. The Beeny has the patience of a saint... Then at 9 it was a docusoap about school kids being taught 1950s style. I love the way the girls cried CRAMPS to get out of physed. Nothing changes. But the genius was at 10 - when failed boybanders (think Fast Food Rockers and Scooch) dragged it up in the first part of a six week show in an effort to become the next Girls Aloud. This show is amazing. But not as amazing as the behind the scene docu on the actual Girls Aloud. I swear Nicola smiled. Moody bitch.

Aah it was all very easy to get sucked into the Shayne Ward fever when i was completely addicted to X Factor for the latter part of last year... it was easy to overlook how formulaic That's My Goal was when released cos, well he's a bit of a looker and its easy to forgive dross when the singer is in a tank top all shaved and muscley. But i fear little Shayney is being turned into a one man Westlife and his new single is not impressing me. He needs to carve out his own niche a la William of Young or it will be Steve Brooksteinsville for him. I do hope he does well as he seems quite a lovely bloke :) Having said all that his version of Somewhere Over The Rainbow still gives me chills...

MP3: Shayne Ward - Somewhere Over The Rainbow

While writing about where have all the boybands gone on Friday evening or whenever I penned it, I came across a band called Hypo Psycho who coincidentally release their debut album this very Monday...


The *greenday/clash* inspired band consists of 3 blokes - lead singer Mikey was raised in a religious cult and hadn't even heard of music til he was 16. Fancy growing up and not even listening to the delights of Shampoo?! Shocking! Anyway, their debut single is presented below and while i don't think it will change the face of pop music as we know it, its a pleasant enough romp. Kinda like Madness taking a proper good spanking from Reel Big Fish...

MP3: HypoPsycho-Public Enemy#1

Now time for something a little less cheesy... its time to get down with the cool kids! So i present the Rumble Strips!


They are bound to be the gutter snipe white soul band that the upset stomach of post Libertines London has been threatening to spew out for years. That's not *whitesoul* in the respectfully homaged Simply Red, horns at the back, twat at the front sense, but *whitesoul* in the Dexys Midnight Runners meets E Street shuffle, blowing their lungs out through their saxophones, this music is life or death sense. I love the bold life affirming anthem Motorcycle which has an amazing one take video in which the band sing, ride bikes no handed (which can lead to a nasty scraped elbow and tears believe you me!) swerve eggs lobbed by disgruntled residents all at the same time. This song seriously makes me want to hug life...

MP3: The Rumble Strips-Motorcycle

I remember when I was in the first flush of youth (1988) rushing out to buy I Should Be So Lucky by Ms Minogue. Oh of course back then she had horrible style and a poodle perm but didn't we all? I was convinced it would go in the charts at number one. It entered at something like 87. I was devastated. In todays market, Kylie would never have got a second chance but she promoted the poop out of that track and the rest is history...

Flash forward nearly 20 years and Kylie is now a cultural icon. She has mastered the art of the perfect pop song (or at least choosing it), she is almost as chameleon as Madonna and her Showgirl concert is the best concert I have ever been too. Like everyone else, i have nervously been following her recovery and hope she feels better soon.

So its not like i'm going to be posting anything new and unique here. its kylie unlikely that you will stumble across these tracks and go *ooo how magic!* But unreleased Kylie just shows how good Kylie is and digging out these tracks today has made me eager for her full recovery and a new cd...

Unreleased (Body Language era)
MP3: I'm Just Here For The Music
MP3: My Image Unlimited

Demo (Scissor Sisters era)
MP3: I Know

Bonus!
MP3: Better The Devil You Know (w/ Adam Garcia from an Audience With Kylie)

(BTDYK is my favourite Kylie track and I love this slightly jazzy/20's dance hall version from the ITV1 special in 2001)

Lets flash back to August 2005 ~ here is what i wrote on a forum back then...

I so need to do a post about the brilliance of some choice American shows, but for right now its about the best Britain has to offer... and I couldn't kick start with any other show than the mighty Footballers Wives

Footballers Wives (or FoBo Hos as I call it) has been on for five years now and has exceeded in being crazy tasteless and brilliant in one fell swoop. There have been burnt boobies, nurses sexually pleasuring coma patients, OTT weddings, switched and suntanned babies, murders, affairs and of course Tanya Turner Laslett Gates Turner Federico. The quality of the series has only dipped when she left in year four. Sob. But shes back, crazy eyes and press on nails with her and to up the genius factor, the producers have pitched her as a love rival for Joan Collins toyboy. Cue catfights, evil glances and cocaine sniffed from a finger nail. Marv. Check out this brilliant tanya turner LGTF myspace site for more insanity...

Ps ~ I was convinced that Callum (and I love how the producers make them wear the most outlandish *fashions*!) was formerly one fifth of brillo boy band V (now sadly missed) ~ But i was wrong. Darn.

Right - segueing directly from Footballer's Wives to Strictly Dance Fever. you'll see why soon. SDF is like the dance version of pop idol - clueless and talented people audition to win a dance contract and £50,000. Last night was the first night of the second season, so kicked off with auditions and of course the best thing about these are the people who are completely rubbish but think they are brillo. Like the guy who did a John Travolta esque dance move 21 times in a row and then when didn't get through told the camera he would soon lead a Broadway revival of Saturday Night Fever. yes dear, possibly in your mind while you are strapped down in the looney bin... It should be rubbish of course, but somehow its utterly compulsive and addictive and the perfect show to watch while getting ready to go out on a saturday night. The FoBo Hos connection?

Ben Miller who plays Bruno Milligan of the show is one of the judges as he has a background in West End shows, including fact fans, playing Kenickie opposite Deborah Gibson in Grease. Brill! I can't wait to pass judgement on the final 10 contestents when they are revealed on Easter Saturday. Which happens to be on right before the second season premiere of...