Lopez Blogs

Oh! It’s the final of the X Factor! Dermot is wearing another ill fitting suit, and standing in front of a Christmas tree. The judges come on, and clearly are split into Louis and Sharon (boo you whores) and Dannii and Simon (Aces!). Then the acts come on and Same Difference (clearly the only act I have any interest in at this stage - boo to Leon who i can never understand a word he says and boo to Rhydian and his constant homophobic comments) are wearing Christmas outfits. I fucking love them. Their vt shows them back at their home town turning on Christmas lights and they just look so excited and humble, and when sean’s jumper rides up a little bit he has a well toned tummy. You can just bet he is the sort that is all sweet and innocent but in the bedroom is all “say my name bitch!” Ok first song…

Same Difference - All I Want For Christmas Is You: There are elves! And they fly up to the Christmas trees and turn it on by sprinkling fairy dust over it. Darren thinks they put on a good show, but i don’t really hear him because i am already smitten with the magic of it all. Oh my god the elves have lifted them on their shoulders! Ok, vocally its vg of course with some lovely harmonies. Its bloody brilliant and it’s a fucking travesty if they don’t win. Louis has some backhanded compliments for them, stupid see you next tuesday. Sharon says something but i now hate her, so I don’t even listen. Simon and Dannii of course love them.

Leon ~ White Christmas: Yup, just as expected, Leon mumbles his way through his pre-song VT and I have no idea what he is saying. ENUNCIATE YOU GOON!! Darren gets annoyed that he is going on about what a star he is when he hasn’t actually done anything yet. I’m impressed that Darren can understand what he is saying. He visits the chav clothes shop he used to work in and one hopes that he will be there working again soon. The neo facist song Leon is singing is declared boring and uninspiring by Darren. It’s actually not X Factor finale material, and I love Christmas songs! Little wobbles on the lower notes don’t help. Dull dull dull. Of course the judges will fucking love it! Louis and Sharon don’t actually comment on his singing, just how much confidence he has gained. Simon quite rightly assumes that it is 1-0 to Same Difference at this point…

Rhydian ~ O Holy Night: Ugh, can i just preface this by saying I hate the fact that it is assumed that Rhydian will win. And the fact that he would rather be in a broadway musical than have a record career (which begs the fact, why the heck are you in this competition?) In the VT they show his granny (always good for votes) and his mom who has been jumping up and down with no bra on in the audience for weeks. He assumes that the whole of Cardiff has come out to see him. I’m sure some people stayed home. Anyway, onto the song… Dressed all in white with white hair he looks a tad albino. I bloody love O Holy Night, so am a bit annoyed he is singing it. Oh for fucks sake, he fell on his knees during the “fall on your knees” bit. That’s taking it a bit literally. Oh jesus christ on a cross, there is so much make up on his face, and now a kids choir is singing, and normally i would slag that off, but Same Diff did it a coupla weeks back so I better give it a rest. It strangely lacked the power I like in the song. I can’t even be arsed to listen to the judges comments as they already think it’s a done deal that the bloke who would go on Little Britain but not as a gay, will win the competition. Oh shit.

Same Difference with Jason Donovan ~ Any Dream Will Do: Ooo it’s duet time. Sarah looks beautiful and Sean scrubs up surprisingly well in a well fitted suit (take note Dermot) and then Jason D comes in and SD make him look incredibly old. But it all sounds very lovely. You can tell Jason is thrilled to be on such a high rated tv show. Sean looks just amazed he is singing with Jason Donovan. Louis is rolling his eyes (vicious queen) - ooo screw that, they just merged it into the proper give me my coloured coat bit that ends the musical. I got goosebumps. Darren didn’t think it was the best, but that is heresy really, so I ignore him. Jason tells Dermot that music is about fun and heart and Same Difference have that in spades.

Rhydian with Katherine Jenkins ~ You Raise Up: Bloody hell. This song was already on the Westlife special an hour earlier. Darren thinks Katherines voice doesn’t go with the song, and it does sound a little bit odd. In fact it’s almost comical. There was a dodgy note from Rhydian i think, and frankly, i expected better. Shayne Ward’s Over The Rainbow, two finales ago was way better than this. Bernice texts me to say that Rhydian is nauseating and has thin lips, ergo he is mean. I concur.

Leon with Kylie ~ Better The Devil You Know: As I expected, it is exactly the same version of the song that Kylie did with Adam Garcia on her ITV show about five years ago. It’s a bit unfair that leon gets Kylie, and she looks bloody awful from the neck down in a body stocking. Darren notes that Leon must be tiny as he is about the same height as Kylie. Leon’s vocal isn’t great, and must every song he does be a swing one? Would it have killed him to have the full disco version of this? He really is the gurning Ray Quinn of the competition. Kylie looks stunning from the neck up however!

The Crap Auditionees ~ Medley: Oh dear jesus. It’s the bad auditionees who have had the piss taken out of them relentlessly, it is all horribly out of tune, some of them you can’t even hear and then some muscle marys carry in the poor little fat girl and almost drop the poor bitch. How utterly humiliating. To be fair they all look pretty terrified and some of them are obviously singing their hearts out in the false belief that this will get them a record contract. I feel horribly for them!!

Same Difference ~ Breaking Free: Ooo it’s the cardi with the SD on it! Sean has the hairstyle Darren is trying to get which is probably why i find him inappropriately attractive. Sean, not Darren. I find Darren appropriately attractive. Ooo there are kids on tables like they are in a classroom. I see what they did there ~ key change coming up and of course it is powerhouse, and I am all goosebumps again. Oh! They jumped off a table and dance and sing and wear great clothes. Did i mention that I fucking love love love them… The whole auditorium are on their feet except Louis who is once again negative and the audience rightly chants off off off! I ignore evil witch Sharon again, skanky mommymoo. Like me with Simon Curtis, Dannii can only repeat ace things about them and Simon thinks they should win. I am so Simon right now! Now is a good time to say that while I would love an album of original material, i think it wouldn’t be amiss to have All Stars Love Is and Come So Far (Got So Far To Go) from the hairspray soundtrack on their album to really make my year!

Leon ~ Some song: He is wearing an outfit that I usually love, but he has chosen a boring song that i don’t even know so now is a good time for a wee.

Rhydian ~ Somewhere: First off, Bernice thinks Leon will win. Darren comments how wrong she is. Rhydian is doing that vocally vg performance of the West Side Story song that would be so out of place in todays chart it is ridiculous. Of course, it’s quite stunning but i cannot in good conscience back this dude. Even if he had the best pop single ever, I would boycott the guy. I have my standards, they may be ridiculously low but I still have them. Dannii cried again. Or it’s just the tears from the stitches breaking from behind her ears. Simon has so far said that Same Difference deserve to win, Leon was brilliant and Rhydian was brilliant. Oh and now Rhydian should win according to Simon. I’m being sent mixed messages.

Results show…

The first few minutes of the results show just demonstrate how much filler there is in the x factor. First off, there is a recap of the first nine songs sung by the finalists. And though it hasn’t happened yet, next will be the Kylie song (I’m thinking WOW) and then there will be a break, probably…

Oh good grief, it’s time to get rid of an act. I’m very scared. If Same Difference go I will never get to hear them sing When You Believe which I have already decided will be my Christmas number one, if they sing it. Oh fuck. Same Difference are out. I have no more interest in the competition. Boo you voting whores!!!!!