Lopez Blogs

So another week, another X Factor, and the disco week - usually an unmitigated disaster (only surpassed by Abba weeks) - saw a slight improvement in a few acts. Here’s the skinny. PS ~ how fucking adorable are Same Difference above?!

• I have decided that I think I would have quite like to have seen hot body Daniel do disco week. Why are all the DILF’s voted off this competition ridiculously early?
• Leon does a horribly susbstandard performance of Relight My Fire (which just goes to show how ace take that are for doing a rather brillo cover of it all those years ago) and is dressed all in white so he kind of looks like a giant sperm. Sadly if the wiggling through to the womb to knock someone up is the x factor winner, then Leon is going to be headbutting the tip of the condom! (WORST METAPHOR EVER!). Naturally all the judges tell him it was brilliant. I didn’t know it was National Lies Day?!
• Oh Nikki no. She is dressed like a slightly large 70s porn star, or like when Sigourney Weaver is all possessed and evil in Ghostbusters. Last week she didn’t sing in tune, but hey that doesn’t really matter in this competition. She sings Hot Stuff. Simon doesn’t like her and says she looks like someone’s mom at a wedding. Which she did so he is right. However, Nikki reacts with a total lack of class - i think she was trying to flirt banter with him, but it didn’t come across that way and now I don’t like her smugness.
• Rhydian does Go West, and is dressed like a Captain (so that future career selling Birds Eye Fish Fingers will come in well handy) and marches and salutes. It’s quite good, but last week his performance was so stellar that this is a little substandard in comparison. But Rhydian’s substandard is miles better than most others in this competition. I did laugh quite hard when Sharon went in the VT “He’s already done camp ~ where does he take it now?” I think that’s Rhydian’s private business and when he wants to sell it to News Of The World he will.
• It’s at this point that I also swear Dannii is stinking drunk
• Hope totally balls it up by choosing an Abba song. The genius of Abba songs is that they sound lovely and melodic and easy to sing to, but they are incredibly complex and intricate and Hope just couldn’t manage it. Plus they tried to be a bit trendy by singing Hung Up at various stages in a “sly wink” to the audience. It is truly dreadful. Again mainly because I can’t stand that Phoebe’s voice, and possibly because i dislike them in the same way D’Luv dislikes Girls Aloud. I am drunk by the time it is announced they are in the bottom two and start cackling for some reason in a vile old queen way. Why, God knows, though i was at G-A-Y bar, which apparently is where Louis and Sharon goes so it is probably appropriate.
• I now don’t like Beverly either - she totally uses her class 6a to get sympathy yet at every opportunity wheels out how she can’t go back to that life. She is “taking a risk” this week by singing I’m Every Woman. No Beverly that is not taking a risk. A risk would have been not to shout all the way through it. The real risk again was the hideous outfit. Still her vocal was less shouty than normal so I can live with it!
• Alisha was as shit as ever - what the fuck those roller skaters were about i’ll never know. Same Difference know how to pull off cute tricycle gimmicks. Alisha does not. Simon blames Sharon for the performance and says she should have done something about it. Unbelievably, instead of defending her contestant, Sharon starts moaning about how she has no power on the show and how she doesn’t make any decisions. I felt a tiny bit sorry for Alisha at this point, but not very. Sharon just came across as a venomous old harpy. Oh wait. She is.
• As Vanessa Williams said before she got all evil and brilliant in Ugly Betty - Save The Best For Last. Same Difference are excited about disco week and adorably, sing D-I-S-C-O adlibbed. It is utterly beautiful and honestly these two could come on and do pretty much anything and I would find it adorable. I’m so in love. They sing Blame It On The Boogie, and just to show I can be objective, it wasn’t as good as last week, but still fantastic. Of course there are the annoying cutaways to Louis trying to look grumpy, but it totally has the air of “oh camera on me better look mean and moody” when actually it just makes him look like he’s having a big old difficult poo. Then of course he critiques saying that they are ace for Butlins but not the charts as they are not in the same league as Shayne Ward. Who is at Butlins this week. Last week Louis told Leon they didn’t need Michael Buble impersonators as they already had Michael Buble. Westlife are currently in the top ten with a note for note cover of Home by, guess who? Mikeybabes Buble! I feel Girls Aloud are utterly right in outing Louis for being a crap manager who knows nothing about his acts, because judging by his bitchy comments, he doesn’t.
• Sean Same Difference swallowed some confetti during singing. How adorable. He has such cute facial expressions too.
• Bye Alisha. You won’t be missed. Motown week next week. I am shuddering at the thought!