Lopez Blogs

Once again, I cannot be bothered to address what a travesty of a non-theme American Anthems is. Unless Cher(yl) raps the Star Spangled Banner, I'm not interested. I am still amused, however, by Rihanna calling herself superficial when she meant superstitious on the Xtra Factor last week. Maybe this will calm my rage. Here are the tunes I would have picked for my deserving fizzyfactor contestants...

• Princes & Rogues ~ America (Razorlight)
• Simon Curtis ~ Damn, I Wish I Was Your Lover (Sophie B Hawkins)
• Elouise ~ All These Things I've Done (The Killers)

• THE INTRO ~ One button suit, a pocket hanky and a poppy. Oh Dermot, you rock my world. Louis also chooses to wear a grey suit but it doesn't quite fit him as well. Cheryl is dressed as a black widow this week and looking awfully smug after leaving her acts to piss off to the USA to sign a record contract there. Hmph.
• CHER(YL) ~ Cher(yl)Clone is in it to win it and is singing a song that is tattoeed on her wrist. At 17. When you are clearly old enough to decide that you wish to scar your body for life. She does that Alicia New York songy thingy with the Jay-Z rap. Cos she raps too you know, in case you forgot last week. She does neither singing or rapping very well this week and at one point she seems to mug a blonde girl with such ease and finesse that she clearly has experience in this field. Either that or she's giving her a noogie. If that's the right expression for when you rub your knuckles on someone's head. I don't know - it was all nippletwisters in my school. Of course the judges love it - except Simon who says that last week Cher(yl)Clone was 100% original. Singing a cover version. By god, CherylBlackWidow looks jaundiced. Cher(yl)Clone looks as furious at Simon as she did a few weeks ago at Dannii. Simon is getting a noogie later...
• MARY ~ God, the Faith Hill anthem is going to be the dullsville There You'll Be (US #10 hit, hardly an anthem) when it should have been This Kiss. Sigh. She doesn't look any worse for wear at having had Vargnur walk in and peek at her foofoo. She does seem, however, to be struggling with the tune and desperately searching for the note at times. Nice song but not her greatest week. I love how seriously Dannii & Her Enormous Gold Bow take the judging. Louis just says Mary is a real person. Are they not all real, except Cher(yl) who is a clone? Mary just looks knackered - like she's done a double shift at Tescos.
• KATIE ~ Has she actually stopped crying yet? Oh, according to the VT, no she hasn't. Though she has had a lot of doors slam in her face on her quest for a career in music. I exhibit no surprise and kindly point out that HMV are looking for seasonal staff. She "sings" No Doubt's Don't Speak (actually never charted on the Billboard 100 due to the rules at the time, but i'll count it as an anthem cos it was every bloody where when i was working in NY in 1996). It's no Gwen Stefani who Katie has erroneously been compared to on the show in the past. She crouches with 'emotion' at one point but it just looks like she is taking a massive dump :( Apparently (if you trust digital spy) she didn't practice, and it shows. It was entirely ghastly so of course Louis says it was brilliant. Dannii & Her Enormous Golden Bow are spot on. Bravo Dannii...
• AIDEN ~ His quiff is getting more enormous by the week isn't it? And they show him "having a laugh" with Brian Friedman while he (Aiden) is wearing a very du jour knitted cardi. INTENSITY Aiden! He is singing Nothing Compares 2 U (written by Prince, ergo sort of American Anthem nit picking fans) and sings it as if he is auditioning for the role of Hannibal in Silence! The Musical! His voice is tremendous; his facial expressions not so much - he's sort of like a deer caught in the headlights and Here's Johnny in The Shining. If you look away from the tv, the performance and vocal are actually very good indeed. Louis dribbles all over him again. He's verging on predatory. Run Aiden! "Raw talent, raw talent" groomy Louis cries. We all know he means "raw meat"...

• PAIJE ~ 2 boys in a row? Surely they can work out the order better than this?! Paije imparts such wisdom in his VT as "if I wasn't doing the X-Factor, I'd be doing my normal every day life". Sigmund Freud, analyse this! He's dressed like a down on his luck pimp in an orange waistcoat that clashes hideously with his poppy. He "mashes" (IT IS NOT A MASH UP) I'm A Believer (US #1) with Hey Ya (US #1) (both sort of american anthemic). He gets a bit breathless/hungry and almost eats the mic at one point. It is sometimes charming (particularly when he boogies) and sometimes awful but mostly just decent and a bit of harmless fun. Simon looks furious when Louis compares him to Lenny Henry. Even Louis looks a bit chagrinned...
• REBECCA ~ Please do something uptempo. Please wear decent lipstick. Please don't forget the words. And please don't cry. It's a ballad, but her lipstick is quite lovely and she remembers the words. Everything else fades out as she out Gamus Gamu with already-returned-to-the-top-5-thanks-to-the-x-factor To Make You Feel My Love (US #50 for Billy Joel but #1 country hit for Garth. I'll allow it. It just doesn't feel very anthemy though). I actually get a bit tearful. As does Adele thinking of the royalties as her song will no doubt yo-yo back up the charts. She looks stunning and sings beautifully. She nods enthusiastically when Louis tells her she is special and amazing :P
• WAGNER ~ it's v-v-v-v-Wagner says a very pleased Louis introducing this year's marmite. Louis is in full faux pas mode tonight. Probably to cover up Vargnur walking in on Mary and beating up one of One Direction. He's doing Viva Las Vegas which actually does feel like an American Anthem. He's doing it dreadfully though. And lots of female dancers shimmy behind him as if they are auditioning to be one of Paije's Pimp Posse. Oh! It's now merged (and not seamlessly or masheduply) into The Wonder Of You (less anthem-y)as he gets married to Christina Aguilera. Sheesh! Danni & Her Enormous Golden Bow nails it by calling him very Vegas Chapel of Love performer quality. (PS CherylBlackWidow is all over Dannii & Her Enormous Golden Bow this week!) "Isn't this like your 3rd marriage?" says a bitchy Dermot! BRILLIANT!

• MATT ~ Matt Hardon gets a bit cocky in his VT saying he's done enough to win the show. He's plastered loads of walls don't you know?! HE IS WEARING ORANGE/TAN TROUSERS AND SINGING ONE OF HIS AUDITION SONGS. Look, he sings it brilliantly, wonderfully, amazingly, it's a genius performance full of emotion and pathos. I admit that. Now let me have a little moan about him and Rebecca - they need to mix it up a bit. Go a bit uptempo. Even Westlife do fast songs! I would fall asleep listening to an album of this. It's beautiful in a one off setting surrounded by other artists. I need more. Am I asking too much? I'll get back to you in the morning. Matt does the praying hand thing again at the judges and borrows Katie's tears. I think he gets snot all over Dermot's £500 jacket...
• TREYC ~ It's a fight each week says Trek. Blimey, what's CherylBlackWidow got upto in the ladies now?! Hoho. Say what you want about Trek not having a thread, at least she mixes it up and shows her versatility, which is what they used to say to contestants who sang ballads each week (e.g. Mary, Rebecca, Matt, Aiden) - there needs to be a balance between having a thread and showing versatility. It's Ruth Lorenzo Trek this week as she sings one of my least favourite songs ever (along with Cher's Believe) Don't Wanna Miss A Thing. Yack. I tune out though the ace gang informs me it is of the quite good standard. "You sparkled" says Dannii & Her Enormous Bow. "Thank you" says an ungracious Trek through gritted teeth, before almost quoting Jumping Jack Flash at Dermot...
• ONE DIRECTION ~ The VT has flesh flashes for all the tweens and fmforum people out there. This is as inappropriate as the boys calling La Cowell Uncle Simon. Shudder. They are doing a very nice, perky Kids In America, dressed as jockish jocks. It's all very pep-rally and makes me smile at the exuberant joy they naturally infuse the song with. On it's so much fun - i love it, i love it, i love it. It cheered CherylBlackWidow right up and knocked the jaundice right out of her. Louis moans that it wasn't a hit in America. Uh, it made no. 25, it was fairly prominent in the Clueless soundtrack, tween sensation Jonas Bros rerecorded it as Kids of the Future for Meet The Robinsons, the American Juniors sang it and it was on the Jimmy Neutron Boy Genius soundtrack for crying out gods sake. I think it probably is one of the more anthemic songs about America of the night. I'm disappointed nobody did King and Queen of America by Eurythmics though :(

Fave 3 - One Direction, Matt, Rebecca
Bottom 3 - Wagner, Katie and (sob) Mary...