Lopez Blogs

I'm always a little bit in awe of acts that - no matter where they get their pop beginnings from - work hard to build up a public profile beyond shows like the x-factor. They tirelessly promote themselves at gigs, showcases and online to build up a following and then, ultimately, gain their hopeful big break into the music industry with oodles of success. Three acts I adore have been doing that this week. Take the very lovely James Leon. His new single Caught In Your Vanity (which I reviewed here and called a sublime piece of music, like a lost Human League demo) is out on iTunes this week and is already getting rave reviews from PopTrashAddicts and Fabtasticmusic. It's already been played on Larry Flick's Morning Jolt (where I can't wait to take the lovely Princes & Rogues) and just shimmers from start to finish with synthy delight. Likewise, lovely Elouise has been wowing the crowds at Madame JoJos this week with a performance to bring the house down, while my adorable Princes and Rogues have been all over the country performing and turning on Christmas lights. Just sadly not in Birmingham. Sigh. Here is what I would have given them all to sing this week:

• Princes & Rogues ~ Ob La Di Ob La Da (it would have been AMAZING!!)
• Elouise ~ In My Life (a la Bette Midler in For The Boys)
• James Leon ~ Ticket To Ride (a beautiful shimmering synthy version)

Anyway... on with the show...

BEATLES WEEK:

• INTRO ~ Everytime Cher(yl) Lloyd and Katie Weasel pop up on my screen I feel properly billeous from my tongue to my tummy. Dermot has a nice waistcoat on this week and a rather regal tie. I choose to believe it's because of the upcoming royal wedding. Hurrah Katilliam! He introduces Beatles week. And the judges. Dannii once again is an elegant vision, while CherylChainMail is wearing whatever knights wore under their armour back in the day. Some old man appears on the video screen to tell the acts to just get on with it. Indeed.
• MATT ~ Boys are first again? I really must check out this, I'm sure it's a conspiracy!! I check. Out of 7 live shows, boys have been first 3 times and last once, while girls have been first once and last a whopping 5 times!! Hmmm. Anyway, Matt is very upset that Aiden has left and compliments his tight ass. Or something. Matt is having dancers this week though i suspect he won't dance. He's forgotten to put his shirt on (i'm not complaining) as he does Come Together (how bukkake) and it's all rather good. A little bit dangerous. A little bit sexy. A little bit amazing. Christ alive! Louis has been using CherylChainMail's hair dye! How scary. Matt (mercifully) has stopped using his praying hands and kisses one of his fists instead. Dannii says she is dripping. I've heard that happens to women once they've had a baby...
• CHER(YL) ~ CherylChainMail introduces her as adorable and I'm on the phone right away complaining to trading standards about that description. A puppy is adorable. A girl who looks like she would glass you with a WKD bottle is not. During Beatles week she decides to sing a John Lennon solo song. Because apparently rules do not apply to her! I don't even think she is that good and why she keeps grinning inanely as if to say "yes, i'm really this brilliant" is beyond me. Simon takes a drink mid performance. He's probably bored. To be honest, i went to heat up some mulled wine! PS ~ CherylChainMail's hair looks greased down in bacon fat. Yuck.
• ONE DIRECTION ~ Yay! I'm really loving a bit of Wand Erection. And I actually wrote that as WE without even thinking about it. Incredible. Dannii says they must get it perfect. Dear god, don't let Zain sing then! hoho. They are up on boxes singing a rather glorious, uplifting version of All You Need Is Love. COMPLETE WITH LOVE LOVE LOVE BACKING VOCALS. AND HAND CLAPS. It sounds totally beatles via Bay City Rollers via 2010. I love love love. KEY CHANGE. EUPHORIA. Yes, i liked it. A lot. CherylBaconFat is in a right pissy mood tonight. I'm perversely pleased by this. Yay.
• REBECCA ~ Rebecca is loving airbrushing. I would love it.I have to attempt photo shop to get rid of my lines, wrinkles and bags. She is singing a Beatles song according to her "scintillating" VT, because that little nugget is as interesting as it's going to get this week. At least that puts her one ahead of Cher(yl)!! She's doing Yesterday and sadly not the En Vogue hip hop version. She's dressed as a blood clot and obviously has a terrible vitamin deficiency as she has rickets. Her legs are REALLY FAR APART, like she has taken it up the 'arris!! Good God! She must have had a hard day's night, chortle. Look, I haven't written much about the song because we all know Rebecca is a jolly fine vocalist. I'd just like something a bit different. Dannii should have dragged her along when she went to see Elouise this week to see how someone can excel at slow songs but also be more versatile.

• MARYFROMTESCO ~ Maryfromtesco's daughter (DawnfromBeeJams)is the spitting image of her in't she?! I'm half hoping that Mary sings while scanning items through on a till. She's not. Sadness. She does that Shirley Bassey version of Something In The Way She Moves. I think she's trying to be sexy with her girlish headbead on. And Pat Butcher's flowing jacket. (Dannii has the matching Pat Butcher earrings). I really quite like the performance. I think it's a bit pointless getting Mary to do anything beyond 1979 as it's not what she is about nor is it what people want from her. PS, i totally think Louis' suit is from the "buy the suit, get the shoes, shirt and tie free" range for £129 at Burtons. Bargainings!
• PAIJE ~ Paije felt punched in the face last week. Oh dear, he must have run across CherylBaconFat in the toot!! More chortling. He's doing Let It Be. It's a bit big for him, like his usual line in cabaret jackets. I wanted to give this to Princes and Rogues this week for my fake judges choices so I'm a bit miffed. He wheels out the children's choir from Michael Jackson's Earth Song and looks a bit godly on his podium. I suppose someone had to give them some work. Personally i'm grossly disappointed that he didn't bend the rules and do the Frog Chorus. That is proper immensicles. Louis calls him a little Marvin Gaye. Jesus, don't let his dad in the building...
• WAGNER ~ Each week the judges (rightly) slag Wagner off but let's not forget he wouldn't be at this stage of the competition if they hadn't kept putting him through the various stages and the public kept voting him through, so in effect they are slagging themselves off (which is ok) and slagging off the voting public who pay their wages (sort of) (which is not ok). Wagner runs on stage practically frenching the mic doing Get Back. Then it goes a bit weird for the Hippy Hippy Shake. I think someone is standing on his foot as he keeps going "ow" a lot. Then he does Hey Jude-Ju-Ju-Ju-Jude-Na-Na-Na-Na-OW! Oh. My. Christ. Said like Pamela Arugelashefsca Shipman from Gavin And Stacey. Was there a note in tune? I couldn't find it! CherylBaconGrease is in a right strop about something Wagner allegedly said in the paper. We have to ignore all the stuff written about her acts, and their behaviour and what they have said, but we must have our attention drawn to something Wagner allegedly said about CherylBaconFat. Hideous.
• KATIE ~ A girl goes last for the 5th time. Does being in the bottom 2 a total of four times out of 6 so far not tell you anything?! "The public saved you, don't forget that" bleats whiny CherylBaconFat. Uh, not really they didn't. She's come this week dressed as Eponine from Les Mis in her latest manipulative attempt to trick the public and she sort of sings Help. But it's not the Lanananeenanoonoo version so i'm not interested and she's not Aiden so that's a double negative. Which in this case does not make a positive. Meh meh meh. I don't know why I bother. It's clear the producers and half the judges want her to stay and will manipulate the show to keep her in so my opinion or anyone else who doesn't vote for her in their millions doesn't really matter. Dannii is right on the money and I absolutely love her for it.

Top performances ~ One Direction; Matt; Mary
Bottom 2 ~ Katie; Paije