Lopez Blogs

EDIT: FINAL 12 IN THE COMMENTS!
Once again, even though it's judge's houses, a double bill (and 95 bloody mins on the Saturday show alone) fills me with horror because I know all the filler is going to drive me absolutely bonkers. Also as this is a scripted show, I fear that several things will happen...

• Simon is bound to pick Danyl and Afro; Sinitta will lounge around in a sarong
• Louis will see a "different side" to The Twins From Hell (TTFH) and will put them through to the live show. Good gravy.
• One of the judges will not put someone through that the public expects to be put through. This will probably be American Ethan as he's playing lots of showcase "gigs" in London this very week and I'm not sure this is allowed in the rules of the show.

Hush now, because it's coming on and I need to see if my predictions come true (which is easy to say seeing as this blog will go up after the show, but I swear I am scribbling down my thoughts in "real time" as the show progresses!)

SATURDAY'S SHOW - THE FILLER:

• Louis has taken the groups to Lake Homo. Oh, I'm sorry - Lake Como. I misheard for some reason. Italy! Not Ireland!! And Harmony Hood are back because the quite good (I think) TruColourz did a Nadine and lied about their age. And because they spent all their money going to Italy, they can only afford a boyzone, not a westlife this year...
• The boys go to Morocco where the humidity has made Cheryl's hair bigger than ever. And she's helped by William of Young and his hair plugs! Brilliant.
• Simon is in Hell Lay of course and doesn't look 50. I was wrong about Sinitta and her sarong. She parades out covered up by leaves - clearly an outfit she borrowed from Lady Cuckoo.
• And who cares where Dannii is? She's with Kylie! Minogues reunited (and it feels so good). Kylie looks blooming and blooming lovely in a much better green outfit than Sinitta. Dannii just looks radiant. Hurrah.

CHERYL, WILLIAM & THE BOYS:

• Oh finally, it's down to the ACTUAL AUDITION PROCESS. I know this because an instrumental of All or Nothing is playing (which has replaced J'Ai Ho - because they are in, um, Morocco?!) Joe sings Sorry Seems To Be The Hardest Word in quite a nice black polo top and in the style of Mr William Young. (I'm sorry but Blue have ruined that song for me - I keep wanting to go "yo yo" in the style of Simon Webbe). Next up is popstar looking Lloyd, and clearly he has lots of time in the mornings because I could not be doing with sorting that hair out every day. He does I'm Yours (above) and it's a lot lot better than his initial audition version. Finally a voice to match the image. Daniel looks absolutely amazing to be in the presence of HRH William of Young, gets tearful and does the best Broadway Factor audition ever. Brill voice, not for the x-factor though...
• Ethan's got that bloody scarf on AGAIN (he'll need it, shilling himself round the London pub scene :/) He isn't very good at all (for this stage in the competition) but William thinks he looks very handsome. What a ringing endorsement for his voice! Duane is pleasant but not outstanding. Finally eyebrows Rikki (what's wrong with Ricky?!) gets to sing for his life (!) He is werid both in his singing and his epileptic movements. His hat is crap too. He will most likely go through because the story arc for the season dictates that at least one former contestant must go through. It could be One True Voice man though...
• William and Cheryl deliberate. She's torn, but like the other judges, I'm sure her million pound pay cheque softens the blow.

LOUIS, RONAN & THE GROUPS:

• So it's over to Louis and Ronan (is he even 30 yet?) Project A are up first and one of them don't arf look like a cross between Frankie Saturday and that bird what quit Big Bro 10 this year to be a mum again. They do 4 Non Blondes. I wish they hadn't. Next are Kandy Rain who apparently used to be strippers. Never hurt the Pussyflap Trolls. They do a nice-ish cover of Paparazzi - the high notes are weak and tremulous though. Unimpressed so far. The duo DeTour are next and the best thing about their performance is being able to pull over the shorts and braces look. Their vocals range from weak to pleasant. Nothing amazing at all so far to see here, move along please...
• Ah, it's Harmony Hood. They are back despite not being good enough the first time the decision was made. One of them has at least made an effort and borrowed Diana Ross's hair from Chain Reaction. Again, some elements of the song are poor, some quite nice, none outstanding. Sigh. Miss Frank are bound to get through because the judges put them together and will need to feel smug. The middle girl looks like she is having a poo during the verses of Respect, but it comes together quite nicely in the chorus. Or perhaps it seems better than it is because everyone else (groupwise) has been ever so disappointing so far. Where are the JLS? The Same Diff?!
• And finally are TTFH. They have split the panel apparently (Louis wishes, chortle, etc.) They would look a lot better without the hair gelled up. But here's their chance for their previously unimpressive vocals to shine. They don't. Even they admit it's bad - dildos. They cry - this is helpful and directed in the script of the show because they showed their "none evil side". This is evil at it's most insiduous. I kind of think it would actually be fascinating if they got through...

SIMON, SINITTA & THE OVER 25s:

• Clearly saving the best for last, it's over to Simon! Ollie Essex Boy does A Song For You. Sadly it's not the Whitney Houston disco fest (which btw Elouise would probably sound absolutely amazing singing), but it's a good performance and quite nice, unlike Ollie's shirt. I can't bear the spelling of Treyc's name (I want to pronounce it so it rhymes with Shrek) but her vocal is one of the best of the night, which probably means she won't go through for some blithering reason or the other. Oh! And here is One True Voice! He's good but not great and as only one previous contestant can go through in the script, it's either him or Rikki! If I were Daniel, it's not time I would be praying for (ho ho)...
• Nicole reminds us again that her dad is no longer with us (Darren asks if he is on holiday!) - I know this is all the producers fault (as is the scripted nature of the show and all the other irritations rather than the contestants & judges) but JESUS it's annoying. Actually poor Nicole annoys me for no reason at all and I think she might work for my company! It's all irrational but I just can't watch her! Next! Oh it's Danyl (more crappy spelling). There's no denying his voice is good when he sings Falling (once he finds the note!) but his performance reeks of desperation. I can't help but like him though! "Little bit over the top" says Simon in the show's most obvious statement ever. Finally it's Afro. He does my head in - probably because I want a pop star rather than a rock singer. He sings Oasis and his 'trademark' scarf in his back pocket looks ridick. His vocal is quite restrained and nice so pop snobbery aside, I can see why he'd go through and he'd probably be quite interesting for people to watch.

DANNII, KYLIE & THE GIRLS!

• Yay! It's Kylie and Dannii! They rock the very most. As does lovely down to earth Stacey who does an absolutely flawless rendition of Somewhere Over The Rainbow. Gorgeous. Love her. Then another Stacey sings and says she doesn't want to go back to her nine to five job (but then adds that she still loves her colleagues, wisely covering all her bases) - she does Britney's Sometimes. This is not a song designed to show off your vocal ability. Rachel sings a song I don't know but her voice sounds warm and inviting and heavenly. She must go through.
• Despina sounds like a Stars In Your Eyes version of Christina Aguilera. I really have nothing else to say because Lucie is up who is my joint favourite with Stacey. She does an outstanding version of Anything For You. Controlled, yet emotive and pitch perfect. Amazing. Finally is Nicole who is all tearful and is wearing a Wonderwoman truth lasso for a belt. It does her no good as she forgets the words (that must just be awful :/) and cries just before she sings "they always start to cry". How ironic.
• Dannii actually has the strongest category this year and absolutely must choose Stacey Rainbow song, Lucie and Rachel.

My top picks: Stacey, Lucie, Joe, Lloyd, Danyl, maybe Ollie.
Ones to watch out of sheer horror/interest respectively: TTFH, Afro.

Updated tonight with the final 12!