Lopez Blogs

EDIT: Results in the comments (Sun night) to keep it spoiler free! :)

It seems a bit churlish writing about such frivolous stuff after hearing that Stephen Gately died, so i'll precursor with this: Boyzone were a constant soundtrack of mine in the late 90s, and whatever happens after we die, I hope Stephen finds a new beginning that brings him peace and serenity :(

LIVE SHOW ONE:

Harry Hill's TV Burp was good wasn't it? Thanks heavens he is back. But in the usual ITV slap in the face for him, your Saturday night will actually start when the X Factor starts. I don't know what the period of time before the show starts is called. It feels like Saturday night but clearly I am wrong. Oh dear. Anyway, it's time to face the music!!

Oh wait. I was wrong. This is the trouble with typing this up "live" (as it were). It's not just Saturday night that starts here. It is the entire weekend. Thank you for re-writing the rules of time and dates Dermot O'Leary. The theme this week is musical heroes. About 3 people in the audience whoop, which doesn't not bode well. Robbie and Alexandra aren't on until tomorrow night (boooo) but at least Robbie deservedly gets a far bigger cheer! And shockingly it's straight into the music (and by God, Dannii looks amazing)...
(Note: this is all typed as I watch the show except edits in italics)

RACHEL:
Always now known as the girl who fell over, she nearly pisses herself when Robbie walks in. How mortifying that would have been, but at least taken the heat away from her pratfall. Dressed in an Alexis Carrington shoulder pad heavy top she does a decent version of Let Me Entertain You. Louis shakes his head and her performance is marred by poor sound and too much going on stage. Louis then praises her (the head shakey must have been unrelated). Simon invents a new word - "misunderestimated". I'm still trying to get my head around what this means when he basically tells her that her make up gun is set on whore. This is a bit harsh. I would have said drag queen. 7/10

KANDY RAIN:
Louis says that this performance is for all the boys at home. (Edit: this won't be the first vaguely homophobic comment of the night) Way to ignore a large part of your audience you knob. The Pussycat Dolls play in the background because basically they are a cheap karaoke version of this act. Oh dear god, they are dressed quite provactively and doing Addicted To Love. Yes because that will change people's opinions of them. It is not good and quite painful in parts. Jesus, one even has "cat's ears" hair! Cheryl and Dannii basically agree with me and get booed. So in essence I have booed. It does not feel nice. Simon points out (accurately) that both girls (and I assume in essence me, since I agree) have worn less in the past (true) and Cheryl gets all pissy about this. The vein in her wrist tattoo is throbbing big time. 4/10

OLLY:
Olly better not sing Angels. It's far too much of a cliche. Oh thank god, it's She's The One and someone shouts that he's sexy. I'm unconvinced by this as his trousers are doing some weird bunched up thing. He looks positively terrified and his vocals suffer somewhat as a result, particularly the high notes. He pulls it all together at the end and he's oddly cheeky chappy likeable. Louis gets in the first "you are what the show is all about/you made that song your own" (he didn't) cliche. Simon basically sums it up with a (paraphrasing here people) "you have charm despite the fact it was crap at the start" statement. 6/10

RICKY:
I'm very unsure about Ricky. I don't really like him, but I'm ready to be won over if necessary. Simon points out that he has cried more than he has sung which amuses me no end partially because it's true and partially because that is what this show is all about. He sings Back To Black and Louis looks like he is sucking on a wasp. That has been pissed on by a goat. And eaten by a bulldog and shit out again. This is probably because it's not as awful as it could have been but not as good either. Simon slates him which makes the already pissy Cheryl look like she's been passed Louis' wasp to gnaw on. Oh dear 6/10

STACEY:
She is basically the most amazing person ever and waffles at Robbie about how unreal it is meeting him in a total fangirl way. This is exactly what I was like with Same Difference so "bless". She does a lovely acoustic version of Coldplay. It's effortlessly good, but when she's really into it, it's ever so good. She's literally shaking holding the mic at the end but holds it together well. All very good comments and she's the star of the show. "My marf's so dry"! Brilliant. 8.5/10

MISS FRANK:
They come on doing an MJ song which isn't as daring as it could've been because En Vogue have obviously worked out all the harmonies for them. That's not to take away from their performance because it is actually quite polished. But, ugh - the middle one whose name I cannot be bothered to learn (it's Graziella) annoys me no end so it puts me off the group over all. She tries to hard to be the star. Simon likes them, disagrees with Cheryl which puts that pissy look back on her face and quite rightly calls the other two "bookends". Yes people, your weekend starts right here. 7/10

AFRO:
Please please please don't wear the scarf in the back pocket. Robbie looks uncomfortable with the intensity of the hug from Jamie - it's very full on and head nestled into shoulder. Get a room, etc! Oh grife, there's the scarf. I can't even watch now, it's so affected and annoying. Yes, and that is just the fact that the scarf is there. I am amused to see Cheryl trying to look like she is enjoying herself when clearly she's furious, ho ho. It's a cliched song choice (T:Rex - Get It On) but it's only week one and he'll probably need to be more creative in the future to show he's not a one trick pony. Dannii calls Louis Miss Walsh for the second time. Ooo, get her! Simon tells Louis that if it were up to him he would have Jamie in a blazer singing Father & Son. Chortle and ooo, get him. 6.5/10

LLOYD:
Lloyd wants to give the performance of his life. This probably isn't that hard when you haven't done anything like this before and are 16. He comes on a little tentatively singing Cry Me A River and looks like he is desperately trying to remember what he's meant to be doing. There are a couple of hilarious moments when the female dancers try to interact with him - it's meant to come across as "get away, you broke my heart (bitch)". What happens is more "don't touch me, you'll put me off!" I actually like Lloyd, but it's not a patch on this performance of the song. Simon makes me laugh by saying the song choice made Lloyd young and relevant. I didn't know picking a song that is 7 years old could do that! Amazing. 5.5/10

LUCIE:
"I love Lucie." Once again Dannii is in top form (edit: this view will be quite important later). It's nice that someone is singing a song from someone who used to actually be in the show (Leona Lewis - Footprints). This does not happen enough. Would it have killed Lloyd to sing Breathless or Danyl do Your Game? Someone shouts "loooo-seeee" and I have to rewind to check they haven't shouted loser (they haven't). It's a lovely pure performance and who can resist a wind machine and a key change? Not me, that's for sure!! 8.5/10

JOHN AND EDWARD:
Oh sweet and sour Jesus. Louis compares them to Boyzone (edit: this view will be quite tragic later :/ ) They talk about not being cocky while one of them nods cockily. There are mentions of the press hating them - i mean, let's put it in perspective. Yes they are annoying little twonks but they aren't Hitler or anything. Anyway, they are lowered onto the stage by wires singing Rock DJ - the whole stage is theatrical, camp and grossly OTT. Yes it's the Brian Friedman throws it all in there stage direction that he used for Same Difference and Scott Bruton. And which I love. It's actually quite dreadful this time round but (God help me and don't hate me) I am finding it a bit quirky and fun in a grotesque sort of way. What's wrong with me?!?! Brilliantly (following Simon's earlier comment) they are in blazers. I'm unsure of what's happening to me, so I'll give a middling 5/10!

JOE:
They play Cheryl's Fight For This Love in the background - I'm assuming it's because they are from the same neck of the words and therefore ARE THE SAME! Based on Cheryl's behaviour tonight, this is not a good thing at all (or ever). He sings a nice stripped back version of No Regrets and sounds like a young George Michael. His outfit is bloody awful - worse than that double layered shirt thing he wore the other week. Nice song performance though - I suspect, however, that his humble puppy dog look will get old very quickly. 8/10

DANYL:
Danyl says with absolutely no excitement whatsoever that he is excited to be in the competition. Cheryl says a man singing a woman's song is absolutely ridiculous. This is the most ridiculous thing i've ever heard and I'm pretty sure is vaguely offensive and homophobic. He sings I'm Telling You I'm Not Going and manages to go a full 30 seconds without going into his theatricals. (Ku Bar will do that for you!) It's actually quite wonderful, restrained (for him) and lovely. he stuns with his final note. And then the Dannii controversy happens - which isn't a controversy at all. She basically says that he didn't need to change the gender reference at all and it goes down like a lead balloon. Which it would, because the X Factor doesn't like to address things like sexuality because it's a bit edgy and this is your weekend starting and you shouldn't have to deal with things like that. It's not a homophobic comment at all (frankly worse things are happening on the other side) and Cheryl's statement about boys not singing girls songs is far more insiduous and offensive. 8.5/10

• TOP THREE OF THE NIGHT: Stacey, Lucie, Danyl (runner up: Joe)
• BOTTOM TWO OF THE NIGHT: John & Edward; Kandy Rain
• VILLAIN OF THE NIGHT: Cheryl Cole - who pissed in her cornflakes? (It was popjustice wasn't it?!)
• A REAL X FACTOR PERFORMANCE: Darin's Viva La Vida from Swedish Idol (See below)!

No X factor write up next week, I'll be in Gran Canaria. Try not to cry!