Lopez Blogs

• To be honest, the first day of the holiday (the "travel" day) passed in a feverish blur. I quickly developed some evil strain of bug on Friday night, which meant that by the time I got on the plane (to a middle seat! The world is so cruel sometimes) I was shivering, sweaty, phleghmy, coughing, sniffing... Oh. I should probably stop. I am no doubt turning you on with my alluring description :)


• Try as I might, I couldn't sleep on the plane (I am snobby and think that economy airline staff will rob my wallet if I doze - unless you are reading this and work on one, then you are of course the most lovely exception to that rule) so managed to read the whole of the latest Diary of a Chav series. A couple of laugh out loud moments had me coughing up a lung, much to the distaste of the woman on my right. It's not like I didn't cover my mouth!! (Though I suspect that glistening thing on her cheek was a bit of my errant spittle, so fair "dos" I suppose)...


• I honestly didn't know that CHAV stood for Council House and Violent. Lumme!


• After a lo-ooo-o-ng debacle over the car hire vehicle (which I was far too tired and irritable to deal with - leading to the most mortifyingly laughable statement to ever pass my lips "Listen ugly betty, don't think i won't call your superior because I will, cough cough, hack hack, etc". God I'm an arse sometimes. Hideous), we arrived at our gorgeous little holiday bungalow with lovely patio and pool and only two mins from the sea. Lush. Only downside? 2 single beds :( More on that later....


• Mr Pants dosed me up with medicine and put me to (single) bed, where I slept all afternoon. The little prince even went and got me ice cream for when I woke up. I married good, people :P


• Felt much better by Sunday morning, so we went for a walk through the Maspalomas sand dunes, which lead to the beach. Absolutely gorgeous- sand for miles. Clear blue skies. Weird and wonderful plants. The distant sound of the ocean. and if you get slightly off the recommended route as Darren and I ACCIDENTALLY did, you see the more salubrious activities that the dunes are famous for - a gay dogging area :O And I ain't talking Crufts. These were pure mongrels. (oxymoron?) Walking past a bush to find an old naked Spanish gentleman having a widdle who then says "you like that I should peeeese on you?" is not my idea of a heavenly getaway. Neither is stumbling - ALMOST LITERALLY - across a forty year old fatty bouncing on some frankly terrified looking twink instructing him to "tug on my tits you lazy c***!!" :O :O :O x one million. SWEET BLOSSOM RUSSO!


• I think because I was still goofy on medication, and Darren hasn't had a drunk since his op, we got very drunk on very few drinks on Sunday night. We went to some cabaret bar and I got hammered after 2 Schmirnof Ice (v. Diary of a Chav) This did not bode well for when I got dragged on stage to copy the professional dancer. Still I am quite proud of how high I jumped when copying his mid-air splits manouevre. Though my crotch was a bit achey.


• On the single beds? Thanks to portion control, wii fit, me being within my ideal BMI and Darren being v buff indeed, they didn't pose a problem. We are both surprisingly limber and bendy. Overshare?


• I'm not one to lie by the pool or bake on the beach (I have an irrational fear of getting any sort of cancer again so slather myself in factor 50), but don't mind curling under a tree or in the shade of the bungalow patio while Darren catches some "rays". This is how I ploughed through Stephanie Myer's Eclipse by Tuesday morning. It was MUCH better than New Moon - except for the preachy part about waiting until marriage for nookie. I'd have to check but i'm pretty sure she lifted that word for word from "Mormon Doctrine".


• A trip to the water park was fun and despite the glorious weather, it was very quiet indeed. Busy enough though that one could see where people had missed putting suntan lotion on their bodies - weird red patches decorating their sides and backs like angry tattoos. Anyway it was a proper good time - though the vertical slide gave me an atomic wedgie reawakening my achey crotch. My trunks were nearly nipple high by the time I reached the bottom six seconds later. Owsers.


• Seeing as I finished my book, I caught up on tv shows on the Archos. Bro and Sis is fast becoming my very fave OTT soapy drama (loving Ryan), though Grey's Anatomy is slowly digging itself out of the crappola hole that mired the first half of this season. It had two GREAT lines this week that were all in the delivery:
  - (Meredith on the news of Christina's solo surgery) "Congratulations. I know I should sound more excited for you, but I'm not that big a person"
  - (Christina to Izzy after the latter hears the interns call a patient 'blowhole' and wondering if her condition means she will be 'scrambled cheese brain') "No. Scrambled cheese brain is too long. Blowhole is pithy" Amazing :)


• Another night out, another visit to the cabaret bars and clubs. Let's talk bathrooms for a moment. (Obviously not what goes on in them because that would be distasteful - especially in the slutty Yumbo centre where - let us not forget - Sean Same Diff infamously declared he once had sex. Yikes) Apparently at Sparkles Showbar, men are only allowed to tinkle. Urinals, but no stalls! Plus the urinals are so close together, i had to check on more than one occasion that I was holding my own todger. I was. And! If you are at the far urinal, which I was once, when the bathroom door opens everyone gets a birdseye view of what you are up to! Good gravy.


• And at aces musicals bar Centre Stage (possibly the only place in the world where really tough looking dudes scream in delight when The Lonely Goatherd or America appear on the video screen) there is no lock on the one person at a time bathroom. I am now an expert at, uh, holding and aiming with one hand, and pushing the door shut with the other. It has really improved my yoga skills.


• The none-dunes seafront walk is really quite lovely. Sea and sand on one side and bountiful flowers on the other. It's quite the hike too. No wonder I had lost another 3lbs by the time I had gotten home to England! Darren and I were walking along, chatting quite merrily when he felt this hand tap him on the shoulder. Even though there was plenty of room on the promenade, this feisty old German woman moved him out the way, pointing her finger in his face as she moved past. Quite bizarre. Nearly as funny as when some gypsies grabbed his hands, wrapped twine around his fingers and tried to force him to buy lucky heather! He only got away by bending the woman's fingers back and running from the loony leprachauns :P


• Ah, there is nowt so queer as folk. Walking down to the Yumbo one night, we were behind this charming old couple holding hands and chatting. How sweet I thought until I was transfixed with horror as a wet patch began to creep up the ladies rear crotch and spread up her bottom. She didn't even skip a beat, though both her and her husband fingered the wet patch, smelt it and obviously decided it wasn't worth going home for. Meanwhile Darren and I tittered like immature school girls behind them!


• Good Lord! I mean, what exactly do you do when the drunken owner of a bar takes a bit of a shine to you, unbuttons his shirt and starts suggestively pulling on chains attached to nipple clamps with a look on his face that says "Look. It's my nipples. For you. Have a go. Ooo. I don't think you know what pain is. I'm not going to hurt you. Just close your eyes. Etc" (Wow a look can say a lot). My feet have never been so fascinating. Darren laughed like a drain.


• After 10 games of Mario Party on DS this holiday, I won exactly two. And that was pure luck. I have no skill at these sort of things, which is surprising considering how dexterous and responsive my fingers are on a piano keyboard. Plus after that many losses, my external gracious loser face was replaced by an outward showing of my internal rage and impotence. Good sportsmanship be damned! I was miffed :(

THE END :) (btw do not click on the photos for big versions. I have red eyes in all of them and look demonic!)