Lopez Blogs

It is so much better watching the X Factor when it has been paused for 30 minutes, to skip the adverts that pay for the show and still allow time to perv over Dermot 2010! Although it is unwise to go on twitter during the paused time as it is just one long strangely incoherent spoiler e.g. "oooo she's bad". Who is bad?! What are you talking about?! I bet I still catch up though. Now how long until Louis tells someone they have the likeability factor?!?! (Last week on Xtra Factor some Irish kid sang Don't Stop Believing. In a mediocre way. The judges thought he was likeable so put him through! IN A SINGING CONTEST. They even admitted he couldn't sing. INSANITY)...

• Twins ~ "Back in London". Hmmm. If the production team really do cris cross the country in this haphazard fashion, then they should be ashamed of their carbon footprint. But they don't. Louis wants a new pair of twins a la Jedward. Cue lots of dreadful twins that Louis unsurprisingly loves. One set, "Twem", are from Paris and have a group name that sounds like medication for vaginal thrush. They are not very good at all. Apparently the UK is hot and spicy. Um, ok. Their version of Just Dance, however, isn't. Though to be fair, they are vocally on par with G'Gah so what do I know. God, they get a lot of screen time. Cheryl says they are infectious. She should apply some Twem for that...
• Storm Lee ~ his name reminds me of that episode of Friends where Phoebe meets Mike's girlfriend and she is called Precious. It's a ridiculous name and almost as affected as his quasi-pseudo american accent. He chooses a Sting song to sing, to show Sting that real artists can come from the X Factor. Which really is just a back handed kick in the knickers to all the X Factor artists before him isn't it? Oh god, SECOND SONG ALERT! "Lee" as Simon calls him sings I Still Haven't Found What I'm Looking For to an adequate but not outstanding standard. I'm not blown away. Script says that he must go through however, so through he goes!
• Montage ~ several quite good people audition and don't get nearly enough screen time. During these impressive vignettes, I pontificate on the judges categories - I'd quite like Dannii to have groups, Louis to have boys, Simon the girls and Cheryl the over 25s. I think I will positively weep if Cheryl gets the groups :(
• Liam (above) ~ ooo, we're in my home town of Birmingham. Liam (from 2008) is back! Dermot gives his shoulders a good squeeze the lucky little tyke. I love that everyone pretends to absolutely remember him and not admit they have pages of production notes in front of them. Brilliant. His "flashback" reminds me of how enraging it is when the judges say "oh you are not old enough yet". Well don't let young people audition then, you goons. Sheesh. Grrr. My rage is disappated by his stunning version of Cry Me A River - a vocal as dramatic as the backing track. (Random fact - he looks a little bit like Nick Alien Hits). Love it. Love him. Love guest judge Natalie Imbruglia. Love more hugs from Dermot. First person going through who I can see on the stage on finale night.

• Montage 2 ~ Patty does an awful version of For Your Eyes Only. I really don't remember Sheena singing "you can see so mush in me". She does seem lovely though. Likeability factor! But clearly not enough to get through. Chad wants to the Michael Buble of Birmingham. God help us all. He sings badly from a crib sheet. Apparently he didn't have time to learn the lyrics because he had the sniffles. "Bless". The High St Boys are a more awful version of Jedward but without the hair, the styling, the dance moves or anything that makes Jedward somewhat bearable. Scott has performed at 2 family funerals. It's a casserole of cacophony!!
• Cher (above) ~ after all the awfulness, "surprisingly" there is a good act (X FACTOR CLICHE!) She has bought her family with her (X FACTOR CLICHE!) She does some song called Turn My Swag On (no idea - i'm so out of touch with the UK brap brap grime scene!) and frankly I'm so stunned that it's not your usual x-factor standard that I miss half the performance picking up my jaw from the floor. Love it. Love her. Second person I can see on the stage on finale night. Now we are starting to have a competition!
• The Slap (below) ~ Excitement! The infamous slap has been previewed for weeks now (well, two) and it's finally here! I'm so happy right now! It's two girls and they are clearly a bit weird from the offset - one of them finds Louis Walsh fit. Gerontaphilia alert!! (See yesterday's Gravitonas interview!) The audience boo their incessant Vicky Pollard-esque banter and one of them shouts for the audience to shut up. Rudeness! The other one walks off! TV GOLD! They are "singing" Shayne Ward's That's My Goal (new Shayne single - 28th November! Aceness!) and it's all sorts of ghastly. One give it some welly, both are hideously out of time, surely this must be a joke?! When the judges give their rightly negative feedback, one says to Natalie Imbruglia "who are you?"! Rudeness part two! Although considering how Nat's record label has treated her latest album, it's not an entirely unfair statement... The other one punches her in the face (her friend, not Natalie. Can you imagine though?! Highest ratings ever!) and storms off again! Cheryl looks shocked at the violence (insert own joke here)! BEST. AUDITION. EVER.
• NEXT WEEK: "Oh don't be tight, this is my life" and Cheryl collapses. Brill!