Lopez Blogs

Quite rightly, the voice over man/scary on screen graphics remind us that X-Factor alumni are dominating the charts right now. Alexandra Burke. Olly Murs. No Diana Vickers though. After the disappointing position of The Boy Who Murdered Love, it's onto "new single and album rerelease" for her. Bummer. Ugh, Pixie Lott is this week's guest judge. I still haven't forgiven her for slapping some fella as a resolution to an argument in the hand clapping bits of Mama Said. Ghastly.

• Kash - naming yourself after money is not good. Unless you are 50c. And even then it's a bit of a stretch. He is a sales manager for T-mobile. I am already on the phone cancelling my contract. He thinks he is high style but he is actually off the rack at River Island. Pixie has practically creamed her knickers. "Let's make some music" says Kash (you can pinpoint the moment Pixie thinks "let's make some babies"!) before dancing and singing. Badly. His friend's mortified faces mirror that of a disinterested nation. Dermot (looking fine again) has brilliant poker face though throughout. It's four deserved nos. Then more dreadful acts follow but none so deludedly self assured as Kash...
• Tom Richards (above) - God. Kids (Tom is 16) are so much more fashionable (or at least aware of fashion) than I was at that age/am now. He has a ridiculous amount of family with him. I often think this is all well and good if you get through but just increases the agony and shame if it is a no. Good lord, I've written all that and they are still building him up. His dad says he would rather be singing than on street corners with the boys. Hmmmm! He sings a Script song and it's pleasant in a boyband sort of way. Though not (of course) as good as Liam Payne last week. Oh, he moves around like a greatest hits of previous X Factor auditionees (Olly, Danyl, etc)... Louis asks for another song and Simon tells him to be relevant (which is a bit ironic coming from Simon Cowell). He isn't - he sings This Is The Moment and Simon is probably thinking "winner's song!!" (as it's not that different to No Boundaries to be honest) but has to save face by hating it. Oh. Now Louis is creaming HIS knickers. God, the dry cleaning bill for this show will be huge. Pixie has the casting vote and says no, despite huge pressure from the crowd. I slightly respect her now. Oh - she's crumbled and says yes. Back to being ghastly... (and that's it for Cardiff and Pixie)...
• *"Back" to London*
• Bun 'n Cheese - 3 girls named after a food they love. Oh my. They have done "10-12 gigs, mostly karaoke"! That is not a gig, that's three girls getting drunk on a Saturday night. Blimey, if karaoke was a gig, i'd have done loads by now and my first single would be a cover of Shoop by Salt n Pepa! And if I was named after some food I ate every day, I'd be launching my pop career as "bowl of cornflakes". Brilliant. They essentially don't sing, but have a conversation about who should be singing what and generally look a bit confused. AND THEY DON'T GET BOOED! Amazing. "We're a really good group" one whines when faced with a no. Sweet Christ, a nation gasps (mainly at the nipple slippage at the end of the clip)!
• Nikalo (below) - I like people whose names rhyme with musical instruments because it happens so rarely. Apparently he can't tell the difference between Lady Gaga, Madonna and Miley Cyrus. Oh. Dear. God. He wants to show the judges how big his X Factor can be, which sounds a bit rapey to be honest. But by god, he is very serious and as dull as dishwater in the talking bits. He sings A Song For You and his neck vein gets incredibly throbby, like Deidre Rachid Barlow. His pits are quite sweaty too but i think that's forgiveable considering the circumstances (though there's always Driclor). He is actually ok. I think I might like him a bit. It works for him - his intense seriousness and confidence. And his saluting - I do that all the time :/
• FYD - oooo it's Jazz who used to dance at the Gale on a Saturday night round the corner from me! He's done lots of reality dance/pop shows and now he is in a boy band! Determination! In the 10 seconds or so the band get of air time, they do some decent dancing, but the 2 seconds of vocals seem off. Perhaps the rest was good, because they are through! More clips follow with lots getting through with shockingly short air time!
• Paije - I love people named after something you turn in a book :) He's going to sing Fly Me To The Moon. RELEVANCE Simon! Cheryl decides before he sings that he is going to be good. He is only ok, which just shows how much Cheryl knows (the two time winner. Grrr! :P) He descends into some scat which can be quite bad depending on your interpretation of the word. The audience seem to love him though so I do quite enjoy Cheryl getting booed when she says actually he wasn't that great. I'm a complex guy like that! It's no and no from Cheryl and Simon, with only Louis saying yes. The Lou-ster tries to get them to change their minds and Paije does the slowest walk off stage ever. They don't but Louis invites him back to sing something more contemporary...
• Paije Part 2 - Lordy, so much time spent on an average singer. We've only really had 5 full audition clips this week! The scriptwriters have really gone to town on this week's storyline. He decides to be relevant by singing Man's World by James Brown. How avant garde. How genre shattering. How post modern. He does sing better this time around but it's still not great. His literal dance interpretation of the lyrics "heavy load" are shockingly mortifying. The script says that Cheryl and Simon will now love him. They do. I'm unconvinced. And annoyed he got so much time. Grrr