Lopez Blogs

Despite all my love for the X-Factor, a double bill (saturday AND sunday) of auditions kind of fills me with dread. Still, once this bit is over, its boot camp, judges houses and then - hurrah! - the live shows! So much drama and excitement - and that's just finding out which pop star is hawking their latest single with a performance in the results show. I'm thinking X-factor nepotism will apply for Joe, Shayne, JLS and Cheryl. With any luck they will also have Annie Lennox and Mariah doing songs from their Christmas albums near Christmas. Obviously, a bitter Nadine will defect to the BBC's Strictly Come Dancing (as have Robbie & Gary who perform on that show on Oct. 2nd. Simon must be fuming)... So until then, let's have the final auditions of this year. It may never be the same again once it's airing the same time as the US version :/

• Rachel ~ we're in Manchester! With Nicole PussycatDoll! And first up is a nervous singer. Voiceoverman states that no one has bigger ambition than her. This is an X-factor platitude! And crops up a lot. No one wants it more, someone has come farther than most, etc. As none of these statements are very likely to be true, they are ultimately meaningless. The fact that she is a very youthful 44 is far more impressive than her screechy vocals. "Yeah, I need more practice, innit" says Rachel. Nicole, btw, is ace - sign her up for the US version now :) (More bad auditions follow because it is an X-FACTOR CLICHE that one bad audition spawns many more. Just as one yes to bootcamp opens the floodgates for everyone else. Just you wait and see)...
• Aiden ~ incredibly there has already been one commercial. Aiden has sung Beauty School Drop Out from Grease at school. Oh purlease. I've sung The Lonely Goatherd in junior school and was beloved for days, but you don't see me auditioning :P I like his hair and also the fact that he is doing Gold Digger by EvilKanyeWest (until I realise he probably first heard it in Glee). Anyhoo, he's not bad and quite engaging in a William of Young sort of way. He sings acapella which makes me miss the sweet early years with no audience or backing track. "I think you're brilliant" swoons Louis. "Thank you. You too" sighs a breathless Aiden. It's a lovely get a room moment that is ruined by a flash of his sister's enormous camel toe. Hideous. (More people get a yes after. How shocking. Viva the HooHas though!)
• Montage of clips ~ I've just sat through some Sharon Osbourne (boo hiss, etc) lookalike granny singing a not very brilliant but not entirely awful version of Simply The Best. She practically spaffed the energy from her quim at Louis. Lovely :/ Too much time on her. It's a montage from the wall of weird. Savannah apparently does bell ringing in her spare time, but not her eyebrows. Her singing is atrocious. Some witch with long white hair does not cast a spell over the judges with her vocal inability. Though she does sound uncannily like Enya! Nicole basically continues to be amazing.

• Yuli ~ Yuli is feeling incredible. She couldn't be arsed to do the dutch X Factor where she could have met whatsit from Infernal, so she's come to England instead. I'm paraphrasing of course. She sings Fool In Love like Ally McBeal's feisty roommate would do at that improbable bar they frequented nightly. If was very bouyant and fun. Oooo she could be the new Caro Emerald!! The yes for Julie prompts a run of success for other contestants! WHO WOULD HAVE THOUGHT IT?!?!?! (I do quite like Connor and Gabrielle - they could be the new Journey South!)
• Chloe ~ Oh no(ee), Chloe. Ghastly. She gets a Ke$ha soundtrack straightaway. She has really heavy looking eyelashes like she would have to tilt her head back to open them - like a tiny tears doll. She also talks faster than any Gilmore Girl and looks like she would be in the avoid part of Snog, Marry, Avoid. She shouts Summertime in some weird sort of street way. Simon then asks her to sing something else, but she claims she doesn't have anything else to sing. She only knows one song in the entire world?! Oh, she decides to sing Shakira and amazingly for someone who doesn't have anything else to sing has the backing track ready! One can now see why she didn't sing with a backing track. She's cack, doesn't shut up and the audience boo her. "Don't be tight man, this is my life" she whines. Vile. The inspiring music suggests that Nicole & Simon will say yes where Louis has already said no. I'm right. She's through. HIDEOUS.
• Rebecca ~ Oh, she's dressed like a modern day Audrey Hepburn. I'm always won over by proper glamour, not the fake tan and titties like No-ee. Ooo, she's crying over her tragic life - this is TV GOLD for producers. The poor thing looks petrified (bless her, etc) as she does a lovely, poignant version of A Change Is Going To Come. And lovely becomes outstanding as she imbues her voice with a fragility, passion and wisdom that meets the emotional depth of the song. Glorious. One of my faves to date along with Cher and Liam.