Now, I must warn you that some sentences of this vegas report may lead you to believe that we didn't have a good time or that I don't particularly like The Vegas. On the contrary - I bloody love the gaudy shit hole and can't wait to go back again despite it's little annoyances...
Dear Lord, that must be the most overused shot of Vegas ever. Darren thinks he looks a little simple here. I decline to comment. But as you approach the glittering lights of the sin strip, you realise that, actually, Vegas is an epileptic fit just waiting to happen. It's not just the flashing advertisements, or the constant buzz of neon lights - it's the continual overload of the senses that threatens to consume your soul. Plus it's totally fucking exhausting - all that shiny stimulation! New York may be the city that never sleeps but Las Vegas doesn't even nap! It's cheap, tacky and yet at the same time utterly marvelous. Here are some highlights from the trip, interspersed with random photos that will probably not relate to the text at all!
~ Whenever I go to Vegas I get called a "fag" or "homo". Some guy pointed at me on the street and said it this time. Never happens anywhere else in the world to me :( I guess Vegas attracts all the redneck intolerant morons from across the world. BTW and FYI it's not a good idea to shout "yeah, so? Do you want a medal you fat c**t" before running away as that will probably only inflame the situation!
~ Neither Darren or I managed to quite get into the proper timezone. We arrived at 1.30pm on the Saturday (8 hours behind British time. Oooo it's like travelling into the past. Very Dr Who. Though i doubt the Tardis takes 11 fucking hours!) and tried to stay up as long as possible but it didn't work. We were asleep (no nookie) by 7.30pm - which of course meant we were awake at 3.30am! Yikes...
~ Gambling on the 5 cent video poker machines at 3.30am is quite good fun though. While neither of us made a fortune, we definitely came out of the week better off than we went into it. Hurrah for 4 aces!
~ Darren looks quite good in a "beanie" - he could almost pass for an extra on Shameless (although not one that sleeps with his gay half brother. No sirree bob). Sadly when I went back to Urban Outfitters to purchase this very hat, it was gone. Boo you Urban whores.
~ The new Honey Latte from Starbucks (no sign of a PinkBerry in LV) is utterly delicious. As honey is a natural resource I was almost convinced that it was good for me, despite the fact that it was drizzled over whipped cream.
~ Not to worry though fat busters! The constant walking up and down the strip, and use of the hotel spa kept Darren and I as buff as ever (ie Darren v buff, me less podgy than I used to be ~ I could show you a photo now in front of Treasure Island where i have more chins than one of those daytime talk show guests who have to be cut out of their homes, but i will save you all)
~ Darren (as you can CLEARLY tell in this pic) was very excited about La Midler. I was less enthused but looking forward to some nice MOR warblings. What a surprise then that the whole thing was utterly over the top, theatrical, decadent, vaudevillian, cabaret, potty mouthed and entertaining. She may have started her career playing in bath houses to an audience of gays tossing each over to Boogie Woogie Bugle Boy, but she's come a long way since then. oh god, i'm now "into" her. I'm so old.
~ It's a shame we won't be seeing Cher there. Even the dullish posters made me want to go (FYI - I despise the song Believe. I just cannot take that bloody tune. I blame Buffy's demon roomie in Season Four). Darren and I were discussing who else could take up residency there for a while - initial thoughts ran from Tina Turner to Diana Ross to Madonna to MJ to Babs S. Who do you think could do an ace vegas show?
~ Not quite as brilliant but still a lot of fun was a live stage version of The Price Is Right. Exactly like the show but with crappier prizes. Neither Darren or I wanted to be called down, but then were all sorts of bitter when we weren't :P
~ Over the road from Bette and next door to the price is right is the Toni Braxton vegas show. We didn't go, but everytime we walked past it was a marvel to see Toni emblazoned across the hotel windows. I bet people had to pay extra for a room that had her crotch on the window. Hey! Sex sells.
~ Far too much shopping was undertaken. Guess had some very lovely clothes. Abercrombie had their usual predictable stuff but it was on sale, so really I was "saving" money by buying at a discount price! Hurrah. Plus obviously Darren had to get some Bette merchandise (and yes the bag did come home with us). And for those interested my double choc and peanut butter cheesecake from the cheesecake factory was both delicious and sickly.
~ We got our cheap rental car upgraded to a Chrysler Seabreeze (or something) and it was most luxurious. The radio even told you what songs were playing - most popular on the Vegas Hits2 Station were Miley Cyrus (See You Again), One Republic (apologise - they fucking should. If i never hear that song again it will be too soon), some dodgy rap song I was later reliably informed was FloRida (dear god) and of course Leona Lewis with her continually Bleeding Love. Surely she must need a transfusion by now?
~ Talking of music, there are no good music shops in Vegas anymore. Sure there are those that sell cds as well as other stuff but the virgins and tower records are gone. Most sad.
~ Oh! After a very exhausting day shopping, I got a phone call from a foxy sounding Mr D'Luv! I was shattered so probably came across as a right monotonous twat! Still it was lovely to chat to such a blogging superstar (52 comments on Leona and counting!) Boo PYMO for not calling :P
And then just like that, the whole week was over. So we spent our last few hours down at the stratosphere where the seesaw ride 864ft in the air continued to terrify us both, but not as much as the ridiculously turbulent flight home. And home I am! Going back to work today was like I had never even been away! Oh well. Only 11 weeks til Gran Canaria!
~ Whenever I go to Vegas I get called a "fag" or "homo". Some guy pointed at me on the street and said it this time. Never happens anywhere else in the world to me :( I guess Vegas attracts all the redneck intolerant morons from across the world. BTW and FYI it's not a good idea to shout "yeah, so? Do you want a medal you fat c**t" before running away as that will probably only inflame the situation!
~ Darren looks quite good in a "beanie" - he could almost pass for an extra on Shameless (although not one that sleeps with his gay half brother. No sirree bob). Sadly when I went back to Urban Outfitters to purchase this very hat, it was gone. Boo you Urban whores.
~ Darren (as you can CLEARLY tell in this pic) was very excited about La Midler. I was less enthused but looking forward to some nice MOR warblings. What a surprise then that the whole thing was utterly over the top, theatrical, decadent, vaudevillian, cabaret, potty mouthed and entertaining. She may have started her career playing in bath houses to an audience of gays tossing each over to Boogie Woogie Bugle Boy, but she's come a long way since then. oh god, i'm now "into" her. I'm so old.
~ Far too much shopping was undertaken. Guess had some very lovely clothes. Abercrombie had their usual predictable stuff but it was on sale, so really I was "saving" money by buying at a discount price! Hurrah. Plus obviously Darren had to get some Bette merchandise (and yes the bag did come home with us). And for those interested my double choc and peanut butter cheesecake from the cheesecake factory was both delicious and sickly.
And then just like that, the whole week was over. So we spent our last few hours down at the stratosphere where the seesaw ride 864ft in the air continued to terrify us both, but not as much as the ridiculously turbulent flight home. And home I am! Going back to work today was like I had never even been away! Oh well. Only 11 weeks til Gran Canaria!
