Lopez Blogs

Sweet Blossom Russo! I love the X-Factor so, but 2.5 hours (again) of it fills me with dread so I went to see Made In Dagenham again (VG, girl power, etc) and am making these notes aided by some potent booze in the wee hours of Sunday morning (great Maroon 5 song). Here is what is going on...

• STORM ~ Yes! Put it first to get the shit out the way. I think the theme is musical heroes this week which is about as focused as last week's number ones. Whatever next? Songs that have been sung week? Cheryl blathers on about Storm needing to just stand and sing a song, although you know that if he does he will get criticised for not moving around enough a la Stacey of last year. He's doing a half hearted Born To Run with a big phallic bike-rophone between his legs. I think FYD are his backing dancers! He doesn't even sound like a Bruce Springsteen karaoke. He sounds like a Brandon Flowers impersonator doing a Bruce Springsteen impersonator. Louis is all out smug when Dannii likes him. I think Louis is on the bottle this week. (PS - Cheryl's woodstained skin from last week has worked it's way into her hair)...
• TREYC ~ Ah, Trek. Her Pat Butcher earrings are as big as her voice. It's baby picture week in the VT which is always delightful - i can't wait to see Diva Fever! Cheryl has picked out Trek's song - this is a bit odd. Shouldn't Trek decide who her musical hero is? It's Purple Rain. A great song choice - indeed, it was when Dannii picked it for Ruth Lorenzo 2 years ago and Simon picked it for Danyl last year (and Sumera sang it on Dutch X Factor earlier this year). Was a bit dull to start with but the belting out bits were solid. I swear that a) she's shouting by the end and b) she's wearing one of the car seat covers stitched together by the underpaid ladies of Dagenham. (PS, i really can't get over Cheryl's hair. It's not a good advert for L'Oreal this week).
• PAIJE ~ I choose to believe that Dannii lets her acts discuss their musical heroes with her and the decision is based on that. I still don't get Paije. His vocal coach in the nicest possible way tells him to lose weight. He sings Alicia Keys. Sitting down. Which won't burn off many calories will it?! God he's dull. People cheer at some weird vocal tick he does in the second verse when really they should be nipping to the bar dor the double gin it takes just to get through this seemingly protracted song. His jacket is not as ghastly as last week but still quite hideous. Louis plays the likeability card, which is clearly wrong because I don't like him. Cheryl (aka Princess Fiona this week) criticises the song choice. AFTER SHE ROBBED PURPLE RAIN! Messy, messy little raindrops...
• ONE DIRECTION ~ God, we're getting the back story of each of them and I'm sent running back to the gin when Liam reveals he was five when Robbie's Let Me Entertain You came out. I'm so old. Poor Harry has got the trots. Or something. But the show must go on. They all joyfully launch into My Life Would Suck WIthout You. They look they are having a ball. There are a few bum solos (Zain mostly - i loved when Niall was all smiling next to him, keeps looking at him as if to say, "we're live! On the x-factor! Amazeballs" and Zain is too busy concentrating on delivering his bum note). Ultimately it's a rollicking good time. Louis criticises that Kelly Clarkson isn't a musical hero - oh Louis. The theme is irrelevant. It's got no cohesion or anything to do with anything. It's just about the judges picking whatever they like for the acts. Cheryl's hair fawns a little too much over the boys and Simon issues a restraining order. They are good but I wouldn't say they are one of the most exciting acts in the UK right now. It's only week 2!

• CHER(YL) ~ I can't work out whether Cher-yl will be fronting an anti-knife campaign or receive an asbo for carrying one. They are making her look well dodgy. I'm praying she doesn't sing a Cheryl Cole song and we have to endure Cheryl blushing at being a musical hero. Nope, it's worse. It's a faux-hop version of It's A Hard Knock Life. With rap. Not even the glorious Play version! So Annie is her musical hero? I'm uncertain about this (I know it's Jay-z btw) although there is a certain frisson of excitement seeing something this allegedly avant garde on the show. Louis says "swagger" which is as alarming as the look Cher-yl gives Dannii when she says she didn't get it. Lock your door Dannii, the flick knife is coming out of her boot!!
• JOHN ~ He might be too emotional to sing the whole song. I hope it's the disco version of A Song For You by Whitney that she did on her raspy last album. Oh John, your collar is in on one side, out on the other. It's all over the place in a fashion faux pas. It's all very nice but just as I wanted the disco bit to start, it finishes and I'm left wanting. The judges love it and I like John so I'm happy overall i guess. Louise says he came alive during the song. Was he dead before? ZOMBIE WEEK!!
• DIVA FEVER ~ Oh how I tittered when Craig turned Josef's laryingitis (boo you Mary! And boo you infectious Paije!) into a commentary on his skin. Zing, etc. Apparently Duck Sauce are huge musical heroes of Diva Fever as are Miami Vice judging by their outfits. Still, it's hugely bonkers insanity, lots of fun and I love the Louis Walsh shout out at the end. And they are performing a top 3 current song on the X Factor. That didn't even happen for Joe last week! Dannii of course loves the gays and loves Diva Fever for the very same reasons I do. Amazeballs.

• REBECCA ~ It's all about Rebecca putting her shoulders back while she belts out a bit of Nina Simone this week in a purple frock. I love the word frock. Her shoulders aren't very far back but she don't half look like an hour glass. What a figure! She does get more into it as the song progresses and it suits her very much. Was it me or did she stop quite abruptly at the end as if to say, oh I'm done?! Louis basically reads out my blog from last week. Get your own praise material mister sister! She's clearly the best act to come out of liverpool since Sonia! Cheryl's hair says it would go and buy her album tomorrow. I bet it wouldn't. It would send a minion out and then not even reimburse it on expenses...
• AIDEN ~ I hope he's not as constipated-intense as he was last week. He apparently sang Grease when he was in primary school - did Beauty School Drop Out. I think Grease is so inappropriate for schools - so Aiden at 11 sang "but no customer would go to you unless you were a hooker"?! Oh I'm getting off topic ever so slightly...He's doing Jealous Guy. Watching him is quite offputting. He's been styled in the most awful way again this week - it looks like everything is too big for him, like poor kidnapped Nathan on the front of TV Quick. Some of his notes are appallingly strained and his face shows it. Louis outright flirts with him and Aiden looks even more uncomfortable than when he was straining for the top notes. Amusingly Louis has some sort of hissy fit with Cheryl over bedroom walls? Bizarreness. I do love Aiden and I'm hoping his obvious talent carries him through to next week because he looks absolutely crushed. Sadness.
• WAGNER ~ Embrace the madness. I'm still recovering from the breast massaging of last week. Frankly I'm amazed that they had cameras when Wagner was born :P Louis still can't pronounce Vagner and is worried about his timing. I'd say that's the least of his worries. OH! I really like this song, and I really like 60s go-go dancers! OH! It has a fake dance slap in it, which i also really like since Kenickie did it to Cha Cha DiGegorious (the best dancer at St Bernadettes... with the worst reputation) in Grease (still not appropriate for schools). DAMN YOU BRIAN FRIEDMAN - this may all override the actual awfulness of the vocals. It was rubbish but so so entertaining. Oh and apparently he's doing Mary. Every little helps.
• KATIE ~ I wonder who Cheryl's hair has picked as Katie's musical hero this week. Louis has saved Katie in every way a woman can be saved (that may be from Titanic but you get the gist). She's dressed like my nan in the VT and she says Kylie is her musical hero, which is why Cheryl's hair has picked Etta James. Perfect sense. Her voice can be ever so enchanting when she wants it to be and she delivers a not bad performance by stripping back all the gimmicks. There is then lots of discussion about whether this is the real Katie or whether the dressed up Katie is real Katie. There is no real Katie. She is an alien from a distant civilisation sent to get some recon on British culture. What must they think of us?!

• BELLE AMIE ~ Simon still believes that "girl power" is a phrase to launch a girl group in 2010. Ooo that's out the window anyway, as they are all having a bitch over who gets to sing what line. I sense a bottom 3 performance coming on! Oh, so T-Rex is a long lasting and abiding musical hero? This is getting ridiculous. It's ok in a Girls Aloud b-side sort of way, which is one up from a Saturdays b-side. The blonde girl bleating over not singing enough is not very good anyway. And neither are the rest of them. I just think nothing so far by them has matched the brilliance of Faith. Dannii is right, btw. Their styling is atrocious. Cheryl goes on about how girl groups shouldn't concentrate on who sings what. She would know. Nadine did mostly everything, though to be fair she pulled a blinder by getting the most emotionally effective lines in The Promise when Ashley was being naughty. Simon says that there aren't many girl groups of this calibre in the UK. Well that's true. But there are better (Ultra Girls for the win!)...
• MARY ~ Mary's makeover reminds me of Julie Andrews in Victor Victoria when she was a woman being a man being a woman. Appearances aren't important to me though and I adore her :) And she's singing my much beloved Dusty... There's some drivel in the VT about Mary being too cabaret. Anyone who says Mary's stunning performance is cabaret is talking absolute shite. It's easily one of the performances of the night. So worth the clubcard points. Cheryl's hair respects her as a woman. That's big of her!!
• MATT ~ I do love Matt but sometimes he does look like he pongs of boyness in the morning. Actually, this is turning me on a bit now. He's scrubbed up incredibly well this week and looks rather spiffy. He does a splendiferous version of Bruno Mars (again, musical heroes theme proving entirely irrelevant). Marvelous. I do think Louis is drunk tonight, perhaps more drunk than I am...

My top 3 performances = Mary, Matt, Rebecca
My bottom 3 performances = Aiden (sadness), Storm, Paije

My X-Factor category:

I meant to do this last year! Pick 3 artists who I would mentor through the X-Factor and pick songs for them to sing each week. I'm indulging myself by having a mixed category with male, female and group. So each week, I'll pick the songs linked to the theme for Simon Curtis, Elouise and Princes & Rogues. Here is what I would have picked these past two weeks...

• Simon Curtis ~ La Roux-Bulletproof (number ones week); Savage Garden (Darren Hayes)-Affirmation (heroes)
• Elouise ~ a big old ballad arrangement of The Wanted-All Time Low (number ones week); The Carpenters-Only Yesterday (heroes)
• Princes & Rogues ~ Cee-Lo-Forget You (number ones week); Beyonce-Single Ladies (heroes)

Leave all your thoughts in the comments and i'll see you back here tonight for the results!