Lopez Blogs

I just know that Guilty Pleasures theme is going to get right on my rosy pink-blush nips. I've seen the song list and at a massive massive push, I'd say 2 out of 12 are so called guilty pleasures. So it's another non-theme. In my infinite wisdowm, I shall add which songs I would've given the acts at the end of each write up. PLUS! BONUS DVD FEATURE! My song choices for my myfizzypop contestants are at the bottom of this post. Read on my pretties, read on...

• THE ENTRANCE ~ Dermot looks more and more like a politician each week. Granted, the type of politician you would like to have a sex scandal with and then go home and play Dusty Springfield's In Private. Dannii looks glorious while Cheryl's Hair has merged into a new character (to be revealed shortly) and is dressed as a giant tampon. Or perhaps she's chosen this flesh coloured onsie to remind her of her natural skin tone prior to the wood staining of live shows week one...
• PAIJE ~ Oh Paije. He has gone shopping. This is very necessary after his previous two weeks of fashion faux pas. A young (possibly blind) girl tells him he is minging. I laugh like a hyena until the ace gang tell me that she actually said amazing. Oh. What a let down. Paije is going to lay it bare this week. Shudder. He comes on stage and is obviously practising for his future (as a Butlins RedCoat). He does an incredibly boring version of Ain't Nobody, and ain't nobody here listening cos I've snoozed off. He would make a beautiful drag queen. Cheryl's Hair is still ghastly. L'Oreal must be direct debiting back their fee as we speak. (SHOULD'VE SANG: Requiem by The London Boys)
• JOHN ~ Louis is so childish. "Last of my three acts Simon". John also went shopping this week. How thrilling. The song is apparently going to show a fun smiley side of John says Cheryl's Split End. By god it looks cheap. So it suits her perfectly. Miaow. Goddity God, John has his hair in a bun and is singing Zoom. But sadly not the playful Scooch version. No sirree bob. It's a pleasant performance but neither fun or smiley. Sadness. Ballet man (who got fake slapped in Wagner's performance last week) is rather good. Dannii says he is distracting, but it is a much better distraction that big dull John. Simon Cowell compares Ballet Man to a dog on heat. Oh he can hump my leg any old time...(SHOULD'VE SANG: Beg Steal and Borrow by The New Seekers)
• REBECCA ~ Cheryl's Split End does a hideous raise the roof thing when Politician Dermot mentions she is the only judge left with 4 acts. Ghastly. The VT passes me by and soon Rebecca is on stage dressed as Jessica Rabbit. For a split second I think she is going to wow me by doing Jake The Peg as she clearly has another leg stashed up against her right hip. Beautiful, flawless voice but by god the song was boring. And Rebecca's Hair has been attacked by Cheryl's Split End hair dye while her face was being held down in the make up bag! Ooo Simon has a dig at Dame Elton. Love it! (Dermot and Simon both steal lines from my just written notes. The cads). (SHOULD'VE SANG: Never Stop Me Loving You by Sonia as a ballad)
• CHER(YL) ~ I wonder if Cher(yl) feels trapped by the persona she has created - much like I often wonder if Lady Gaga ever just wants to make a 3 minute pop video but feels obligated to make a ten minute epic. Her VT doesn't do her any favours and I've gone off her in a massive way. She can only be saved now by doing Betty Boo or Salt n Pepa. Neither. It's No Diggity merged (NOT A MASH UP) with Shout. She is essentially Lady Sovereign. If this was Mary they would be saying her performance is the same each week. Cheryl's Split End is hideously smug as Cher(yl) (who has mopped up the trimmings from the floor of whatever £6 all in salon did Cheryl's Split End and glued them to her own scalp) states this is who she is as an artist. Yes. Lady Sovereign. I won't be downloading her homogenised album. (SHOULD'VE SANG: Shoop by Salt n Pepa)

• MATT ~ I'm sure this is going to be the Travis version of Baby, One More Time. I'll only be bothered by that if the judges blather on about how original it is. I'm just glad he isn't bleating on about being allowed out to Topman. God, anyone would think they were that girl kept in the basement. Or Nathan from Emmerdale. Oh god. ALARM. ALARM. The judges are all talking about how Matt needs to make the song his own. He doesn't. He sings the Travis version. He does look rather fine though. Let's not pretend this is his own unique stamp on things though. Sounds ace, whatever. What a proper young artist he has become. Can't beat Matt strumming himself off on a Saturday night. Cheryl's Split End says she feels like she is at an unplugged show. Yes. Of Travis. Simon praises him turning the song into his own. Or borrowing the Travis version. Churlish of me, because he was very good. (SHOULD'VE SANG: Baby, One More Time by Britney)
• ONE DIRECTION ~ One Direction love being on stage. They also love going shopping. Some girl screams "he winked at me"!! She practically lifts her skirt and winks back! There is something in the script about their song choice so apparently now P!nk is a guilty pleasure. They could at least titillate the world by doing U + UR Hand. But it's Nobody Knows. And they make it sound absolutely like a big boyband song with a superdooper key change. One thing - Zain really shouldn't be allowed to do solos. Just wheel him on with a ballgag or something. I do find it quite sweet when they all hug at the end. I do quite adore the little tykes. Dannii makes a valid point (she must be mind reading my notes) about P!nk not being a guilty pleasure which Simon just glosses over. (SHOULD'VE SANG: Lost In Your Eyes by Debbie Gibson)
• TREYC ~ Ah, Trek. Apparently singing live in front of millions of people is different to anything she's ever done. Well it would be if you haven't done it before, love. Talk about stating the bleeding obvious. She walks out with two dead birds stapled to her shoulders singing Whole Lotta Love by Led Zeppelin. Not Whole Lotta Loving by Six. Darn. She gives it a decent Tina Turner style vocal that falls apart in the middle and gets annoying by the end. She's no Ruth Lorenzo and when asked if she wants to be a rock chick, her smile says yes but her eyes are begging for mercy. Louis says this is the best show they've ever done. He is clearly overdosing on poppers. (SHOULD'VE SANG: Freedom by Wham)
• MARY ~ Let's face it, the only thing Topshop have got for Mary is a vacant position on the tills. Apparently she buggered up the song in rehearsal so is doing a song that isn't a guilty pleasure at all. It seems buggering up songs is rehearsal is a running theme this week. This does not bode well. Having a fall back song in week three is not bonza. There is a really serious Louis face when she starts to perform, and he then realises the camera is on him and does what he thinks is a woo but is more of a kitten purr. Her top is nearly see through and the mic nearly pulled into the gravitational thrust of her boobies. Stunning performance. Amazing. Two things - 1) she looks a bit like Joan Ferguson still from Cell Block H and 2)Dannii and Simon are right. She does need to take a modern song and turn it into her style a la Shirley and Get This Party Started. God, she will actually do that soon won't she? (SHOULD'VE SANG: Jack in the Box by Clodagh Rodgers. My most brilliant suggestion this week)

• AIDEN ~ I think Aiden has been coaching David Platt on Coronation Street on his current seizure storyline. He reflects on his less than stellar performance last week when really his biggest concern should be getting his bloody style right. Dannii says this week is his big comeback. Another alarming thing to happen in week 3! He does the Arctic Monkeys version of Diamonds Are Forever. Or perhaps some serial killer version. It's better than last week and I love Aiden's voice but something about him isn't working for me. Can't put my finger on what (though i'd like to try, etc. Fnar fnar)! Louis is spaffing up the chuff over him again - you can almost see him dousing a hanky in rohypnol. Good grief. BTW I am agog and aghast at Aiden's woos and busting a move during his Dermychat. This must never ever happen again. (SHOULD'VE SANG: The Sun Always Shines On TV by A-HA)
• BELLE AMIE ~ The sub-Saturdays go shopping. Facking hell. God, the VT will be awful when everyone gets to go to a premiere. Belle Amie have picked their own guilty pleasure, which right gets Cheryl's Split End's back up because it makes a mockery of having a mentor. They do a piss-weak, going home version of I'll Stand By You (AKA the real reason Cheryl's Split End is moody) with some weird height order and bizarre hair attachment going on. And don't even get me started on the harmonies. Not good. Louis totally attacks Simon saying he spends all his time with One Direction. So would I if I were Simon. Belle Amie have never lived up to the promise of Faith. He then yells "The Pretenders" repeatedly when Cheryl's Split End praises the song choice. I'm loving poppered up Louis. (SHOULD'VE SANG: C'est La Vie by Ace of Base but really what's the point. Go home & leave us to enjoy Ultra Girls)
• WAGNER ~ I've downloaded that Tom Jones song from last week. The power of the x-factor. Embrace the madness because here comes Mary-shagging, pot-smoking, Louis-hating Wagner! He needs to be arrested because he just murdered Spice Up Your Life. And with no attempt to merge, the song suddenly becomes Living La Vida Loca. He essentially talks his way through two songs. He reminds me of the owner of Center Stage in Gran Canaria (who once called me a cow for knowing all the words to Deadwood Stage, and then tweaked my nipples. Good times). Why do they all look so shocked - surely they've seen it all in rehearsal! (SHOULD'VE SANG: Rasputin by Boney M)
• KATIE ~ Apparently Katie thinks going to Topshop is an insight into Madonna's life. Poor deluded fool. Last week she mentioned Kylie and didn't sing her, so clearly this week she won't sing Madonna. Bummer. She does the jungle book and I'm grossly disappointed that she doesn't monkey walk around the stage. She's RUBBISH at flirting with the dudes in the middle 8. I could give her lessons. Weirdly, I really enjoyed this - possibly because of the song. Blimey! (SHOULD'VE SANG: Puppet On A String by Sandie Shaw)

My top three ~ Matt, One Direction, Katie (I KNOW!)
My bottom three ~ Wagner, Belle Amie, Paije

MYFIZZYPOP FACTOR CONTESTANT CHOICES

• Elouise ~ I've Never Been To Me by Charlene
• Simon Curtis ~ One Night In Bangkok by A*Teens
• Princes & Rogues ~ Be With You by Mr Big

Back tomorrow with the results! EEK!