Lopez Blogs

Blimey. A lot has happened in one week regarding le factor de X. There has been a big autotune row. Shirleen may not be well enough to continue on the show. Katie Wassail (who I adore) may be disqualified because she has a recording contract in America. Sweet Michelle McManus! The controversy! I'm sure all of this will do nothing but further drive up the ratings. A fifth of the country watched last Saturday. Astonishing. Let's see if this week's installment of the best scripted show on television is as amazing....(Ps, i'll try and add youtube clips but I'm in deepest darkest countryside and my internet "dongle" isn't the most reliable with no signal!!)

• The guest judge is Katy Perry this week. She irritates me almost as much as Lady Gaga (and future judge Pixie Lott) so god knows how I will be able to cope with her of the paper thin vocals dishing out critiques to other people with marginally better vocals than her...
• Apparently the whole of Ireland has turned out for this week's auditions in Dublin. I'm sure there must be a nice cute Irish boyband out there somewhere...
• Temple Fire ~ ooo i swear I didn't know they would start with a boyband when I typed that sentence. However, I don't think I would have ever have typed "cute" if I had known this boyband was next. Miaow. (Dermot however once again looks rather delicious). They think they can sell more records than Take That. This is a dubious claim but it's such a blooding leading question and another X Factor Cliche. Jesus, I can't even watch. It's beyond dreadful - it's Wake Me Up Before You Go Go. The most entertaining thing about it is that one bloke nearly falls over everytime he does a spin around. GHASTLY.
• (Lots more dreadful auditions happen and Katy Perry says "i came all the way here for this?" What a mare. She got paid didn't she?!)
• Stephen - is a beach lifeguard and is quite pleasant to look at. Louis naturally says yes, and Katy does the only good thing she is likely to do in her career; she asks Stephen to take his top off. What is beneath is also quite pleasant to look at. He's through, but Simon hated his vocals. Honestly, I didn't really pay much attention to what he sounded like :P Simon says no to a lot of people after poor Stephen, including a weird girl group called Sugar Tits or something...
• Mary ~ she is 50 and works on till four in Tescos. There is absolutely nothing wrong with this at all, but something about how she is always on the same till all the time makes me want to weep with sorrow. She sings a Tom Jones number, which is a risky little game, but one that actually pays off. I'm not always a fan of the older contestants, but I quite like Mary. No doubt everyone will compare her to Susan Boyle, but she has a much less hairy top lip and a much nicer line in smart pants suits. She has a nice husky tone to her vocal and I'm quite taken by her. Though I suspect I wouldn't buy an album from her, because I thin Elouise would do it better. Ooo, X Factor Cliche - sad plinky plonky piano music as the audience cheer her. Marvy. Simon basically tells Katy to shut the hell up because she doesn't know what she's blathering on about. Not in quite those words but I choose to read between the lines.
• Dublin is over now and we are "back" in London with no guest judge "again" (ie, they are not back in London at all, but it's the same auditions from last week)... first up is Matt, a painter, which means he is used to be sprayed with magnolia goo all over his face. He's quite scruffy, but there's a charm behind all his desperate need for a makeover. A shower, haircut and shave would go a look way to making him look quite presentable. I quite liked his rendition of Amy Housewine's I'm No Good. Not sure if it's good enough yet for live shows, but maybe he'll shine at bootcamp. I'm willing to give him a bit of a go. (Stephen takes this week's X Factor cosmic horn alert though!)
• Michael - he looks like Adam Lambert dressed as Michael Jackson. Michael feels Michael Jackson's spirit. Honestly, he's been in heaven barely two minutes in the eternal scheme of things, and already he's popping down to some nobody from London to help him spread love, magic and positivity. Simon quite rightly rolls his eyes. Mine are rolling so hard, I'm pretty sure I'm having a seizure and have to call to Darren to bring me a revitalising Mars drink. As I knew he would be, not-MichaelJackson is rubbish vocally and dancewise. Why oh why do they let him sing for so long? Though his dancing in the chorus makes me laugh quite a lot. I think deep down I must be some sort of awful human being..."It was a bad Michael impersonation - it was Latoya" says Louis in his wittiest quote ever. NotMichaelJackson has a right queeny strop. Even I am screaming off off off off. Someone get SImon's burly security guard to physically remove him.
• The Reason - potentially decent and fairly attractive boyband alert!! One of them has those earrings in that leave a big hole in your ear, which always terrify me for some reason. They are a bit older than your average boyband, but they are packing some wicked guns and a nice line in hair styling (well two of them) so it's all boding well. They essentially do The Wanted's b-side Fight For This Love (a la Cherevil Cole) and like The Wanted b-side, it's nice enough. Some of their harmony choices are a bit dubious, but the harmonies work well if that makes sense (ie, I wouldn't have quite harmonised it in that way, but what do I know?!)...It sort of never really gets going, but i'd really like to hear more from this group so I'm pleased that they are through to the next stage...
• Seven do a very Glee version of a Lady Gaga medley. They seem very pop group and i would probably like them quite a lot if they got through; Hustle do a very cool electro version of Walk Like An Egyptian; Princes & Rogues (love the name) do Forever Is Over better than The Saturdays (not saying much) so I quite like them to. God I'm easily pleased today aren't I? I think it's cos I'm on holiday :)
• Annastasia - got through to judges houses in 2008 (X FACTOR CLICHE ALERT) and completely fell apart when Cheryl said she was a bit shit. My god, she is only 21 - she looks so much older. She does Proud Mary and Simon stops it before it gets to the good bit (not that she would have done it well, and Simon compares her to a tranny which is up there with Louis' LaToya quip). X FACTOR CLICHE ALERT - she has another song prepared, nails it (in the judges opinion, not in mine - it's unremarkable, I was more scared that she would inhale the mike), and gets through (though Louis says it is night and day. I choose to hear that he thinks it is like Knight and Day, the Tom Cruise/Cameron Diaz fiasco). Yawn. I preferred Proud Mary. I guess I just like it rough :P oh. that's the end of the show. What a disappointing ending performance. More next week :)