Lopez Blogs

I wasn't sure whether I was going to blog this year's X Factor from the start. I mean, it's quite the commitment. And the show - much as I adore it (and I really do, despite some of the things I'm about to point out!!) - can be rather annoying during the early weeks. But then of course (never start a sentence with "but), I watched episode one - and irritatingly, the blog was writing itself in my head and I knew I had to get it down one way or another. Mostly because the people I was watching with didn't sign up for a running verbal commentary :P So think of this as your dvd extra viewer commentary edition. I won't do the full breakdown of shows until at least judges houses, but here is what you missed/(or saw but wanted to read anyway, gawd luv ya)...(Ps kudos to Mark for so so many of his early predictions coming right!)

Week one:

• Essentially many, many cliches are going to be happening in this 90 minute show. In order to love the X Factor, you must be aware of these cliches and learn to embrace them as the best scripted drama on television. Yes, even better than Sam Pepper: Big Brother...
• Geri is standing in for Dannii in Glasgow. When the dramatic achievements montage of the judges flash across the screen, Cheryl gets "sold 5 million albums as part of Girls Aloud and now has a triple platinum solo album". Geri gets the rather more impressive "55 million albums sold as part of Spice Girls and 12 million solo albums"! I'm dubious about the 12 million solo albums but Scream If You Wanna Go Faster shits all over Cheryl's latest effort...
• The show starts off with an undboutedly pleasant fellow called Stephen who sings Disco Inferno. Simon looks all judgey when he asks how old he is (41) and asks what career path he thinks he will have. Look, don't let 41 year olds audition if you think they are too old (X factor cliche alert 1 - conversely, someone who is at the youngest end of age ranges will no doubt audition, be brilliant, but be told they are too young! MIND BOGGLING)!!
• Stephen tells the judges that Tina Turner started when she was 41 and they nod, impressed, like this is in any way shape or form accurate information. I mean, facking hell, how old was she when she met Ike? She must be vampire old now :P Anyway Stephen dances for a long time (badly) to Disco Inferno, Simon stops the music to ask if he is going to sing. He is. He does. It's ok. He's the first audition and he's through. Hurrah. He won't make the final 12 though.
• X Factor Cliche Alert 2 - Voice Over Dermot will tell the viewers that there are hundreds of bad auditions in a row and we will all see people speeded up going on and off stage. Then, a good audition will miraculously change the judges minds. Amazing.
• Geri Halliwell blathers on about people's tone an awful lot.
• G&S ~ Sweet child of mine, what the ecky thump is happening here?! Peter and Caroline are apparently G&S, which stands for Gay and Straight. Peter points out that he is the gay one, and you can see Simon Cowell thinking "jesus, mary and joe mcelderry - i'm not going to be able to use this to boost the career if he's gobbing off about it already!!" They sing Don't Stop Believing and Peter is bloody awful (he starts later than Corin and Andrew did with Time Of Your Life on Big Brother 11)! Caroline is quite nice, but only because Peter is so bloody awful. I love that Peter thinks Caroline's cheers are for him. It spurs him on! I get the woeful impression that there will be far too many Glee songs this year (mainly because Simon loves relevant doesn't he?!)... X Factor Cliche Alert 3 - can Caroline audition on her own? Yes she can! It's the good/bad duo story! She sings adequately while Peter jumps up and down, tearfully, like a loon on loon tablets at loon camp on the side of the stage. Amazingly, Caroline gets through (and even more amazingly, Geri tells her she has a good personality which is a) untrue, she has barely spoken and b) such a mean girl putdown. Naughty Geri :P) and everyone tells Peter what a good friend he is. He is not a good friend. A good friend would have realised he was bloody awful and Caroline would have told him before he made a numpty of himself on national tv. I think she should keep the name G&S as a solo artist though. It could be the new name for bi...:)
• Gamu (above) - hurrah, finally someone brilliant. Not loving the flower in the hair (Cheryl probably wore one last year, so now all girls auditioning think it will be their link to her) but she seems quite charming and her voice is lovely. Geri looks amazed when she says she is 18, because frankly she seems older but doesn't really look older if you see what I mean. She does her own version of Walking On Sunshine and it's rather pleasant indeed. In fact at one point you can actually see Geri Halliwell thinking "how quickly can I get to the studio to rob this version from her?!" I really like her. A lot :) Thank god she's through :)
• Girl groups - I do actually agree with Mark and think that a group could win it this year. Lots of girl groups audition in London (they don't really focus on any in particular, but a couple seem decent) and Cheryl is an out and out bitch to them all. Simon teases her about this and gives her a saucer of milk. Which is all sorts of delightful campery. Cheryl is not amused. X Factor Cliche Alert 4 - during this montage of ONE DAY IN LONDON, Cheryl;s outfit goes from red to white to red to white (later in the series we will be lead to believe that they visited the audition cities multiple times). Perhaps she spilled something on herself during filming?! :P
• Jahm ~ it's a mixed sex pop group! Like Same Difference! Or Sugababes!! Anyway, they met on the internet (nothing wrong with that, it;s how I snared Darren into my web) and they compare themselves to the Black Eyed Peas. Because of the gender arrangement. They sing Bad Romance. Badly. And not good-bad like the amusing auditions. No, it's fucking horrendous. There is no cohesion between them, they don't know the music and at one point near the end, the bloke does a "phew" look as if to say "thank Christ that's over", then realises it isn't over and they all do this embarrassed jig. It's Ashlee Simpson all over again! They finally finish and tumbleweed literally blows past. It's tv gold! "Can we do another song please" begs the soon to be outed as an absolute cow girl on the left. No scream 10 million people watching! Ghastly. Outed Cow Girl totally blames the other lass, but lets be fair they were equally as awful as each other...
• Katie (below) - I LOVE KATIE! She is essentially Madonna circa Desperately Seeking Susan and this is lauded as individual style, but who cares?! She is amazeballs. She has this vulnerability about her, this likeability (7 seasons in and i FINALLY get what the judges mean when they say that) and a definite charm (I promise I said this to the ace gang before Simon did!). She wants to sing At Last, but Simon turns his nose up (this is a new twist on X Factor Cliche Alert 5 - a mediocre performance of one song only to blow the second tune out of the water) and she botches We Are The Champions. I keep waiting for it to get astonishingly brillo. It doesn't, yet I still adore her. What evil spell has she cast?! She gets to sing At Last after all and it's still a bit all over the place, but there are moments of greatness in there. Yay shes through! I LOVE KATIE!! She's priceless - like mastercard.
• (X Factor Cliche Alert 6 - the increasing amount of supporters allowed to wait in the wings. Many with t-shirts on stating the name of the person/act they are supporting! It's boosting a dwindling economy!)
• Shirlena ~ it's the end of the show already! Usually there is someone mindblowingly brilliant at this point. Instead we get Shirlena who is mindblowingly bonkers. She essentially freestyles over Duffy's Mercy and the longer she does it, the more entrancing it becomes! She clearly is just making it up as she goes along but it is strangely mesmerising - like watching a morbidly obese person jump up and down! She gets through on her ability to be crackers and also wear leopard print leggings (that she has also dressed her baby in, the cruel woman!!)
• COSMIC HORN ALERT ~ no cute boys this week. Some bloke I think called Mark auditioned with weird hair, but he was nowhere near the cosmic horn level. Dermot on the other hand looked quite lovely all throughout the show. Yum.