Lopez Blogs

The Saturday night part of this weekend's double bill was possibly the most poorly edited and put together bit of television I have seen in a long time. It's actually a bizarre show, and I think I'm only annoyed because I genuinely do love the format so much. I can't be bothered to recap the show as most of it passed by in a blur of far too short vignettes that don't give you enough time to connect with the contestants. Task one was getting the acts to team up in 3s and all sing on stage. This is not only insanity but utterly ridiculous television. It does however showcase the highs and lows of this entire show as follows:

• The scripting is better than ever! Three solo girls "randomly" choose each other and perform as a girl group. They don't get through. Cheryl then asks them to become a group. They accept because the script says they must. More on them later...
• Being a bitch is helpful - one girl is asked by the judges if she choose her other two for her team because they were essentially crap. She says yes she did. Ooo you bitch! And the judges like this because the music industry is cut-throat and she will probably do well.
• Being a bitch isn't helpful - the weird twins that Louis liked quite a lot from earlier in the series are back and they totally sing over everyone in their group. Simon says this has basically made it harder for everyone in their group and they are booed. Simon says they would spit on their own mother for success (they probably didn't because they needed her to iron their shirts). He doesn't like that attitude!
• The judges don't have to be consistent - the above two bullet points are a perfect example of this.
• Dermot's platitudes are getting ridiculously cliched and annoying. Everyone needs it more than anyone else. Everyone is feeling the pressure. It is the most important moment of their life. They are singing for their lives. I appreciate this is all to build the drama, but it's getting beyond a joke. It's the living end :P
• The show is making contestants lazy. Lots of 17 and 18 year olds say that if they don't make it, it's the end of the line for them. This is preposterous and hopefully just said in the heat of the moment. The X Factor isn't the be all and end all of a music career.
• Although it's easy to write this now because I'm publishing after the Sunday show, I am writing before it airs and I can guarantee that at least one judge will use the "it's bad news - you'll have to come back for judges houses" type fake out! And I will fall for it.

LIVE NOTES FROM THE X FACTOR:

Night two continues the insanity by introducing the audience to... the judges! My god! Thank heavens they did that! Then they do a nice flashback of last night to take up some more time. Marvelous. But amazingly the continuation of top 50 performances start pretty early with an absolutely alarming performance by Behruz. He does Purple Rain in the style of Mika (and clearly thinks he is brilliant) - Simon clearly thinks he is a twat. He is right.

Script development! Let's have a contestant lose their voice. The unfeasibly spelt Treyc does a nice husky version of Ben and is probably better with a sore throat in the same way Phoebe is when she has a cold in Friends and has her sexy phlegm. Next up is popstar looking 16 year old Lloyd who also does an MJ song (You Are Not Alone). I'm not sure whether MJ is dead at this point in the filming but he's quite a popular song choice, though not always a wise one.

More platitudes from Dermot - everyone is feeling the pressure, no one wants the dream to end. Really Dermot? His insightful views into the process leave me astounded. Bravo (slow clap). I often wonder if I looked back at last year's episodes whether they have just used the same voiceover as last year. This platitude is because some kid (Dominic) got to Dannii's house last time and doesn't want to miss out this time. Although if he gets through to the next stage, it will only be as far as he got last time so no reason to get excited just yet. His version of Last Request is quite lovely and soulful though and mature beyond his 17 years. Bit strained at times though.

The 3 girls who miraculously chose to work together yesterday and then were miraculously asked to be a girl group by the judges (in another scripted plot twist) get to audition for the first time as a group. They look bloody awful together (although to be fair they haven't had much time to rehearse) and only Cheryl has that look which says "i'm so right about putting these girls together". Everyone else looks bored, then a godawful rap appears and some hideous harmonies which of course means Simon now looks interested. Infuckingcredible. Oh, they have called themselves Miss Frank. FAIL.

Latest platitude - the pressure of bootcamp is getting to everyone. Good grief. Conveniently someone forgets their words. And then someone else does. Simon looks annoyed. Not as annoyed as I am when Dermot tries to be sincere and sympathetic. It is not his strong point at all (just like remembering the words wasn't these auditionees strong points). More sore throats from last year's auditionee Ricky who sounds bloody awful. He still hasn't sorted out his bloody eyebrows so frankly he deserves to be kicked out!

New platitude - the acts sing for their lives! Now that would be cutting edge and exciting. Imagine if all the people who weren't good enough got murdered! Surely that's a Japanese horror film waiting to happen. It could then be remade as a shot for shot but not quite as good English version. Just imagine that! Are you imagining?! Oh, by the way Ollie the cheeky scamp from Essex sings Your Song in a horribly oversized cardigan and completely misses the first note by - well, not quite a mile, but a fairly sizeable distance. Then the criminal Curtis comes on and sings a flat version of You Are Not Alone. Followed by a bunch of grossly disappointing groups - most of whose names I can't remember, even though I am typing this about 6 seconds after they appeared on screen.

NO ONE WANTS THAT CHANCE MORE ALERT!! One of Dermot's favourite sayings (that is used at least once each show of the entire series) and is attached this time to Afro Jamie who takes the predictably safe option of With or Without You. I'm still not a big fan I have to say. In fact he is starting to irritate me in quite a large way - clearly the producers love him because he gets a lot more screen time than other people. Oh great, everyone is on their feet and Simon winks at him. This means that I am in the minority and everyone loves him - ooo except Louis who is disappointed and thinks he is trying to hard. For once I want to hug Louis - only he'd probably enjoy it and cop a feel. "I don't know what i'll do if I don't get through" says Jamie to Dermot after the audition. Well, I'd start with checking for insects, his hair looks like a birds nest.

Lovely Stacey from Essex sings that Faith Hill song from Pearl Harbour. She's a bit all over the shop, but she's so bloody likeable and engaging that I really want her to do well (even though she hawked her single mom story and shed tears about wanting a better life, etc). She's followed by unfeasibly spelt Danyl who then says that if he wins the show, the kids he teaches will feel they can do anything. I sort of like Danyl a lot, but this is the biggest pile of shit I've ever ever heard. He then does some incredibly weird beatbox version of Holding Back The Years. The vocal is quite nice, but let's face it, he's no beatboxing Blake Lewis and half the time I'm torn whether he is singing the song he said he was or a Will Young cover version. It sort of reminds me when Darius wrecked his "Popstars" chances by doing that entirely bizarre version of Baby One More Time. Louis actually looks like he is going to be physically sick. The judges say it is too bizarre (not 3 minutes after they said that Ollie was too safe and should take some chances. I blame Cheryl for this just because I can).

That's it! The auditions are over and the contestants are "waking up to the most important day of their lives". Cue lots of clips of nervous auditionees saying how nervous they are and how important this day is. The judges then talk lots and lots and lots about of acts, though you are never entirely sure who they are talking about so it's very frenetic and epiletic and gives me a migraine. Finally they have come to a decision, and they tell people. There are lots of NO! including the lad who got to Dannii's last time (and she is pretty devastated not to have him through) and Behruz who looks genuinely shocked that it is a no in a comedy "whadafuck" sort of way. Also Rozelle doesn't get through which infuriates me. Lots of people do get through to judge's houses including Danyl, Ollie, Ethan, John & Edward, Stacey, Lloyd, Jamie Afro, Trucolourz, De-tour, One True Voice and lots more who have been the focus of the series so far. Now just to see if the papers were right about the judges categories... Simon (over 25s as the papers predicted); Cheryl (the boys - papers said she had the girls); Louis (groups - shocker, as predicted of course) and Dannii (obviously the girls - quite pleased, much stronger than the boys)...

back tomorrow!