Lopez Blogs

Usually I would be very excited indeed about a sat-sun double whammy from the X Factor, but the hokey live auditions have dampened the experience somewhat for me, and it all seems a bit of a drag. So yes "double bill" instills fear and horror in me (but much the same way season four of Buffy does ie, it's not great but it's still Buffy). I really can't be bothered to sift through all the bad auditions tonight, so I'll just highlight the decent auditions from the two nights (If that's ok with you as neglected X Factor pop star extraordinnaire Shayne Ward once sang. Remember him? Apparently Simon Cowell doesn't. Boo, simon. And for shame).

After numerous bad auditions "back in London" (the production is so lazy now, that they don't even try and convince the audience it's the same day as the outfits change with every other audition!), American Man in London (no, it just doesn't have the same ring does it?) Ethan auditions. He's typically good looking in that American sort of way and Dermot practically snogs his face off. He walks on stage and Cheryl (despite her husband being in the audience, but hey that's never stopped her husband!) is literally glued to her seat by her own gastric juices. Check out her "come f**k me" eyes at 50 seconds! This is almost instantly put to shame by Dannii who is drooling quite visibly. I judge them both for their obviousness, but in all fairness, this is exactly how I would be on the show so "fair dos". Ethan does an ok version of King of Leon's Use Somebody. I fear that Simon may get the winner to do a King of Leon's cover version as their first single as he tells Ethan he likes him "because he knows music"! Yes knowing music is apparently singing a song by one of the most popular bands of the year. And picking a song that lingered in the charts all the live long day. I should go on. I apparently too know music. Still Ethan is through, although I'm still not convinced he was worth all the perving. I do like the way he hugged his "male friend" back stage much more enthusiastically than his girl friends :)

"Back" to Birmingham next (ooo they've come to visit me), and Lea from Big Brother 7 auditions. Oh no she doesn't, it's prison teacher Faye. Who has come all burlesque and is apparently 28. Yes, 28 in the same way that Lady Cuckoo is 23. Ie, a bit of a lie. Anyway, Faye has a lovely personality and an ok voice. She sings River Deep Mountain High and it's nice but nowhere near as good as this version. Still, she eeks through to bootcamp, where no doubt she will be booted out quite early on. Oh well :) The rest of Birmingham was all a bit tosh - some girl singing I'm Every Woman and being told by an apparently deaf or bored Cheryl it was the best audition of the day; some guy singing that Aerosmith "classic" and a group called Harmony Hood (dreadful name) who were ok.

A lot of dreadfulness ensues (so maybe I'm Every Woman girl was the best of the day) and the producers are so desperate to fill time they do a montage of Simon's t-shirts - how he only wears grey and white. Amazing. Like no one has figured this out in the 100 shows this has been on the air. Tip to Simon however - he must dry them really poorly because they are all stretched and baggy at the bottom. Tsk. Fire the maid Simon. Actually, I think Simon has invited her to audition because next up is a rather lovely old lady that Dermot is ever so patronising to called Eileen. She fancies Simon and sings without music (because apparently you have to bring your own to have that clip of the sound man pushing up the buttons). Simon tells her that she and Dannii could be in a group which is highly amusing because they have identical hair cuts. Well I was amused, though by this point it's like sitting through an episode of Two and A Half Men - you'll take whatever joke weakly passes as comedy! Because she is old and Simon is amused by her, she is invited to sing again with backing music. More on that later!

The only other interesting thing to happen in the show is the return of Dominic from the 2007 series. He made Dannii's bootcamp where she booted him out. He sings Chris Brown's With You and it's pleasant but not amazing (although it does remind me of what a great song it is, and what an entirely massive shame it is that Chris messed up his life so thoroughly with his dickhead behaviour :/ Frankly after this, I'm a bit too depressed to remember the rest of the show). Dannii does the obligatory "you have grown because of the X Factor" so the show clearly does a public service. He gets through to boot camp and Dermot for some inexplicable reason tells the audience in voice over that it's Dominic's time. Really? He has only got as far as last time, so he needs to do some hard work to get to the live shows where he will maybe last a few weeks. Then there was a cabaret type woman (whose dad is dead and encouraged her - possibly from the grave - to apply) who gets through but Simon didn't like her, so I rather nastily hope that she is in Simon's group! I am mesmerised by her pendulating jugs though. Oh and a couple from Pontins audition. It's no wonder they don't work there anymore (and this is what Same Difference may look like if they let themselves go)! Bloody hell - there is more tomorrow!

NIGHT 2 (links and vids added shortly!)

Oh good grief. Night two of the "double bill" and finally the excrement of the "live audition" process comes to a close. Again there were numerous bad auditions tonight - and much like the rest of the series, they seem to be less funny than usual and more just excrutiatingly bad and painful. A duo of pub singers in the 40s dress like teens and murder One Love; some guy absolutely belts out When You Believe and gets to sing the whole song only it is pretty appalling; someone whose brother shot him is pretty dreadful; 2 cousins audition and Simon takes the piss out their name - CASYR (Care and Support Your Relatives) - they are no Same Difference; and lovely Eileen - the old duck from Night one - is back, still pretty piss poor but ever so gracious and lovely in defeat. Phew. Luckily there are some "good" (depending on your viewpoint) auditions within this excrutiatingly drawn out process.

The first of only 3 noteable auditions is Daniel who was my second favourite (after Keith - such a non pop star name; like David Sneddon) in the boyband One True Voice. Now let's talk about OTV for a minute - they were the perfect example of what is going on with JLS right now. They released quite good pop songs (Shakespeare's Way With Words was GROSSLY underrated!) that were pleasant rather than outstanding, and weren't exciting compared to what Girls Aloud were doing. So Daniel quit and has been doing his own thing since. Which basically means he's come back to the X Factor to "make it". He has quite an ill advised mohawk now, which is a bit off putting, and both Cheryl and Louis are annoying in pretending that they remember him instead of admitting that the production crew informed them of who he was 3 minutes earlier. He sings Kiss From A Rose (yawn) and it's all quite good but not really outstanding. For some reason Cheryl stands up to clap which infuriates me because she's stayed locked in her seat for far superior performances. It's quite condescending actually, as is her "oh i always knew you were brilliant" comment she deigns to give him, as if she has stayed in close personal contact for the past 7 years. Grrr. Anyway, all say yes, and he's through and the over 25s may actually be the most interesting category this year.

Let's face it, the X Factor has always been a series of carefully staged vignettes running into each other and deserves an emmy for best scripted comedy. This is never more apparent than when 22 year old Amy auditions. She says Cheryl inspires her (!) and of course Cheryl is all excited that she is from "her neck of the woods". I don't get this at all. I never get excited when I meet someone else from Birmingham. Why does this bond people? It's like if you are on holiday in Gran Canaria and the drag queen asks where you are from and then everyone from there cheers as if they are your best friends, when really they wouldn't deign to piss on you if you were on fire. Oh, anyway... Amy sings Falling by Alicia Keys and it's not brilliant. She gets stopped after about ten seconds because the judges already know it is awful. At this point I knew for a fact that she would get to sing a second song. I mean, that When You Believe guy got to sing the whole bloody song, yet everyone could tell he was awful after 3 seconds. All the judges tell her she looks like a popstar, but the song was too big for her - she then says she nearly sang a Girls Aloud song, which if you think about it is a bit of a backhanded compliment isn't it? She then sings I'll Stand By You which is not a Girls Aloud song at all, merely a song that Girls Aloud covered and I am irrationally irritated by this (nearly as irritated as when some kid at work heard My Sharona for the first time and asked why they had sampled No Good Advice). She sings and forgets the words, so the script directs Cheryl to get on stage and sing with her. She does and it's sort of nice in a really cheesy sort of way, but Amy still isn't that great. She gets through, but when Dannii says yes she has this look on her face that says "i'm on saying yes because everyone will think I'm a right bitch if I say not" and I love her more than ever.

So all that is left is Scott who is 21 and does You Raise Me Up. He is actually very good and obviously gets through and the judges reign in their usual patronising comments (because he has autism), but I can't help but hope the proper support mechanisms are put in place for him all along the way. Then there is Curtis whose brother died so he became a burgler. He is on a tag, which excuse me but I think he shouldn't even be allowed to audition! Anyway, he goes on stage, and I think his nerves come across as a bad attitude and he keeps doing a scarey eye thing at the judges. He sings a passable version of Let Me Love You and Simon chastises him for his "attitude" but says he is the most relevant contestant ever. This sends a hideous message to the youth of today. I think it is more appropriate when Cheryl compares him to a young Chris Brown (you know, because they are both criminals). Oh well he is through - lord knows how he will attend the London bootcamp on a tag, but I'm sure his parole officer will find a way. And that's it! Bootcamp! Hurrah! Maybe the show will improve. Fingers crossed because I still love it and want it to be magnificent, though not in an Alexandra snotting all over Beyonce sort of way. We'll see. Here are some important lessons learnt from the audition process so far:

1 ~ The live auditions do not work. Scrap them.
2 ~ Dermot is hideously insincere when saying bad luck to the people coming off stage weeping because they are obviously crap.
3 ~ Dermot's hair is better very short and he looks better with 2 buttons undone on his shirt (it's the Seinfield debate all over again)
4 ~ the X Factor is not green friendly at all. All the judges arrive in individual massive cars that are destroying the environment.
5 ~ Sob stories are on the way out, so put your dead relatives back in their coffins people.