Lopez Blogs

Oh goddity god, the X Factor is back. For a "concept" i love, the programme is strangely infuriating and that's often because it's badly edited, full of scripted cliches and whim to the bizarre voting habits of the British public. Of course, the media here was all over the bloody thing - what with Alexandra appearing on the front of the Sun newspaper in her knickers (possibly the most interesting thing she will EVER do and still totally yawn worthy) and Louis quite rightly having a pop at Simon for not promoting could be globally huge Shayne properly, it's clear that the Factor still has it going "on". But that promo picture is all wrong - possibly the worst promo picture since Alphabeat cleaned themselves up. Louis and Simon look like they haven't even made an effort at all, Cheryl's dress is completely sci-fi hideous and they all look like they are about to sucked into a hyper launch gate from Babylon 5 circa 1994. Still it's all about the people auditioning isn't it, so let's see what horrors they have in store this year.

I'm not going to do a full recap of the show - I'll save that for the live finals, but here are some observations about last night's debut...

• Dermot honestly does look better when his hair is shaved. He also looks best when he has a couple of buttons of his shirt undone and his sleeves rolled up. Save the smart look for the live shows.
• Nothing ever happens. There are no auditions until after the first break and the audience is told TWICE in that time that the bar has been raised (cliche #1) and now there is a live audience.
• The live audience doesn't really work, but I admit it's a big change and I possibly need to give it more time. The sound was appalling and echo-ey, the judges were constantly turning round to guage the audience reaction and don't even get me started on the fact that people can now audition to a backing track. It's Britain's Got Talent: Singers Edition.
• The auditions are strangely lacklustre - the DreamGirls are like the Cheeky Girls after their personalities had been removed; some girl who auditioned in a horrible dress a couple of years ago is back and still awful (and I don't believe for a second that producers didn't call her up and ask her to come back) and some poor 16 year old lad tries to sing Untouchable to his idol Cheryl and is appallingly bad - frankly I fear for his safety when school bullies get hold of him but of course that is of no concern to the producers. It is a bit amusing when Simon stops him singing because he doesn't like the song!!
• Cliche #2 - Louis likes what he perceives as good looking young boybands. The live audience proves to be a bad addition to the show again when John & Edward (known as "john & edward" announces the voice over guy with no hint of amusement) practically chew the scenery with their annoying antics, but Louis is all over them like paste on wallpaper. Same with a similarly blonde sibling duo audition with no success later...
• Chantelle pre Celeb Big Brother auditions! well of course she doesn't - it's Stacey in the most horrible pair of shorts known to man! Cliche #3 - when she starts singing, Dannii and Simon do the "oh she's quite good, we must stop judging people on performances" look. She is good in a nice restrained sort of way.
• Cliche #4 - when Louis is enraptured by someone's singing, he looks like Westlife have rescinded the offer to give him a rectal examination ie quite hurt and disappointed! Check out 1m59s of the Stacey clip above...
• Joseph is also apparently quite good (and cliche #5 - he is from the same neck of the woods as Cheryl so obviously they are the same you know) but a) everyone knows the best Luther Vandross song is Power of Love/Love Power (Dance with my father just brings back unfortunate memories of the first year's winner and every over 25 contestant since) and b) Joseph is a bit warbly in his vocal delivery, although of course that could be nerves...(I have no idea why Cheryl tells Dannii that he is good before he even starts singing. Her prophetess powers will show up again towards the end of the show)...
• Cliche#6 - people crying when their relatives sing. They are not going to die at the end of the song you know...
• Oh dear - Triple Trouble have clearly modelled themselves on the Catherine Tate fame academy sketch (it's almost a direct replication) and stolen the message of some dance troupe from this year's Britain's Got Talent. They have a right hissy fit when they don't get through - and Cheryl looks genuinely shocked at their behaviour when one of them throws the microphone on the floor. Um, because she's never done worse than that!
• It's quite hilarious how the camera zooms in on the microphone on the floor like it's the most dramatic thing in the history of the world. Clearly from Cheryl's overreaction, it is.
• Cliche#7 - people from last year's boot camp turning up and getting through AGAIN! (The family and friends of Duane completely go bonkers, and I find myself screaming at the tv "he got that far last year you noddies, it's not like he's won" but that's a bit churlish and I let them have their moment :)
• That previous bullet point made me realise what a considerate giving person I really am.
• Out of cliche #8 (the judges being fed up of the bad quality - what do they expect? Hasn't the show been going for 5 years?!) and cliche #9 (a pretty good auditionee after the strops) comes a new cliche borne out of SuBo Britain's Got Talent phenomenon. Clearly the producers want someone to light up the internet with their wonderousnessnessness.
• Enter Danyl - a teacher. Quite good looking. Bit of a sloppy outfit, but manages to still look a bit cool. Who then does a rather good version of With A Little Help From My Friends (that wouldn't have worked AT ALL had he not had the option of the backing track - also why wasn't he asked to sing something to make him relevant like Duane?) and Cheryl uses her prophetic powers again at 33 seconds when she nods at Simon with the SMUGGEST smile ever that says "I knew he would be entirely brilliant". It is singularly the most annoying split second of television this year.
• However, Danyl is rather good. Some of his stage theatrics are bloody awful - the arm waving during the first chorus is appalling, but the switching hands with the microphone in time to the music at 1m25s is quite endearing (much more so than the cringeworthy moment when Dannii literally creams her knickers when he looks at her!) - clearly this has all been staged til last so it is a) the most memorable moment of the show and b) something the producers hope the world will pick up on as it is already the most watched clip from the show.

So there you have it. 9.9 million people watched (nearly a sixth of the country) and NO SOB STORIES. God knows what next week will bring...

The REAL panel of judges - Mike's Weekly Pop Panel now up :)