Normally right about now, I would be writing about how great Guys and Dolls is (it was) and how Nigel Harman is sex on 2 legs (he was). Sadly that was all ruined and suddenly the best of times became the worst of times. it all started off so well...I was outside the Alex Theatre in Birmingham, gazing lovingly at Nige on the poster advertising that Guys and Dolls was opening that night. I was waiting patiently for the lovely Kirsty to arrive and was enjoying the blustering gale that was blowing me from pillar to post (and not in the good furtive under the duvet way!). Suddenly an excessive burst of wind whipped up a (mercifully empty) bin bag which then proceeded to hit me right in the face. I'd like to say I handled it with grace and ease, but instead i ran around screaming like a loon on loon tablets at a loon convention until some kindly old woman pulled if off my face (mmm slimy) and i realised it wasn't a blood sucking alien. Having humiliated myself in front of the quite long line of people waiting to get in, I slinked to my seat and buried my head in a picture of Nige in the programme. Behind us were a rowdy group of girls who were clearly looking forward to the Harmeister... except clearly not that much. As when it started they still carried on talking and laughing and getting their malteasers out of their purse and then dropping them on the floor and then yawning and saying it was boring and they couldn't hear properly. For 30 freaking minutes. When one of them said "oh god why are we here" i could take it no longer - i turned round and practically spat the words out "i think everyone is wondering that - you have done nothing but talk and laugh and chew with your mouths open and yawn and ruin it for everyone. It's like sitting in front of a bunch of socially retarded school girls. I've paid good money for these tickets and i didn't pay it to come and listen to you" To be fair I'm not proud of my outburst and particularly not proud of my socially retarded, but their biggest comeback was "we paid for the tickets too" and continued to grumble through to the break. When the break came they all filed out to go the bar, and one of them said they were sorry for talking but it wasn't polite to call them what i did. I kind of grunted and let it go. Several people went to complain to the ushers and asked them to be vigilant to the noise in the second part of the show.
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They came back from the break where they had obviously all been talking about what i said and all 8 of them were well rowdy when they got back. "Which one of youse called us a retard". I had lost the will to live by this point so I as politely as I could explained that i didn't call them retards i said they were socially retarded and had ruined the first half for everyone around them. Then one of them said I wouldn't be so brave if 'er 'usband were around. I told her I frankly found it astounding that she had a husband and wouldn't be surprised if the poor hen pecked fool was currently packing his bags to make a quick getaway. Then the music started up and I clearly had aggravated the situation as they all then sat and yawned excessively and said they weren't allowed to talk! Then about 5 minutes in they all stood up and had an argument about whether they should leave or not (and still the ushers did nothing!). Ultimately they did decide to leave in a non quiet disorderly fashion. By then I was too aggravated to enjoy the show, although I have to say I know I would have enjoyed it because it very nearly did make me forget towards the end and seemed highly enjoyable. Curse those soulless witches!!
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LINK: Purchase tickets for Guys and Dolls
