Lopez Blogs

I am back from FloRida and have the coming home from holiday blues :( Surely the X Factor will cheer me up?! While I was away, Wagner went, ding dong the witch is dead (bye bye Katie) and poor Mary got royally shafted (I received the news via text on Toy Story Midway Mania at Hollywood Studios). What happened to public vote only in the penultimate week? Oh right, William (i'm not doing the dots) had already been booked for Cher(yl) so they had to find a way to get her through to the final. Sigh. I wouldn't be surprised if in part one they have a bottom two and the judges get to choose and then a top two and the judges get to choose just so they can make Cher(yl) the winner!! Ooo i am grumpy! Ok, on with the show...

So everyone wants to win. Of course. I'm not sure having an x-factor/christmas party and blogging it is the best idea. I feel like a poor host and a rubbish blogger. Still, i've done some lovely nibbles (it's not just moms who go to iceland!) and am wearing a rather foxy tux-meets-casual outfit so it all balances out. They show people from the home towns cheering. The crowd looks a bit thin in Cher(yl)'s home town of Malvern. Shame eh... Hurrah! The judges are coming on. Oh christ. Dannii has definitely won the style wars this year. Cheryl looks like an out of date Yoghurt from the reduced section of tesco. (Mary probably marked her down).

• GROUP NO ~ I've forgotten who half these people are. I think that's the jetlag. Cher 'raps' for far too long and receives much more stage time than anyone else. This is not her fault, it just shows that someone desperately wants her to win, perhaps to give the x-factor some credibility. It does not need this, it needs Joe to get in the top forty with Someone Wake Me Up (he won't apparently. sniffle). It all sounds a bit crap to be honest and not the best start to an x-factor finale i've ever seen. AND my braces/suspenders snap off my new pantaloons and grieviously injure my noggin. I'm proper fuming and ow-ie. I'm a bit miffed as it tops off my ensemble, but i'm not getting changed now...
• MATT ~ I guarantee Cher will be last :( Anyway, I can't hear what Dannii is saying as everyone is talking about the new Narnia film (which is very good. Edmund grows up and is magnificent. Woo). Matt goes home and gets cheered a lot. He has horrible posture. He also cries a lot. They ask some young girl how much she loves Matt and i'm pretty sure she says "more than my mom". What a kick in the knickers for the birth giver! Matt has scrubbed up well, but I feel the guitar was a mistake. I wonder if Simon will give him some of David Cook's songs. It's good - like one of those youtube wannabes you hear while idly wasting time. He has some veiled nuns behind him. CherylYoghurtPot has got her hair scraped back to within an inch of her life. She looks well chav. Wagner will feel rattified. The Stacey-from-last-year (ie, what will happen to Rebecca if she doesn't win, sadly) video link is a big fat bust.
• REBECCA ~ Apparently Rebecca did a fast song last week. I am in shock. Someone drunkenly tries to re-enact it for me, but i don't think they do it justice. Rebecca takes CherylYoghurtPot home - you can see the Tweed practically gripping onto the taser in her clutch purse! Wagner will feel rattified. Sigh - no fast songs this week for Rebecca. They just plop her in the middle of the stage on a giant platform like she's been wheeled in a la Hannibal Lecteur. They do spin her clockwise on it and she descends! I want to see what happens if they spin her the other way! Ooo she could be the new WonderWoman! In her gorgeous dress she looks like one of those knitted dolls my grandma used to pop over toilet rolls for some reason in the bathroom!! CherylYoghurtPot respects her as a woman and her dignity and class. Many jokes abound while people appreciate my winter fruit dip with pear slices (I got the recipe from the Mrs Miracle book. It's delish).

• ONE DIRECTION ~ They have to go all over the country for One Direction. Including HMV. Lots of girls scream loudly and a mop is needed for their gushing. I am mortified when one of the ace gang makes a hugely inappropriate joke about L.I.Am (he can have the dots). Clearly she has the Wand Erection Infection. Even more mortifying is when someone says "ooo they are doing Ellie Goulding". For shame. Clearly it is Elton John and Your Song. As it has snow in the background and looks all Christmassy, i am smitten. It's sort of brilliant, though that could be the snow blindness and the generous backing vocals. CherylYoghurtPot says she always enjoys Wand Erection. It's obvious. Her hand is never above the desk when they are on!! Even better, is when the number comes up for voting and L.I.Am moves Zain out the way in case he is blocking the camera's line of vision to him! Chortle.
• CHER(YL) ~ Last. Shock. Look, I seem a bit harsh on Cher(yl) when it's not really her fault. It's the X-Factor that have created a monster. They have taken some glue guns, lollipop sticks, a ghastly wardrobe, some tangled wool and a bratz doll (see below) and made Cher. Then had the audacity to call her the most innovative musical artist in the UK right now. Because she raps things like "i hear jerusalem bells a ring a ding dinging". And because she is 17 and because everyone likes to hear praise, of course she believes it and this makes her come across as arrogant and cocky. And even worse, next year will be flooded with people trying to rap. Christ alive. Anyway, she sings to some five year olds in her home town. This will ruin her "ghetto, best new innovative artist in the universe" image. She does that 3-6-9 song and not ery well. She then does Get Ur Freak On. She's the new Wagner - she does 2 songs! Oh it's ghastly. I look around the room and even the Cher(yl) fans in the room look a bit gobsmacked. Dannii basically says "you're not in the final are you luv" but in a really nice professional way. Snap, etc. Simon says she is innovative. yes, doing a cover version is truly innovative. CherylYoghurtPot says she saw something in Cher(yl). Yes, half the men in Malvern. Guffaw. Scott Mills made a right tit of himself on the video link too...

• MATT-RIHANNA ~ For some reason Matt has one hand behind his back. Perhaps Louis gave him one for luck before he went on and he's still a bit sore. Rihanna comes on and duets with Matt. Good thing there is fire on the stage as there is no heat between them. I'm half convinced Matt will honk her norks once the song is finished. He doesn't, of course...
• REBECCA-XTINA ~ Oh god, a ballad. I try to choke myself on a Reeses Peanut Butter Cup but Gareth Ace Gang heimlichs me so I have to endure it. Poor Rebecca (who I do think is "world class", etc) is totally outshined by Christina. Maybe they will do the Madonna kiss at the end. You can see Christina looking at Rebecca thinking "why the fuss are you dressed like an Egyptian empress?" Bless...
• ONE DIRECTION-ROBBIE ~ I'm a bit disappointed with the "oh it's Robbie". Robbie has always been a bit car crash on the x-factor hasn't he? Detracting from Robbie and his new backing band (no not take that, you wags) is the look on the boys faces as they try to out Alexandra Alexandra Burke when she snotted all over Beyonce. Surely they rehearsed so this isn't a surprise?!
• CHER(YL)-WILLIAM ~ Sigh. How "innovative". It would actually have been innovative if they had put Cher with, oh I don't know, Julie Andrews or someone and mixed together the old sound with something new and current. Instead it's a truly iffy version of the already horribly shouty I Gotta Feeling. I weep at the fact that some people actually think she is Britain's best hope for a new musical future. Please. DeeDee was doing this a year ago!! And many others - they just haven't had this platform. Sigh.

Then it all goes a bit timewasty. Rihanna sings. Surely it's like her fifth time on the show?! Good grief. Christina sings. Express. From Burlesque. A film i actually liked, though 3 years of Veronica Mars had me rooting for Nikki. Oh screw this, who is going? IT'S CHER!!! I'm delighted, but I do feel bad for theblogthatmarkwrote Mark. I do have some feelings after all. Right, on with the party :) (BACK WITH PART TWO SOON!)

THE FINAL PART OF THE FINAL!!

Apparently it will change people's lives if they win. Yes indeed, they can enjoy a not top 40 hit like poor Joe McElderry. He is the new Leon Jackson. Not even the new Narnia film could help him. Dermot is in a tux tonight and looks almost as good as I did last night in my tux :P Simon has almost no buttons done up on his shirt and it is a bit nauseating. Dannii looks well festive while Cheryl looks like - well ok she actually for once looks quite decent tonight. Yes, i'm not dissing the Tweed. Amazing.

• FINALISTS NUMBER ~ Ooo they are doing the 3rd best Take That song ever, Never Forget. One Direction forget to sound brillinat for a few seconds but soon overcome this. Rebecca sounds odd but only in the way that you are not used to the song being sung this way. Matt sings it in the most traditional way, so sounds most familiar ie, best. It's all very nice actually except Rebecca who is ruining it for me. Oh screw all that Take That are here. Yay for Howard being in the middle and yay for Gary looking more DILF-y than ever. Delish factor. "Soon, this will be someone elses dream." Yes, I'll be back to blog that person's dream in 2011. Tear.
• MATT ~ You just know that pre-X-Factor Matt was busy slagging off the show for destroying real music. Bless. Poor Darren is hoping they don't do ballads tonight. I fear he will be grossly disappointed. Ooo, this is actually almost dance-rave-disco remix for Matt, so Darren is beaming. He makes Firework by Katy Peepee sound rather good actually. I even like his yellow trousers. I thought it was just the lights at first. I hope they are not yellow because he has pissed himself with nerves! The dancers are doing their best Joe McElderry fist the air dance moves. I feel positively jolly. The judges are (not shockingly) on their feet. This will happen a lot tonight.
• ONE DIRECTION ~ i still have the wand erection infection. I think I would quite like them to win!! If only to see the dramas unfold between them over the next few years... Ooo they are doing Torn by Natalie Imbruglia, which I believe they did at Simon's house. And it sounded rather lovely then too (as it does now). I suspect blogthatmarkwrote will not be happy by this though. There is a lot of grinning for such a sad song but they have an absolute right to enjoy the moment. How come my hair never grows like L.I.Ams when I grow it?! The VT with Michelle from Corrie is death. Oh I so want them to win...
• REBECCA ~ Can you imagine Cheryl saying "we've all taken this girl to our hearts as a nation" about Cher? Or Katie? No. This would never happen. There is no getting around that Rebecca is this years Stacey. So I'm dying to see Rebecca in the jungle next year eating kangaroo testicles. Ooo she's doing the Australian x factor contestant (whose name I forget) version of Sweet Dreams. Which is rather magnificent - this could actually win Rebecca the contest. God, she'll be doing a cover of Just Dance or Poker Face next! It's very Gaga, only she isn't dancing. She has hot men in bin bags doing that for her... I liked that. A lot. Louis cums in his cumerband.

It's best not to mention the group number of failed auditionees to be honest, because a) it wasn't really any worse than some of the live show numbers and b) it was a disaster because there was no punching, though the hooker was all over the place pretending she could sing. Anyway, it's time for the final two. But first a break! I'm so tense. This is almost as tense as the Coronation St tram crash, which was well dramat. Oh no :( I mean it should be a Rebecca-Matt final, but a little bit of me had totally fallen for One Direction and I'm really quite sad that they have gone. Yes, they will get a record deal but there little faces just broke my heart. Sniffle :(

• MATT'S WINNERS SONG ~ Dannii says it's especially for you. I'm assuming it's not the Kylie-Jason song and just a turn of phrase. It's a bit of a grower to start with, to be fair. The chorus is a bit better and starts to get a bit of oomph about it. And he points at his eye when he says he's got Gilligan's eyes (he wants them back). I think Matt has a long blonde hair stuck to his chin! What on earth has he been doing?!?! KEY CHANGE!! A key change can save any song. Possibly this too. Oh I really want to like it (and I probably will by the end of the week), but for now I'm a little disappointed... I do love the touching family bits though. Oh gosh, I'm all emotional.
• REBECCA'S WINNERS SONG ~ without a doubt, rebecca should've covered Marie Picasso's Winning Streak. Instead we get Duffy, but it works for Rebecca and she absolutely outshines Matt with violinists and a breathtaking performance. I love this from the onset, though I need to go and revisit Matt. Oh what do I know, i'm still sad from One Direction leaving. This is very lovely though. I'll revisit Matt's song during the break. God blogging this live must be so tedious for you. I have no edit button!
• TAKE THAT ~ Ooo it's the Robbie Williams show weekend. And point of fact Dermot, this is not strictly the title track, although it's quote. Didn't they already sing this on the show? Perhaps it will merge into a medley... Nope. They don't. Hopefully Mark won't be as overstimulated as last time. He was like a puppy having swallowed his owner's viagara. Jason looks like he's just going through the motions, but to be fair they've been on more tv shows and done more performances this weekend than Matt and Rebecca combined. Good grief. Still, it's nice that Robbie got to practice being lead singer yesterday with One Direction for today's performance...

THE RESULT ~ so the most dragged out singing competition ever (it seems) has come to an end and all that remains is to crown the winner. It's been a journey hasn't it? Thank you for reading my blog on it every week - your comments have been quite wonderful to read and added to my enjoyment :) Please do comment on the finale and how you've enjoyed/hated the show this year!! I feel all tense and nervous in my shoulder region. This is the longest drawn out moment since Josie won Big Brother! IT'S (long pause, longer pause) MATT! VIVA TEAM DANNII. And that's it. I still want Rebecca's single though. Thanks for doing the journey with me. Good night.