Lopez Blogs

Ok, settle in people, grab yourself a nice Christmas beverage and make yourself comfortable, because this could take a little while...

• Chavvy family next to us in Manchester Airport waiting room got cautioned for their behaviour in the duty free shop by the police!! no idea why despite copious eavesdropping. Wife storms off tripping over a bag in the process, runing her already less than graceful exit...
• Chavvy family hubby and wife spotted canoodling like newlyweds in line to get on the plane. This has a repulsive level of ten because it was like two vacuum cleaner nozzles going to war...
• Thanks to a dazzling smile I gave check in twink, Darren and I are only people on packed plane to have three seats between the two of us. This is very good because we can stretch out. This is also very bad because I have to reach across an empty seat to gave Darren a handjob when the lights go down...
• I am obviously joking about the point above...
• All the gays on the plane are watching Mamma Miz. You can tell because they are all acting out the bit during Dancing Queen where the old lady throws the twigs away (she is so going to regret that when she has to go and pick them all up again). I turn to roll my eyes at Darren but he is doing the dance routing the dancing queens do on the pier before falling in the water. Oh. Dear. God.
• To distract themselves from turbulence, the loved up gays in front of us discuss which gossip guy is fittest. To distract myself from turbulence, I mentally contribute. Chace is the jock you date first year of college, Penn is the long term sensitive boyfriend and Ed is the dirty sleazy bootie call who, before you've even gotten through the door, has cupped your balls, stroked the shaft, worked the pipe and gobbled down the gravy...
• Thanks to jet lag, I am up first day at a ridiculous 3.30am. I curse time travel and reacquaint myself with the first season of the amazing Veronica Mars. She is a marshmallow...
• At Universal, I do not appreciate Darren loudly proclaiming in the line for the Simpsons ride that I am a cross between Martin Prince and Professor Frink with a sprinkling of Rod & Todd. I definitely do not appreciate the woman in front, nodding in apparent agreement.
• And yes, the Simpsons ride is a brilliant commentary and satire on the excess of theme parks, but is most hilarious when Homer shouts "ow my own bosoms are slapping me!" May i never ever happen to me...
• Darren takes part in interactive Disaster Ride feature. Screams like a girl in front of the green screen. Crowd applaud like crazy - bizarre! One man slaps Darren so hard on back in congrats on way out that monsieur Pants almost loses a tooth...
• Beetlejuice the Musical Revue is not very good at all. I'm sure Frankenstein's Monster (looking like a cross between Disco Stu and Elphaba) is coming onto me, and please, that is so not going to happen!
• Hollywood Studios is packed full of people wearing Mickey top hats and Minnie veils. Humourless couple in front are not amused when I ask if today is Disney Moonie wedding day. Darren laughs like a loon on loon tablets at a loon convention.
• Parade is brilliant. Full of Simon Curtis mini-mes. I look forward to a more Spectacular version at Universal studios next year...
• Toy Story Mania 4D is wii-rific. The line is very very long indeed. I'm pretty sure the woman in front with a newborn in her arms was pregnant when we joined the queue...
• It was quite rainy on the first Tuesday so we do the sensible thing and go to the Aquatica water park. The aqaut part rhymes with how Ari Gold says twat. Brilliant. It is totally empty apart from sturdy British folks like DazSpeedo and myself...
• Afterwards we trot over the road to Seaworld, but only for the rollercoasters and the Polar Express christmas ride. We do not like Shamu. When we tell people that little fact, they look at us like we personally nailed Jesus to the cross, or how Ross reacts when he finds out that Phoebe does not like Pottery Barn...
• Though, actually, if we lived in Florida or any US state, our apartment would be full of Pottery Barn purchases. It is quite nice, depending on what they have on offer, because it is also pretentiously expensive.
• Island of Adventure is tres busylement indeedio. Shouldn't people be at home celebrating giving thanks with their loved ones? Bah humbug. On the plus side, the nerd (Not Even Remotely Dorky) in me does like the Ministry of Magic decrees announcing the in-progress Harry Potter world...
• Randomly I see a car being towed with a MUDBLD registration plate. I am hoping it belongs to a proud dual heritage person rather than some racist redneck hick...
• Thanksgiving aka the longest day known to man starts at 8am at Disney's Magic Kingdom. The world and his bitch is there. Lines are so long that if you follow them with your eyes you can see the earth's curve. Thanks to some intelligent fast passing and a lo-oooo-ot of walking, we actually did ok.
• The wet rides always make me titter when grown men complain "oh my fanny is soaking" - fanny is of course a lady garden of goodies in England so I and Darren often titter at the word and a man having a fanny. Tranny. Marv.
• I was very disappointed that I was not flooded with "happy thanksgiving" declarations of joy. Sure, I am English and ate at macdonalds, but i did keep half beaming at people until some nice Granny said "happy thanksgiving" to me. "Happy thanksgiving" i enthused back. "Faggot" her husband spat. "No just English" I smiled, skipping away to the sounds of granny berating her bigot spouse...
• PS the fireworks parade was utterly magnif.
• Early shopping trip to the mall didn't yield much post thanksgiving fruits. Packed full of large people in electric wheelchairs who are surprisingly spry and walky when they spot a bargain/pretzel cart.
• Toilets at the mall are those automatic flush ones. I think mine was defective. It kept flushing mid "business". It was like a surprise bidet. The rudeness. Of course then it didn't flush when I stood up so I had to wave my hand in front of the sensor for ages and ages. I despair.
• Got burnt to a crisp at Wet n Wild and then got lost on way to meet Olga and Yuri so the historic summit never took place. Boo you whores. And us whores. And all whores.

More tomorrow. I bet you are pissing yourselves with excitement aren't you?!
(static photos here if slideshow is too annoying!)