Lopez Blogs

Holiday Diaries _ April 06

Hello all - wow was so pleased to see so many people had visited the site over the 2 weeks i was off :) I'm back now and have a cacophany of things to post over the next week or so. There will definitely be at least one update a day - if not more... including some of the following:

• the holiday diaries and photos...
• Slit watch (darrens operation progress - he goes in to have part a disc in his neck removed on tuesday :( )...
• Wedding watch - a diary of all the stuff going on until my civil partnership in June
• And lots of new music i don't think anyone has covered yet :)
• Plus probably some slagging off of Keane. I am uber disappointed :(

Still was all forgotten after an evening at my fave cabaret bar La Belle. Its been going for years now but after a fire last year is under new management (showgirls of manchester) and this is the first time i have seen the new show. i loved it! With their spot on dance routines of Christina, Britney and Madonna's MTV award 3 way, Moulin Rouge, Chantelle does Popular from Wicked and a hilariously inventive tribute to the Wizard of Oz (tin man teaches Dorothy how to erm , let him in her back door :O ) it was slick and funny from start to finish :)

The laziest day ever. Just lounged around the terrace of our cute little bungalow. Darren got an electric shock from the toaster & stereo when he plugged them in.

His nipples popped right out. It was quite the sight!! Luckily he was ok and we had to wait ages for a replacement toaster and I was starving :( Darren entertained me with his new popped out nipples and did a "sexy" dance. Unforch for the little dazpanteloons, the guy arrived with the toaster just as daz was slathering himself "erotically" with tanning lotion. Toaster guy was bemused (but secretly aroused methinks) and daz way embarrassed. I was tittering for England. Although I did have to throw a magazine quickly over my lap ;)

Quick aside: remind to tell the story of a similar but more nude incident in an airport hotel from a few years ago. I could have died...

Evening was spent boozing it up in Center Stage and Bar Tubos. CS has this great atmosphere and we get on really well with the bar staff there, especially our fave Betty (hi Gez!!). You always end up singing some show tune with random strangers...

But you can't beat finishing off the night in Bar Tubos with 50 guys all saluting and marching on the spot to Your Disco Needs You :) Well, you cou8ld be parading around with some random sticker on your crotch (daz) or you could be dancing to MTV Awards style Madonna Vogue and accidentally thumb someone in the ye when pretending to flick your fan open (me) and then be annoyed when the don't accept your amusing Ich Bin Drovig apology; or drop your burger on the floor on the way home but choose to eat it anyway (darren!) Its all good!!

Tuesday 18th April...

Took a leisurely walk along the beach today which was perfectly lovely until we realised it was actually quite cloudy, not very warm and actually pretty bloody windy! We decided to abandon our beach plans and took a "short" cut through the sand dunes back to the bungalow. Windy samd dunes are a freaking nightmare to navigate and some were pretty steep. I had this brief feeling that we would be marooned there forever like some sad extras from Ishtar hoping that the film was going to be their big break. AHEM! Still clearly made it back, although seeing Darren hurtle down a dune at breakneck speed was pretty amusing. For me :)


Typically as soon as we got back, the clouds cleared and glorious weather prevailed. Lovely evening out apart from 2 low points: a way below par chinese meal and finding a cockroach in my bed. I screamed like a little bitch. MAJOR SHUDDER!

Wednesday 19th April...

Friday 21st April...

Refreshed after a good nights sleep - despite fear of cockroaches in my bed - so drove along the windy cliffs of death to the incredibly pretty fishing town of Mogan. It is the most gorgeous picturesque relaxing place on earth. The houses are incredible and on fridays it is market day so you can buy all local food and jewellry as well as cigarette lighters "hilariously" shaped as penises. *Shakes head* It really just devalues the neighbour hood doesn't it!! Still after two hours was bored rigid with the prettiness and relaxation so went back to trashy Playa for a quick peek at blogs and some sun worship...

had a brillo night at Center Stage. Betty tried to invent a new drink for me but we ended up with the jaffa cake tasting Tia Maria and orange juice. Not wildly creative but wildly delicious all the same. Met a rather adorable couple from the island - Steve and Eugene - who are sadly only around til Monday. Spent most of the night gabbing with them and knocking back drink after drink! Tried beer for the first time ever (really!). I must have liked it cos I knocked it back like it was barley water... Darren was most offended to be told he'd make a good drag queen but that didn't stop him prancing around the bar to the campest song ever (see below) with a veil on. Hmmm...

MP3: Billy Flywheel-around the old campfire

Saturday 22nd April...

Gosh, one week already. Usually we are preparing to go home at this point, so it seems quite luxurious to be staying another week. Finished off my book Peter and the Starcatchers, which is a prequel to Peter Pan. It started off quite slow and then got all gripping. It does a really good job of *pre-inventing* the world of Never Land and why Peter and the boys end up there with the powers they have. And i just get my heart tugged at books that have those 'everythings going to change forever' endings that are just too much like real life not to be sad at :( So all in all, tres bon!

Went shopping today - i love the clothes shop Springfield! It is like a more european version of the gap, employs attractive staff who sometimes still bare scars from recent nose jobs and have a killer line of clobber that i will have to go back for later in the week to plunder!! Was far too fatigued from last nights boozing to powershop so got a macdonalds (in the gayest bag ever!) and came back to have a lovely evening out with Betty, Steve and Eugene. Can't remember much of it but we were drunkenly doing Catherine Tate sketches which most have been most annoying for everyone around us... Was drunkenly skipping home with them all, when my Gap sandal (which eugene said is sexy to wear with jeans - i think he was serious but you can never tell!) went flying and cracked an over head light in the Yumbo! We all ran off giggling like little schoolgirls. I hope there isn't CCTV. What is criminal in spanish anyway??

Sunday 23rd April...

Poor dazpants comatose all day due to neck pains, poor lamb. Onto the next! Happy St Georges day!

Monday 24th April 2006

Woke up early to return the not very used at all rental car, came back to do laundry (there are only so many times you turn your actually quite fabulous aussie bum underwear inside out ya know!) in the most noisy communal (ew) washing machine ever, hung them out to dry (hoping none of the poorer gays would steal our undies ;) ) and then went wedding ring shopping. Found the most darling matching rings so snapped them up dead quick like... you just know that darren can't wait to get his ring on my finger, fnar fnar.

Came back, did 30 laps of the pool which damn near killed me thanks to my holiday diet of booze and, er, more booze, so quickly collapsed and finished my 4th book of the holidays (following the hilarious Girl 16-Pants on Fire; the criminally under-researched Take That biography and afore mentioned Peter Pan prequel) Septimus Heap: Book1. At first i passed it off as another Harry Potter clone, but it turned out to be so much more than that... It is about a magic family and a son who has a destiny, but the parents live and the 7th son of a 7th son is stolen at birth. It may be a kids book but along with Harry Potter and my all time fave Wicked, it explores themes of good and evil, nature vs nurture and choice vs destiny. I really enjoyed it and can't wait for book two...


Went out with Betty (Gez) in the evening to various bars and go to hear all the scandal and gossip from the island which was maaarvelous ;) The newly opened QE2 has an evil evil bartender who kept feeding us shots all night culminating in absinthe - the drink that turns Kylie into a fairy in Moulin Rouge. I'm not sure about me being a fairy, but it sure did have a mighty kick and I spent several sconds gasping for breath and dribbling attractively on the floor which I'm sure brings all the boys to my yard. Or something. Luckily i have already bagged Darren so I can let myself go now... Of course ended up drunk in Bar Tubos who played Madonna MTV Vogue in my honour and even gave me my own Bar Tubos fan to prevent any more thumb related injuries. Brillo

Tuesday 25th April 2006

It's getting harder to write about what we did all day - especially as I am jotting these thoughts down 24 hours after the fact. The Abstinence shots as I now call them (I certainly wasn't in the mood :O ) did weird things to me and i slept all afternoon having weird dreams and that is too many weirds in once sentence. Barely choked down this vile ravioli style dinner but devoured a KFC later on. Honestly i was ready to go home today - my holiday spirit is as over as Janet Jackson's career. And darren just played PSP all day! Rude!! Luckily had a good nights sleep and now ready to face the world again ;)

Wednesday 26th April 2006

Walked along the beach from Playa to Maspalomas - or MassyP as i call it - which sounds idyllic and is once you've passed the nudist section full of weightwatchers failures with their nipples bouncing off their knees. I seriously thought it would be impossible to have a camel toe while naked but this one woman proved me wrong. Shudder... Still it was quite lovely apart from that but killed me off. It's like when we first went to vegas and decided to walk from the stratosphere to mandalay bay. Its a LOT further than it looks...


Loverlee evening out at La Belle. Was rather pleased to find that the new metallic hand dryers made my reflection look quite tall and slim so spent slightly too long drying my hands admiring my new svelte figure when suddenly two horrid little boy things burst out of the same cubicle (?!) and said "Bitch could you not like totally listen to our conversation" before mincing off!!!!! I'd like to say i thought of some tart retort but honestly i just stood there like a stunned mullet with a face like Ashton Kutcher in Just Married when he bursts in on the boy in the airplane toilet :O But still looked tall and svelte in distorted reflection and thats all that matters. Soon got back into the swing of things learning dance routines to 9to5, Build Me up Buttercup and - lord help me - the Barbara Woodhouse song. Christ on a bike!!

Thursday 27th April 2006

Oh my stars, this holiday is going on forever and a day. I'm exhausted by it all. There is only so much sun sea sand nightlife and nookie a boy can take. I'm only 6 days off 32 you know!! So another day has passed by in a blur of BWO cds, wine, bad food and cabaret. I think it must be cockroach season here. There are hundreds of the little buggers running around all the live long day :( I feel like i am in the movie slither. Except i am starring in it and it will probably be called COCK! The locals barely bat an eye at them but i am running screaming everytime i see one. I had to drown one of the feisty little critters in the shower then leave a glass over its lifeless body for the maid to dispose of. I'm so masculine ;)

Friday 28th April 2006