Lopez Blogs

I am back from FloRida and have the coming home from holiday blues :( Surely the X Factor will cheer me up?! While I was away, Wagner went, ding dong the witch is dead (bye bye Katie) and poor Mary got royally shafted (I received the news via text on Toy Story Midway Mania at Hollywood Studios). What happened to public vote only in the penultimate week? Oh right, William (i'm not doing the dots) had already been booked for Cher(yl) so they had to find a way to get her through to the final. Sigh. I wouldn't be surprised if in part one they have a bottom two and the judges get to choose and then a top two and the judges get to choose just so they can make Cher(yl) the winner!! Ooo i am grumpy! Ok, on with the show...

So everyone wants to win. Of course. I'm not sure having an x-factor/christmas party and blogging it is the best idea. I feel like a poor host and a rubbish blogger. Still, i've done some lovely nibbles (it's not just moms who go to iceland!) and am wearing a rather foxy tux-meets-casual outfit so it all balances out. They show people from the home towns cheering. The crowd looks a bit thin in Cher(yl)'s home town of Malvern. Shame eh... Hurrah! The judges are coming on. Oh christ. Dannii has definitely won the style wars this year. Cheryl looks like an out of date Yoghurt from the reduced section of tesco. (Mary probably marked her down).

• GROUP NO ~ I've forgotten who half these people are. I think that's the jetlag. Cher 'raps' for far too long and receives much more stage time than anyone else. This is not her fault, it just shows that someone desperately wants her to win, perhaps to give the x-factor some credibility. It does not need this, it needs Joe to get in the top forty with Someone Wake Me Up (he won't apparently. sniffle). It all sounds a bit crap to be honest and not the best start to an x-factor finale i've ever seen. AND my braces/suspenders snap off my new pantaloons and grieviously injure my noggin. I'm proper fuming and ow-ie. I'm a bit miffed as it tops off my ensemble, but i'm not getting changed now...
• MATT ~ I guarantee Cher will be last :( Anyway, I can't hear what Dannii is saying as everyone is talking about the new Narnia film (which is very good. Edmund grows up and is magnificent. Woo). Matt goes home and gets cheered a lot. He has horrible posture. He also cries a lot. They ask some young girl how much she loves Matt and i'm pretty sure she says "more than my mom". What a kick in the knickers for the birth giver! Matt has scrubbed up well, but I feel the guitar was a mistake. I wonder if Simon will give him some of David Cook's songs. It's good - like one of those youtube wannabes you hear while idly wasting time. He has some veiled nuns behind him. CherylYoghurtPot has got her hair scraped back to within an inch of her life. She looks well chav. Wagner will feel rattified. The Stacey-from-last-year (ie, what will happen to Rebecca if she doesn't win, sadly) video link is a big fat bust.
• REBECCA ~ Apparently Rebecca did a fast song last week. I am in shock. Someone drunkenly tries to re-enact it for me, but i don't think they do it justice. Rebecca takes CherylYoghurtPot home - you can see the Tweed practically gripping onto the taser in her clutch purse! Wagner will feel rattified. Sigh - no fast songs this week for Rebecca. They just plop her in the middle of the stage on a giant platform like she's been wheeled in a la Hannibal Lecteur. They do spin her clockwise on it and she descends! I want to see what happens if they spin her the other way! Ooo she could be the new WonderWoman! In her gorgeous dress she looks like one of those knitted dolls my grandma used to pop over toilet rolls for some reason in the bathroom!! CherylYoghurtPot respects her as a woman and her dignity and class. Many jokes abound while people appreciate my winter fruit dip with pear slices (I got the recipe from the Mrs Miracle book. It's delish).

• ONE DIRECTION ~ They have to go all over the country for One Direction. Including HMV. Lots of girls scream loudly and a mop is needed for their gushing. I am mortified when one of the ace gang makes a hugely inappropriate joke about L.I.Am (he can have the dots). Clearly she has the Wand Erection Infection. Even more mortifying is when someone says "ooo they are doing Ellie Goulding". For shame. Clearly it is Elton John and Your Song. As it has snow in the background and looks all Christmassy, i am smitten. It's sort of brilliant, though that could be the snow blindness and the generous backing vocals. CherylYoghurtPot says she always enjoys Wand Erection. It's obvious. Her hand is never above the desk when they are on!! Even better, is when the number comes up for voting and L.I.Am moves Zain out the way in case he is blocking the camera's line of vision to him! Chortle.
• CHER(YL) ~ Last. Shock. Look, I seem a bit harsh on Cher(yl) when it's not really her fault. It's the X-Factor that have created a monster. They have taken some glue guns, lollipop sticks, a ghastly wardrobe, some tangled wool and a bratz doll (see below) and made Cher. Then had the audacity to call her the most innovative musical artist in the UK right now. Because she raps things like "i hear jerusalem bells a ring a ding dinging". And because she is 17 and because everyone likes to hear praise, of course she believes it and this makes her come across as arrogant and cocky. And even worse, next year will be flooded with people trying to rap. Christ alive. Anyway, she sings to some five year olds in her home town. This will ruin her "ghetto, best new innovative artist in the universe" image. She does that 3-6-9 song and not ery well. She then does Get Ur Freak On. She's the new Wagner - she does 2 songs! Oh it's ghastly. I look around the room and even the Cher(yl) fans in the room look a bit gobsmacked. Dannii basically says "you're not in the final are you luv" but in a really nice professional way. Snap, etc. Simon says she is innovative. yes, doing a cover version is truly innovative. CherylYoghurtPot says she saw something in Cher(yl). Yes, half the men in Malvern. Guffaw. Scott Mills made a right tit of himself on the video link too...

• MATT-RIHANNA ~ For some reason Matt has one hand behind his back. Perhaps Louis gave him one for luck before he went on and he's still a bit sore. Rihanna comes on and duets with Matt. Good thing there is fire on the stage as there is no heat between them. I'm half convinced Matt will honk her norks once the song is finished. He doesn't, of course...
• REBECCA-XTINA ~ Oh god, a ballad. I try to choke myself on a Reeses Peanut Butter Cup but Gareth Ace Gang heimlichs me so I have to endure it. Poor Rebecca (who I do think is "world class", etc) is totally outshined by Christina. Maybe they will do the Madonna kiss at the end. You can see Christina looking at Rebecca thinking "why the fuss are you dressed like an Egyptian empress?" Bless...
• ONE DIRECTION-ROBBIE ~ I'm a bit disappointed with the "oh it's Robbie". Robbie has always been a bit car crash on the x-factor hasn't he? Detracting from Robbie and his new backing band (no not take that, you wags) is the look on the boys faces as they try to out Alexandra Alexandra Burke when she snotted all over Beyonce. Surely they rehearsed so this isn't a surprise?!
• CHER(YL)-WILLIAM ~ Sigh. How "innovative". It would actually have been innovative if they had put Cher with, oh I don't know, Julie Andrews or someone and mixed together the old sound with something new and current. Instead it's a truly iffy version of the already horribly shouty I Gotta Feeling. I weep at the fact that some people actually think she is Britain's best hope for a new musical future. Please. DeeDee was doing this a year ago!! And many others - they just haven't had this platform. Sigh.

Then it all goes a bit timewasty. Rihanna sings. Surely it's like her fifth time on the show?! Good grief. Christina sings. Express. From Burlesque. A film i actually liked, though 3 years of Veronica Mars had me rooting for Nikki. Oh screw this, who is going? IT'S CHER!!! I'm delighted, but I do feel bad for theblogthatmarkwrote Mark. I do have some feelings after all. Right, on with the party :) (BACK WITH PART TWO SOON!)

THE FINAL PART OF THE FINAL!!

Apparently it will change people's lives if they win. Yes indeed, they can enjoy a not top 40 hit like poor Joe McElderry. He is the new Leon Jackson. Not even the new Narnia film could help him. Dermot is in a tux tonight and looks almost as good as I did last night in my tux :P Simon has almost no buttons done up on his shirt and it is a bit nauseating. Dannii looks well festive while Cheryl looks like - well ok she actually for once looks quite decent tonight. Yes, i'm not dissing the Tweed. Amazing.

• FINALISTS NUMBER ~ Ooo they are doing the 3rd best Take That song ever, Never Forget. One Direction forget to sound brillinat for a few seconds but soon overcome this. Rebecca sounds odd but only in the way that you are not used to the song being sung this way. Matt sings it in the most traditional way, so sounds most familiar ie, best. It's all very nice actually except Rebecca who is ruining it for me. Oh screw all that Take That are here. Yay for Howard being in the middle and yay for Gary looking more DILF-y than ever. Delish factor. "Soon, this will be someone elses dream." Yes, I'll be back to blog that person's dream in 2011. Tear.
• MATT ~ You just know that pre-X-Factor Matt was busy slagging off the show for destroying real music. Bless. Poor Darren is hoping they don't do ballads tonight. I fear he will be grossly disappointed. Ooo, this is actually almost dance-rave-disco remix for Matt, so Darren is beaming. He makes Firework by Katy Peepee sound rather good actually. I even like his yellow trousers. I thought it was just the lights at first. I hope they are not yellow because he has pissed himself with nerves! The dancers are doing their best Joe McElderry fist the air dance moves. I feel positively jolly. The judges are (not shockingly) on their feet. This will happen a lot tonight.
• ONE DIRECTION ~ i still have the wand erection infection. I think I would quite like them to win!! If only to see the dramas unfold between them over the next few years... Ooo they are doing Torn by Natalie Imbruglia, which I believe they did at Simon's house. And it sounded rather lovely then too (as it does now). I suspect blogthatmarkwrote will not be happy by this though. There is a lot of grinning for such a sad song but they have an absolute right to enjoy the moment. How come my hair never grows like L.I.Ams when I grow it?! The VT with Michelle from Corrie is death. Oh I so want them to win...
• REBECCA ~ Can you imagine Cheryl saying "we've all taken this girl to our hearts as a nation" about Cher? Or Katie? No. This would never happen. There is no getting around that Rebecca is this years Stacey. So I'm dying to see Rebecca in the jungle next year eating kangaroo testicles. Ooo she's doing the Australian x factor contestant (whose name I forget) version of Sweet Dreams. Which is rather magnificent - this could actually win Rebecca the contest. God, she'll be doing a cover of Just Dance or Poker Face next! It's very Gaga, only she isn't dancing. She has hot men in bin bags doing that for her... I liked that. A lot. Louis cums in his cumerband.

It's best not to mention the group number of failed auditionees to be honest, because a) it wasn't really any worse than some of the live show numbers and b) it was a disaster because there was no punching, though the hooker was all over the place pretending she could sing. Anyway, it's time for the final two. But first a break! I'm so tense. This is almost as tense as the Coronation St tram crash, which was well dramat. Oh no :( I mean it should be a Rebecca-Matt final, but a little bit of me had totally fallen for One Direction and I'm really quite sad that they have gone. Yes, they will get a record deal but there little faces just broke my heart. Sniffle :(

• MATT'S WINNERS SONG ~ Dannii says it's especially for you. I'm assuming it's not the Kylie-Jason song and just a turn of phrase. It's a bit of a grower to start with, to be fair. The chorus is a bit better and starts to get a bit of oomph about it. And he points at his eye when he says he's got Gilligan's eyes (he wants them back). I think Matt has a long blonde hair stuck to his chin! What on earth has he been doing?!?! KEY CHANGE!! A key change can save any song. Possibly this too. Oh I really want to like it (and I probably will by the end of the week), but for now I'm a little disappointed... I do love the touching family bits though. Oh gosh, I'm all emotional.
• REBECCA'S WINNERS SONG ~ without a doubt, rebecca should've covered Marie Picasso's Winning Streak. Instead we get Duffy, but it works for Rebecca and she absolutely outshines Matt with violinists and a breathtaking performance. I love this from the onset, though I need to go and revisit Matt. Oh what do I know, i'm still sad from One Direction leaving. This is very lovely though. I'll revisit Matt's song during the break. God blogging this live must be so tedious for you. I have no edit button!
• TAKE THAT ~ Ooo it's the Robbie Williams show weekend. And point of fact Dermot, this is not strictly the title track, although it's quote. Didn't they already sing this on the show? Perhaps it will merge into a medley... Nope. They don't. Hopefully Mark won't be as overstimulated as last time. He was like a puppy having swallowed his owner's viagara. Jason looks like he's just going through the motions, but to be fair they've been on more tv shows and done more performances this weekend than Matt and Rebecca combined. Good grief. Still, it's nice that Robbie got to practice being lead singer yesterday with One Direction for today's performance...

THE RESULT ~ so the most dragged out singing competition ever (it seems) has come to an end and all that remains is to crown the winner. It's been a journey hasn't it? Thank you for reading my blog on it every week - your comments have been quite wonderful to read and added to my enjoyment :) Please do comment on the finale and how you've enjoyed/hated the show this year!! I feel all tense and nervous in my shoulder region. This is the longest drawn out moment since Josie won Big Brother! IT'S (long pause, longer pause) MATT! VIVA TEAM DANNII. And that's it. I still want Rebecca's single though. Thanks for doing the journey with me. Good night.

Yes your Saturday night starts right here. Mine doesn't. I'm still in the good ol' US of A. So once again, return the favour of the endless weeks of blogging I've done for you and let me know what's going on in the comments section of the blog. I will be back next Sat with all the gossip from my x factor finale party and all the gossip of the final two episodes. Are you excited. you should be! I have no idea whose left or remaining as I write this so here are my top 5 fave x-factor performances from years gone by and top 5 fave christmas factor performances (both in descending order)...

Regular:

• G4 ~ Circle of Life: Ah the first series of x-factor when that harriden sharon osbourne was still involved, when Steve Brookstein inexplicably won and when only half the people watching now bothered to tune in. Still, as I had once seen G4 perform this song at Trafalgar Square, I was hooked on them the moment I saw them audition for the show and they bought something a little bit different to the reality music show genre. They had many weird and wonderful performances during their time on the x-factor, but this is my favourite of theirs...
• Leona Lewis ~ Summertime: Yes, Fantasia may have done it first and wowed everyone on American Idol but during 2006 Leona's pipes blew everyone away. This song in the x-factor finale proved that there was no way gurning Ray Quinn could win and the rest, as they say, is history...
• Stacey Solomon ~ Something About The Way You Look Tonight: My fave Elton song and a perennial x factor fave, my beloved Stacey was diva like yet humble and elegant when she belted this out. Yes she's sitting on a piano, which is my pet peeve but after hearing this it was totally forgiveable. Tragic to see her reduced to I'm A Celebrity...:(
• Same Difference ~ I Don't Feel Like Dancing: One of my fave x-factor groups ever (and their new single Karma Karma is AMAZING), this performance was utter bonkers - Sean comes riding on stage on a tricycle and all the toys come to life. There's even a dance routine, which you don't see often enough on the x factor. Magnificent!
• Shayne Ward ~ Somewhere Over The Rainbow: My favourite favourite x-factor performance ever. I just think it showed that the x-factor was absolutely capable of finding someone with genuine pop magic after the Brookstein debacle. Some of the notes Shayne holds in this are outstanding. Shame his career was all but swept aside once Leona won. Sigh.

Christmas:

• JLS ~ Last Christmas: The year I was convinced a boy band was going to win, and in a way they did anyway. They did an utterly sincere and utterly charming version of the Wham classic without being overly cheesy and I still listen to it occasionally at Christmas a few years on.
• G4 ~ O Holy Night: Ooo bringing a bit of pomp and circumstance to the x-factor, the true winners of year one absolutely nailed every note and nuance of this reverent hymn. Magnificent from start to finish and yes, they look quite good in suits.
• Alexandra Burke ~ Silent Night: I think i was a bit unfair to Alexandra at the time because I so desperately wanted JLS to win. On reflection she did some great performances and this one was up there with the best. Tinged with gospel she knew how to command the stage, the judges and the audience and ultimately that is what led her to victory...
• Shayne Ward ~ When A Child Is Born: It was a great night for Shayne with his Judy Garland cover (above) and this was almost but not quite as great. Still a wonderful version of one of my favourite tunes and had his career been handled properly this would have been a Christmas 2006 single as an AA side with a studio version of Somewhere Over The Rainbow. Oh what might have been.
• Same Difference ~ All I Want For Christmas Is You: Utter joy from start to finish. They fly. There's glitter. They smile. It's joyous and glorious and magnificent. I've seen them perform it live too and it's just as wonderful. Can't wait for their new album in the new year :)

So did I miss off your fave performance? Are we shocked at who has made the final next week? Let me know your thoughts!

It's both comforting and terrifying that I have now been blogging every move of the x-factor for 15 long weeks now. That is over a quarter of the entire 2010. And yet, I cannot remember a time before it began! This week is rock week and the contestants get to sing two songs! I will not be here however. I will be in Florida getting my Disney on, so I was hoping you would all do me a little favour. In the comments section for the next two weeks, perhaps you could all update me on what is happening, who was good, how awful Katie was etc. I'm having a self imposed internet break for 2 weeks, but your comments will be sent straight to my phone as texts. How magical technology is. You can update me in real time you lazy bums :) That would be terrific. I thank you.

I still want to play my fizzypop x factor contestants game though, so I've picked out one rock song and one song of my choice for each of this week's contestants... 'Ere we go then...

PRINCES AND ROGUES:

If i got my finger out before I went on holiday, I should have a nice interview opportunity taking place right now with my fave new boyband. And it should be ready for you to read upon my return. Fingers crossed!! What I absolutely adore about Princes and Rogues is that they seem to be absolutely charming fellas, they have really honed the 80s geek chic image beyond their clothes but into their performances too and they genuinely have a great blend of voices. Putting 5 voices together isn't hard, but making the strengths play off each other is. I am so eager to see what else they can do in the new year...

• Rock choice ~ Damn, I Wish I Was Your Lover (Sophie B Hawkins): Not only one of my favourite songs of the 90s, but one that i've always thought a boy band could do justice too. Imagine taking this yearning plea for companionship and giving it a harmonised sheen. Imagine the chorus being more clipped, rounding off the notes instead of dragging them out. Imagine the backing harmonies creating a lush soundscape for the main vocals in the verses and particularly the middle eight. It would be magnificent. Trust me.
• My choice ~ Red (Daniel Merriweather): And as if by magic you can also view it above! How handy is that! I don't just throw these posts together you know! Led by a sumptuous piano accompaniment, it kicks off with a delightful vocal from Derek and continues to soar until the tightly harmonised chorus with Johnny taking a lead on vocals. It flies, all of the solo parts are impeccable and it already sounds like a Christmas number one. Glorious times one million. This is why I need more from them. And soon...

ELOUISE:

What's not to love about Elouise? Her new Stardust Melodies EP came out last week and proved that she can take a familiar cover version and turn it around into something she completely makes her own. She would absolutely shine week after week on the x-factor taking on different genres and songs, though i think she would work best if Dannii were her mentor. Looking at her range and capabilities, it's both easy and frustratingly difficult picking songs for her week in week out - easy because she can turn her hand to anything; difficult because there is so much to choose from. I think I got it spot on this week...

• Rock choice ~ Black Velvet (Alannah Myles): I don't think I would even change this from the original arrangement very much. It allows Elouise to reign it in a little in the verses, even make it a little more coquettish than it is now - then gives her every opportunity to emote and go for it in those enormous choruses. I can't imagine this being anything but completely immense from start to finish...
• My choice ~ As Long As He Needs Me (Judy Garland): Oh! Another video. Aren't I good to you?! It's already staged like a mini x-factor performance with a nicely bronzed and buffed fireman parading around, but even that doesn't detract from the exquisite timelessness of the song. There's a deep emotional resonance in the vocal and it's a lush arrangement that beautifully complements this. Heavenly...

OK, that's your lot. Enjoy Beiber tomorrow and don't forget to keep me updated on what's going on in both Sat and Sun shows - and let me know what you think of Elouise and PnR! 'Preciate it!

I'm always a little bit in awe of acts that - no matter where they get their pop beginnings from - work hard to build up a public profile beyond shows like the x-factor. They tirelessly promote themselves at gigs, showcases and online to build up a following and then, ultimately, gain their hopeful big break into the music industry with oodles of success. Three acts I adore have been doing that this week. Take the very lovely James Leon. His new single Caught In Your Vanity (which I reviewed here and called a sublime piece of music, like a lost Human League demo) is out on iTunes this week and is already getting rave reviews from PopTrashAddicts and Fabtasticmusic. It's already been played on Larry Flick's Morning Jolt (where I can't wait to take the lovely Princes & Rogues) and just shimmers from start to finish with synthy delight. Likewise, lovely Elouise has been wowing the crowds at Madame JoJos this week with a performance to bring the house down, while my adorable Princes and Rogues have been all over the country performing and turning on Christmas lights. Just sadly not in Birmingham. Sigh. Here is what I would have given them all to sing this week:

• Princes & Rogues ~ Ob La Di Ob La Da (it would have been AMAZING!!)
• Elouise ~ In My Life (a la Bette Midler in For The Boys)
• James Leon ~ Ticket To Ride (a beautiful shimmering synthy version)

Anyway... on with the show...

BEATLES WEEK:

• INTRO ~ Everytime Cher(yl) Lloyd and Katie Weasel pop up on my screen I feel properly billeous from my tongue to my tummy. Dermot has a nice waistcoat on this week and a rather regal tie. I choose to believe it's because of the upcoming royal wedding. Hurrah Katilliam! He introduces Beatles week. And the judges. Dannii once again is an elegant vision, while CherylChainMail is wearing whatever knights wore under their armour back in the day. Some old man appears on the video screen to tell the acts to just get on with it. Indeed.
• MATT ~ Boys are first again? I really must check out this, I'm sure it's a conspiracy!! I check. Out of 7 live shows, boys have been first 3 times and last once, while girls have been first once and last a whopping 5 times!! Hmmm. Anyway, Matt is very upset that Aiden has left and compliments his tight ass. Or something. Matt is having dancers this week though i suspect he won't dance. He's forgotten to put his shirt on (i'm not complaining) as he does Come Together (how bukkake) and it's all rather good. A little bit dangerous. A little bit sexy. A little bit amazing. Christ alive! Louis has been using CherylChainMail's hair dye! How scary. Matt (mercifully) has stopped using his praying hands and kisses one of his fists instead. Dannii says she is dripping. I've heard that happens to women once they've had a baby...
• CHER(YL) ~ CherylChainMail introduces her as adorable and I'm on the phone right away complaining to trading standards about that description. A puppy is adorable. A girl who looks like she would glass you with a WKD bottle is not. During Beatles week she decides to sing a John Lennon solo song. Because apparently rules do not apply to her! I don't even think she is that good and why she keeps grinning inanely as if to say "yes, i'm really this brilliant" is beyond me. Simon takes a drink mid performance. He's probably bored. To be honest, i went to heat up some mulled wine! PS ~ CherylChainMail's hair looks greased down in bacon fat. Yuck.
• ONE DIRECTION ~ Yay! I'm really loving a bit of Wand Erection. And I actually wrote that as WE without even thinking about it. Incredible. Dannii says they must get it perfect. Dear god, don't let Zain sing then! hoho. They are up on boxes singing a rather glorious, uplifting version of All You Need Is Love. COMPLETE WITH LOVE LOVE LOVE BACKING VOCALS. AND HAND CLAPS. It sounds totally beatles via Bay City Rollers via 2010. I love love love. KEY CHANGE. EUPHORIA. Yes, i liked it. A lot. CherylBaconFat is in a right pissy mood tonight. I'm perversely pleased by this. Yay.
• REBECCA ~ Rebecca is loving airbrushing. I would love it.I have to attempt photo shop to get rid of my lines, wrinkles and bags. She is singing a Beatles song according to her "scintillating" VT, because that little nugget is as interesting as it's going to get this week. At least that puts her one ahead of Cher(yl)!! She's doing Yesterday and sadly not the En Vogue hip hop version. She's dressed as a blood clot and obviously has a terrible vitamin deficiency as she has rickets. Her legs are REALLY FAR APART, like she has taken it up the 'arris!! Good God! She must have had a hard day's night, chortle. Look, I haven't written much about the song because we all know Rebecca is a jolly fine vocalist. I'd just like something a bit different. Dannii should have dragged her along when she went to see Elouise this week to see how someone can excel at slow songs but also be more versatile.

• MARYFROMTESCO ~ Maryfromtesco's daughter (DawnfromBeeJams)is the spitting image of her in't she?! I'm half hoping that Mary sings while scanning items through on a till. She's not. Sadness. She does that Shirley Bassey version of Something In The Way She Moves. I think she's trying to be sexy with her girlish headbead on. And Pat Butcher's flowing jacket. (Dannii has the matching Pat Butcher earrings). I really quite like the performance. I think it's a bit pointless getting Mary to do anything beyond 1979 as it's not what she is about nor is it what people want from her. PS, i totally think Louis' suit is from the "buy the suit, get the shoes, shirt and tie free" range for £129 at Burtons. Bargainings!
• PAIJE ~ Paije felt punched in the face last week. Oh dear, he must have run across CherylBaconFat in the toot!! More chortling. He's doing Let It Be. It's a bit big for him, like his usual line in cabaret jackets. I wanted to give this to Princes and Rogues this week for my fake judges choices so I'm a bit miffed. He wheels out the children's choir from Michael Jackson's Earth Song and looks a bit godly on his podium. I suppose someone had to give them some work. Personally i'm grossly disappointed that he didn't bend the rules and do the Frog Chorus. That is proper immensicles. Louis calls him a little Marvin Gaye. Jesus, don't let his dad in the building...
• WAGNER ~ Each week the judges (rightly) slag Wagner off but let's not forget he wouldn't be at this stage of the competition if they hadn't kept putting him through the various stages and the public kept voting him through, so in effect they are slagging themselves off (which is ok) and slagging off the voting public who pay their wages (sort of) (which is not ok). Wagner runs on stage practically frenching the mic doing Get Back. Then it goes a bit weird for the Hippy Hippy Shake. I think someone is standing on his foot as he keeps going "ow" a lot. Then he does Hey Jude-Ju-Ju-Ju-Jude-Na-Na-Na-Na-OW! Oh. My. Christ. Said like Pamela Arugelashefsca Shipman from Gavin And Stacey. Was there a note in tune? I couldn't find it! CherylBaconGrease is in a right strop about something Wagner allegedly said in the paper. We have to ignore all the stuff written about her acts, and their behaviour and what they have said, but we must have our attention drawn to something Wagner allegedly said about CherylBaconFat. Hideous.
• KATIE ~ A girl goes last for the 5th time. Does being in the bottom 2 a total of four times out of 6 so far not tell you anything?! "The public saved you, don't forget that" bleats whiny CherylBaconFat. Uh, not really they didn't. She's come this week dressed as Eponine from Les Mis in her latest manipulative attempt to trick the public and she sort of sings Help. But it's not the Lanananeenanoonoo version so i'm not interested and she's not Aiden so that's a double negative. Which in this case does not make a positive. Meh meh meh. I don't know why I bother. It's clear the producers and half the judges want her to stay and will manipulate the show to keep her in so my opinion or anyone else who doesn't vote for her in their millions doesn't really matter. Dannii is right on the money and I absolutely love her for it.

Top performances ~ One Direction; Matt; Mary
Bottom 2 ~ Katie; Paije

Although I write my notes while I'm watching the show on the tellybox, I usually type this little intro bit after so I can tell you that I'm well miffed that two of my Elton John songs that I had chosen in the week for my own fizzypop factor were snaffled tonight. Bah. Oh well. I'm still having one of them, i'm just moving it from Elouise to Princes & Rogues (who will no doubt do a much jauntier performance of it - I'd initially thought they would do a sterling Something About The Way You Look Tonight but never mind). So here are the sort of songs of Elton John i would have picked for my lovely acts...

• Elouise ~ Written In The Stars (from Aida)
• Simon Curtis ~ Electricity (from Billy Elliot)
• Princes & Rogues ~ Can You Feel The Love Tonight/Just Can't Wait To Be King medley(Film version of the former with the playful intro, Elton version of the latter - i do a mean medley of this on the piano!!)...

Right on with the show proper, but not until you've enjoyed the latest Princes & Rogues video above...

ELTON JOHN WEEK

• THE INTRO ~ It's the first proper theme week really isn't it? Like actually properly one artists songs. I'd have preferred Take That Week really (see my choices for that in the comments) but I'll take what I can get. The Bitch Is Back plays as the judges come on - for rubbish voter Cheryl no doubt. Louis has dressed as Dermot once again which is most annoying. Ooo it's straight to the boys before I've even had time to diss Cheryl's hair...
• PAIJE ~ Apparently the Harry Potter main cast all recognise Paije from some bit part he did 4 years ago. Rrriiiiigggght. Paije comes on stage in a hideous pink jacket - like something Victoria Wood would wear in the 80s. HE would be a brilliant drag queen - someone call RuPaul's Drag Race stat! He's singing Crocodile Rock which I absolutely rock on the piano. My fingers are flying up and down them keys. Paije does ok but I think he got a bit distracted by all the balloons at one point. Christ alive, Louis compares him to Luthor Vandross. This is bordering on offensive now - next week it will be Tracy Chapman!! Simon and Louis are quite nasty about the ok performance and you can live pause the moment Paije's heart breaks. Back to extras work on Deathly Hallows part two then :(
• AIDEN ~ Hang on! 2 boys in a row again? This happened last week! Surely this is some weird conspiracy! Aiden too would make a brilliant drag queen though he would be more elegant than Paije. He thinks it would be "rubbish" to leave at this stage of the competition, which is about as honest as you get and akin to Nicola Girls Aloud saying she thought it was a "boss experience" on Popstars The Rivals. Aiden's doing Rocket Man (I would've picked Tiny Dancer) in a far too jazzy jacket standing on a white formica table inbetween two pianos. Which he walks on. I'm not happy about this, i have a thing about people walking on pianos. I have never walked on mine, though drunk i did mock hump it once and I think it never recovered. Louis naturally spaffs some more man love over Aiden while Cheryl is back to looking like Princess Fiona (the ogre version). Simon accuses Louis of "manstruating". My words not his. It's all drama tonight innit? It was an ok performance. I'm more and more convinced that Aiden is whispering "call me" in Dermot's ear when they shoulder bump each week!!
• MARY ~ An ace gang member unkindly suggests that Mary and Hagrid have never been seen in the same room at the same time. I swear a piece of cheesecake comes out my nose at this point. I think she looks lovely this week and does a fine version of the Elton Can You Feel The Love Tonight with a tricky key change. I thought it was quite decent and she was much more confident this week. Simon thinks telling Mary she has a heart is a compliment, but let's face it most people have a heart otherwise they would be dead. Next he'll be telling Rebecca she's real. Oh. Pissing nora!

• KATIE ~ Will she "sod it" this week? No one wants her here (except Mark) including CherylFiona. Sadness that she doesn't do the only song that could have potentially made me be interested for a millisecond (The Bitch Is Back). Instead she looks like an auditionee from failed musical Desperately Seeking Susan and sings Saturday Night's Alright For Fighting. And not well. There's a lot of fisting in the performance at one point and Dannii looks as unimpressed as I am. CherylFiona and Louisontheblob have a fight and then Simon joins in and it all gets a bit uncomfortable. I would be furious if someone told me to shut up though. It's the main reason I don't like the Black Eyed Peas...
• MATT ~ I wish I had thought of the name Matt Cuddles. That is rather brilliant and more socially acceptable than Matt Hardon. CherylFiona says any artist is only as good as their last performance so god knows what that says about her ogre like abilities. I do prefer Matt's outfit this week and he does huge credit to Goodbye Yellow Brick Road. Kudos to it being more uptempo than normal (though he looks pained and strained in some of the falsetto)... Incredible performance though and when I've watched back some of his older shows this week he has given a winning performance week on week. THE PRAYING HANDS CONTINUE THOUGH!! (Probably to ward off his new superfan Bellatrix Lestrange!)
• CHER(YL) ~ I sort of predicted Cher(yl)'s song on twitter this week. I said she should do Sorry Seems To Be The Hardest Word (Blue version complete with Simon Webbe "yo yo"s). Then I thought she might do Eminem's Stan cos Elton duetted with him on it once. So I was sort of right. Go me. Cher(yl) says she could've worked in a shop "which is fine". How magnanimous of her!! "What I gotta do to make you love me" she starts singing - a lot more than this you future Asbo holding little dear. Meh. She merges Sorry... with some Eminem song. Simon loved it though I am left pondering what there was to love as her singing vocal wasn't that great particularly on some of the higher notes. And there are a lot of better, more innovative singers out there right now - DeeDee, Jessie J, Eliza Doolittle, Caro Emerald, Nicki Minaj et al

• WAGNER ~ "Dur-mot". Brilliant. Daniel Radcliffe initially looks terrified of Wagner but this is probably because he has dressed as Lucius Malfoy for the HP premiere. Jesus! Technical difficulty means dead air time - which is still better than Wagner who does I'm Still Standing. Sort of. Loving the dance routine behind - like it's the reception of his wedding from last week. His "wife" stands next to him as he does a sort of ghastly Circle of Life. I'm surprised the Mrs didn't give birth and hold Wagbo baby high in the air at the song's finale. Dannii is stunned. "Is it the divorce next week?" She muses. (PS Louis - THIS IS NOT A MASH UP)!!!
• ONE DIRECTION ~ They are just turning into a proper little boyband int they? Accessible fashions from high street stores that still look proper decent; Harry snogging "birds" in Simon's dressing room; singing my FAVE Elton song that I've always thought would work for a boyband (and the one I wanted to give to PnR tonight!), etc. Daniel Radcliffe gives them permission to fantasize over Emma Watson. CHRIST ALIVE. This sounds well pervy. I love love love a bit of Something About The Way You Look Tonight. It's very Westlife visually but the song is a corker. Stunning - love the key change. If they win this competition (and they might), pick this as the winner's single because it will be the first one I've bought since Shayne Ward if they do. Adore them. So off to iTunes to purchase this right now.
• REBECCA ~ Will it be a slow song? Probably. Her posture is dreadful in VT but her dress at HP is lovely so it all balances out (though she might not in later life if she doesn't sort them shoulders out). She's doing Candle In The Wind (I would've picked Your Song). It's performed very well but i'm not sure what else to say about Rebecca. She's good, yet I'm strangely unmoved. Oh my.

Top 3 ~ One Direction, Matt, Mary
Bottom 2 ~ Wagner, Katie (though if Wagner is in bottom 2, we get Katie ANOTHER week. Sheesh)...

Take That week suggestions in the comments...

Once again, I cannot be bothered to address what a travesty of a non-theme American Anthems is. Unless Cher(yl) raps the Star Spangled Banner, I'm not interested. I am still amused, however, by Rihanna calling herself superficial when she meant superstitious on the Xtra Factor last week. Maybe this will calm my rage. Here are the tunes I would have picked for my deserving fizzyfactor contestants...

• Princes & Rogues ~ America (Razorlight)
• Simon Curtis ~ Damn, I Wish I Was Your Lover (Sophie B Hawkins)
• Elouise ~ All These Things I've Done (The Killers)

• THE INTRO ~ One button suit, a pocket hanky and a poppy. Oh Dermot, you rock my world. Louis also chooses to wear a grey suit but it doesn't quite fit him as well. Cheryl is dressed as a black widow this week and looking awfully smug after leaving her acts to piss off to the USA to sign a record contract there. Hmph.
• CHER(YL) ~ Cher(yl)Clone is in it to win it and is singing a song that is tattoeed on her wrist. At 17. When you are clearly old enough to decide that you wish to scar your body for life. She does that Alicia New York songy thingy with the Jay-Z rap. Cos she raps too you know, in case you forgot last week. She does neither singing or rapping very well this week and at one point she seems to mug a blonde girl with such ease and finesse that she clearly has experience in this field. Either that or she's giving her a noogie. If that's the right expression for when you rub your knuckles on someone's head. I don't know - it was all nippletwisters in my school. Of course the judges love it - except Simon who says that last week Cher(yl)Clone was 100% original. Singing a cover version. By god, CherylBlackWidow looks jaundiced. Cher(yl)Clone looks as furious at Simon as she did a few weeks ago at Dannii. Simon is getting a noogie later...
• MARY ~ God, the Faith Hill anthem is going to be the dullsville There You'll Be (US #10 hit, hardly an anthem) when it should have been This Kiss. Sigh. She doesn't look any worse for wear at having had Vargnur walk in and peek at her foofoo. She does seem, however, to be struggling with the tune and desperately searching for the note at times. Nice song but not her greatest week. I love how seriously Dannii & Her Enormous Gold Bow take the judging. Louis just says Mary is a real person. Are they not all real, except Cher(yl) who is a clone? Mary just looks knackered - like she's done a double shift at Tescos.
• KATIE ~ Has she actually stopped crying yet? Oh, according to the VT, no she hasn't. Though she has had a lot of doors slam in her face on her quest for a career in music. I exhibit no surprise and kindly point out that HMV are looking for seasonal staff. She "sings" No Doubt's Don't Speak (actually never charted on the Billboard 100 due to the rules at the time, but i'll count it as an anthem cos it was every bloody where when i was working in NY in 1996). It's no Gwen Stefani who Katie has erroneously been compared to on the show in the past. She crouches with 'emotion' at one point but it just looks like she is taking a massive dump :( Apparently (if you trust digital spy) she didn't practice, and it shows. It was entirely ghastly so of course Louis says it was brilliant. Dannii & Her Enormous Golden Bow are spot on. Bravo Dannii...
• AIDEN ~ His quiff is getting more enormous by the week isn't it? And they show him "having a laugh" with Brian Friedman while he (Aiden) is wearing a very du jour knitted cardi. INTENSITY Aiden! He is singing Nothing Compares 2 U (written by Prince, ergo sort of American Anthem nit picking fans) and sings it as if he is auditioning for the role of Hannibal in Silence! The Musical! His voice is tremendous; his facial expressions not so much - he's sort of like a deer caught in the headlights and Here's Johnny in The Shining. If you look away from the tv, the performance and vocal are actually very good indeed. Louis dribbles all over him again. He's verging on predatory. Run Aiden! "Raw talent, raw talent" groomy Louis cries. We all know he means "raw meat"...

• PAIJE ~ 2 boys in a row? Surely they can work out the order better than this?! Paije imparts such wisdom in his VT as "if I wasn't doing the X-Factor, I'd be doing my normal every day life". Sigmund Freud, analyse this! He's dressed like a down on his luck pimp in an orange waistcoat that clashes hideously with his poppy. He "mashes" (IT IS NOT A MASH UP) I'm A Believer (US #1) with Hey Ya (US #1) (both sort of american anthemic). He gets a bit breathless/hungry and almost eats the mic at one point. It is sometimes charming (particularly when he boogies) and sometimes awful but mostly just decent and a bit of harmless fun. Simon looks furious when Louis compares him to Lenny Henry. Even Louis looks a bit chagrinned...
• REBECCA ~ Please do something uptempo. Please wear decent lipstick. Please don't forget the words. And please don't cry. It's a ballad, but her lipstick is quite lovely and she remembers the words. Everything else fades out as she out Gamus Gamu with already-returned-to-the-top-5-thanks-to-the-x-factor To Make You Feel My Love (US #50 for Billy Joel but #1 country hit for Garth. I'll allow it. It just doesn't feel very anthemy though). I actually get a bit tearful. As does Adele thinking of the royalties as her song will no doubt yo-yo back up the charts. She looks stunning and sings beautifully. She nods enthusiastically when Louis tells her she is special and amazing :P
• WAGNER ~ it's v-v-v-v-Wagner says a very pleased Louis introducing this year's marmite. Louis is in full faux pas mode tonight. Probably to cover up Vargnur walking in on Mary and beating up one of One Direction. He's doing Viva Las Vegas which actually does feel like an American Anthem. He's doing it dreadfully though. And lots of female dancers shimmy behind him as if they are auditioning to be one of Paije's Pimp Posse. Oh! It's now merged (and not seamlessly or masheduply) into The Wonder Of You (less anthem-y)as he gets married to Christina Aguilera. Sheesh! Danni & Her Enormous Golden Bow nails it by calling him very Vegas Chapel of Love performer quality. (PS CherylBlackWidow is all over Dannii & Her Enormous Golden Bow this week!) "Isn't this like your 3rd marriage?" says a bitchy Dermot! BRILLIANT!

• MATT ~ Matt Hardon gets a bit cocky in his VT saying he's done enough to win the show. He's plastered loads of walls don't you know?! HE IS WEARING ORANGE/TAN TROUSERS AND SINGING ONE OF HIS AUDITION SONGS. Look, he sings it brilliantly, wonderfully, amazingly, it's a genius performance full of emotion and pathos. I admit that. Now let me have a little moan about him and Rebecca - they need to mix it up a bit. Go a bit uptempo. Even Westlife do fast songs! I would fall asleep listening to an album of this. It's beautiful in a one off setting surrounded by other artists. I need more. Am I asking too much? I'll get back to you in the morning. Matt does the praying hand thing again at the judges and borrows Katie's tears. I think he gets snot all over Dermot's £500 jacket...
• TREYC ~ It's a fight each week says Trek. Blimey, what's CherylBlackWidow got upto in the ladies now?! Hoho. Say what you want about Trek not having a thread, at least she mixes it up and shows her versatility, which is what they used to say to contestants who sang ballads each week (e.g. Mary, Rebecca, Matt, Aiden) - there needs to be a balance between having a thread and showing versatility. It's Ruth Lorenzo Trek this week as she sings one of my least favourite songs ever (along with Cher's Believe) Don't Wanna Miss A Thing. Yack. I tune out though the ace gang informs me it is of the quite good standard. "You sparkled" says Dannii & Her Enormous Bow. "Thank you" says an ungracious Trek through gritted teeth, before almost quoting Jumping Jack Flash at Dermot...
• ONE DIRECTION ~ The VT has flesh flashes for all the tweens and fmforum people out there. This is as inappropriate as the boys calling La Cowell Uncle Simon. Shudder. They are doing a very nice, perky Kids In America, dressed as jockish jocks. It's all very pep-rally and makes me smile at the exuberant joy they naturally infuse the song with. On it's so much fun - i love it, i love it, i love it. It cheered CherylBlackWidow right up and knocked the jaundice right out of her. Louis moans that it wasn't a hit in America. Uh, it made no. 25, it was fairly prominent in the Clueless soundtrack, tween sensation Jonas Bros rerecorded it as Kids of the Future for Meet The Robinsons, the American Juniors sang it and it was on the Jimmy Neutron Boy Genius soundtrack for crying out gods sake. I think it probably is one of the more anthemic songs about America of the night. I'm disappointed nobody did King and Queen of America by Eurythmics though :(

Fave 3 - One Direction, Matt, Rebecca
Bottom 3 - Wagner, Katie and (sob) Mary...

In a week where i've been compared to Sue Heck (The Middle), the Hallowe'en theme is bound to work my last nerve, so I'm going to put my fizzypop alternative contestant choices right at the top this week. And kicking it all off with a rather glorious interpretation to remind you of how grand they are - it's Princes and Rogues! Above is a little video breakdown of Relax by Frankie Goes To Hollywood. Totally different interpretation, loving the Bohemian Rhapsody formation, the harmonies and the perfectly synced head turns. Genius. That's why the continue to be part of this fun little feature. Here's what I picked this week...

• Princes & Rogues ~ This Is Hallowe'en (from Nightmare Before Christmas)
• Elouise ~ Love Song For A Vampire (Annie Lennox)
• Simon Curtis ~ Touch A Touch A Touch Me (From Rocky Horror)

More next week from them - now on with the show...

• THE INTRO ~ Dermot is in a waistcoast (vest for Americans). This is very good news indeed because I do like a nice waistcoat on a fella. The judges walk on to Thriller. Dannii looks ravishing in red. Cheryl's Split End has cleared right up - obviously L'Oreal (because she's worth it) sent over some deep root nourishing shampoo and conditioner (see I can be fair!) Though her skirt looks like the ruffle I put round my Christmas tree...
• MARY ~ Even if you take into consideration the Take That version of Could It Be Magic, the song is a good 18 years old. I see she's sticking with the Joan Ferguson haircut but added some Steps-esque Better The Devil You Know type horns. Festive. I think Mary generally knows the words, she just chooses to sing them in her own order. This means there is no childish smirk factor as she omits the classic "could it be magic come" line. Sadness. It's very dramatic and quite good, but it's no Rapino Bros remix. (Louis kind of looks like the puppet on the tricycle from the Saw films tonight)... SHOULD'VE DONE: Shakira's She Wolf with leotard and requisite wolf howls. Ow-ooooo"
• AIDEN ~ Aiden really needs to do something marvelous this week to make me reconnect with him. And so he doesn't look like he's actually home in his bedroom pleasuring himself to bad Twilight fanfiction. He's doing the Imogen Heap version of Thriller and doing it incredibly tensely. Even though his "woo" and "wiggle" with Dermot last week were very cringy, I am still just willing him to bust out the disco and do some Thriller dance moves. Le sigh. I always feel like I need a valium after seeing him sing. His guyliner is actually set to racoon. (He does the thriller dance for two seconds with Dermot, and on reflection he shouldn't do it at all. Ever). SHOULD'VE DONE: Jace Everett's Bad Things...
• BELLE AMIE ~ How they weren't in the bottom two last week is beyond me. The most interesting thing about their VT is the quick flash of finely sculpted male flesh. They are doing Venus - presumably because Bananarama did a video to accompany their version which could be loosely linked to Hallowe'en, I suppose. Sheesh. The vocals are dreadful to start with, get marginally better but at least they have really mastered standing and walking in a rigid line together. bravo girls, slow clap. It wasn't great. SHOULD'VE DONE: All*Stars Things That Go Bump In The Night (and remind us all of how cute Sam Bloom was)...

• REBECCA ~ She's wearing a pilgrim's hat in the VT. Or Elphabas. It seems like she is going for a nice emotive ballad for a change. You know, just to spice it up. She actually looks marvelous on stage though and does Chris Isaak's Wicked Game. Tenuous theme link and I should also moan about her doing a slow song again. However, she absolutely captures the spirit of hallowe'en by giving an utterly spellbinding performance. It was delightful. Cheryl's ruffle loves her but I still can't work out why The Tweed is wearing a badminton net as a top. This is why Dannii has the M&S deal and she's stuck with shampoo. SHOULD'VE SUNG: Bewitched, Bothered & Bewildered - History Boys Version...
• TREYC ~ She was Scared Trekless at being in the bottom two last week. She's back though and ditching the rock for pop. She promises to put blood, sweat and tears into her performance, which taken literally is incredibly repulsive. She looks like Sinitta in a hoody (which means she wouldn't be allowed in my local Tescos, or if she had more than 3 school children with her!) and does that Hallowe'en staple, Relight My Fire (because of the devil horns on tour, I'm presuming. I'm too enraged to go into why this is shoddy choosemanship!)(Plus these choices are really buggering up the potential for Take That week). Um ok. It's fine, much better towards the end. Dannii questions whether she has a signature sound or not. Simon disses Cheryl's Ruffle and the two have a row. Trek answers Dannii back. It's feisty. Dannii and Cheryl's Badminton net fume through the break. SHOULD'VE DONE: Hocus Pocus version of I've Put A Spell On You...
• MATT ~ I'm sure Dannii introduces him as Matt Hardon. I don't argue. Some girls in the VT scream "be my boyfriend, I'm from Essex" as if geographical location is all one looks for in a date/shagbuddy. He's doing Bleeding Love and i've given up on judging how songs are linked to the theme. Because periods are terrifying for young teenage girls?! It's nice to see him have a song with a beat, but it's fairly obvious he's not having a good moment. He does deliver a brilliant note just as the light shines behind him and this just about pulls it back together. I think he broke a blood vessel in his eye though. Ouch. Matt does the praying hands thank you a lot throughout his shoulder bumping hug time with the Derm. SHOULD'VE DONE: The Automatic's Monster, acoustic styl-ee...
• WAGNER ~ Louis says Wag0Nur again. Christ Alive. His pronunciation is as ridiculous as the judges bitchiness this week. There is allegedly a (sit on your) facebook campaign to get him to win the show. This is as absolutely ludicrous as trying to Family Guy's Bird Is The Word to the Christmas number one. He has borrowed Paije's redcoat jacket and Matt's burst bloodvessel eye. Lovely. He does a bit of Carmin Burina and Bat Out Of Hell. Neither well. It's on a par with Jedward's Ghostbusters from last year. He also has his guyliner set on racoon. Speechless. Dannii quotes Kath & Kim and saves the last three minutes of my life from being a total waste of time! SHOULD'VE DONE: Most probably Monster Mash or The Tubes Attack of the 50ft Woman. Who knows?!

• PAIJE ~ Zzzz. Oh sorry. Dropped off. The real terror this week will be what on earth Paije is wearing. I am warming to his starjumps in his VT however. I actually refuse to acknowledge Back To Black as a hallowe'en song so technically this fairly dull performance shouldn't even be allowed. He's this year's little aussie battler (been battling all his life, you can't stop progress, etc) and so the script says that the judges should love him. Ooo it's my shortest review this week. SHOULD'VE DONE: Defying Gravity from Wicked/Idina Menzel, all green paint, the whole shebang...
• KATIE ~ On reflection, apart from some flapping around the stage, her performance vocally didn't have a lot going on. She wears a massive muff in her VT and the script has now decided she is quirky. This terrifies me more than whatever non theme song she sings. Which i think is the Bewitched theme tune?! Dressed as The Corpse Bride mixed with Glenn Close in 101/2 Dalmatians. At this rate she will be doing I'm Going Bananas by Madonna in a few weeks. Louis is glad people identify with her talent (ie not her non-winnig personality then, though she is most natural with Dermot). STOP COMPARING HER TO GWEN STEFANI! She is not Gwen Stefani - she would never pull off a sterling failure to be the next madonna is not an option performance of What You Waiting For. SHOULD'VE DONE: Lady Gaga's Monster...
• ONE DIRECTION ~ Liam hurts his leg this week. And got his hair lightened. Harry looks increasingly like one of The Wanted. None of these salient facts are mentioned but may be in the dvd extras! I totally despair as to why Total Eclipse of the Heart (unless Eclipse = Twilight) is Hallowe'en (but then neither is my choice other than the video imagery so now I'm hypocritical). It's a perfectly nice Westlife version with a few dodgy harmonies. Probably my least fave performance of theirs, but thank god and hallelujah - Zain got in a decent note at the end. Chuffing heck. Sue Heck. Still find them entirely adorable and they will be here next week, SHOULD'VE DONE: Backstreet Boys' Backstreet's Back of course...
• CHER(YL) ~ This will either destroy Cher(yl) or have twitter spaffing up their love chuff over how magnificent it is. I'll tell you in a minute which. They sadly choose not to show her being booed at the Tinnie Tempah gig but do play Fight For This Love incase you forget that Cheryl's Badminton Net is a relevant popstar too, despite that shoddy Promise Me performance. It's Shakespear's Sister and Stay. Which honestly, only French & Saunders should do as a cover. Parts of it do work incredibly well, though she does shy away from the tougher notes. She cries at the end, with that old beauty pageant trick of stabbing herself with a bobby pin. Well played! Simon thinks it was incredible and the song of the series which means Twitter is ejaculating praise and glory on this performance as I write. I liked it. I've seen better...SHOULD'VE DONE: Probably this, i begrudgingly admit. Why have I gone from loving her so to being so irritated by her that even good performances put me off? Anyone?!

Fave 3 ~ Rebecca, Matt, Mary
Bottom 2 ~ Belle Amie & Wagner...

Shayne of the Ward is back people. And frankly it's been far too long. I feel like he should be either readying his fourth album or a greatest hits by now as it's been 3 long years since he left us Breathless (and thanked our mothers for giving us birth). Let's not be churlish though - my fave X-Factor winner so far (and owner of my fave X-Factor performance ever) has returned with a gussied up version of some Nickelback tune that I've never heard of. And very nice it is too. It's available to buy on November 7th, so I will be bitterly bitterly disappointed if he isn't on The X Factor results show on the same day... let the Take That chart competition commence. Oh. And here's the video (click here to watch on youtube)!

• Oh that shayne knows how to start a video. He is topless and buff in his rather nice apartment, staring yearningly across the city. I often do the same, but with muffin toppage going on over my trackie bottoms...
• There is a girl outside who takes a quick pic of him, all pectastic at the window. In the video, this is considered romantic and grand gesturey. In real life, he would slap a restraining order on her stalkerness. The little madam.
• (Disappointingly) Shayne has put a shirt on. it's quite a nice shirt though and it's nicely fitted. so many people go for the far too flowing baggy option without even thinking of how it looks. This is probably the sort of style know how that got Shayne his job at Next.
• He takes a picture of the moon. It's quite a nice picture which means he probably has at least 8megapixel camera on his mobile phone. I'm surprised he didn't put this picture on his twitter feed :P
• The stalker girl continues to take some quite decent pictures of pectastic Shayne. 1 of 230 apparently. Blimey. If she puts them on her facebook feed, I am so going to "friend" her...
• Let's just take a moment and pause at 38s. That's quite relaxing and nice isn't it?
• Shayne gets ready to go out. He walks past his maid (how bourgois). She is of course a sexy maid, getting flirty with a feather duster. Not at all like my cleaner, Mrs. Kadrinski, who is delightful but god bless her hasn't been sexy for years...
• At around the 50s to a 1m mark, Shayne heads onto the busy streets (of London?) and manages to hail a cab STRAIGHT AWAY. This is as unrealistic as Carrie Bradshaw getting a cab with no problem in NYC. Still, the lucky cab driver gets Shayne singing his heart out in the back, so he can turn his radio down and enjoy the show. Marv!
• What a head turner! After lots of interspersed shots of Shayne singing, he walks down a street where a couple are smooching. The girl turns and has a good gaze at Shayne and does the bottom lip bite. you know the one - where you are thinking, oh I would so tap that, etc. I like to think the boy has a good look too because honestly, you can never tell can you?
• 1m40s - walking past a nice street cafe. More ladeez look. One waitress overfills a glass with water. The water gushing everywhere is clearly a metaphor for her waters gushing everywhere at the sight of Shayne. I'm still loving his shirt for some reason.
• The lyrics are actually quite romantic and the song percolates along. The director of the video quite wisely reminds the viewer at various points that Shayne hangs around his apartment with some nice scented candles looking all toned and abtastic. I don't need the reminder, but it's a nice affirmation!
• At around 2m15s, he pops into a laundrette. He seems to strike up a bit of friendly banter with some dude and then convinces the fella to lend him his clothes. Shayne Ward can charm the clothes off random dudes! I am loving this!
• He strips off in the laundrette. I mean why not? I am thinking of selling my new washing machine and hanging out in said laundrette.
• Stalker Girl is back! Shayne either mugs her or "oi no pics" her and has a butchers through her 230 pictures. Some of them are quite good. He should probably hire her as his professional photographer. I mean, didn't one of Abba have a thing with their stalker once?!
• She runs away! I would want my phone back personally! Perhaps she is doing a benny hill type "ooo chase me" routine?!
• (Turns out the cab driver was a woman and happy to be paid for her service by Shayne's voice. I am going to blog in the back of a cab next time and see if this will get me off the fare...)
• Shayne's home! Phew. Oh no! Stalker Girl has followed him in! He turns and... sort of smiles? Yes it's all fun and games until the next video where he's tied up NathanEmmerdale style in a barn somewhere!!

Oh Shayne, how I adore your return :)

I just know that Guilty Pleasures theme is going to get right on my rosy pink-blush nips. I've seen the song list and at a massive massive push, I'd say 2 out of 12 are so called guilty pleasures. So it's another non-theme. In my infinite wisdowm, I shall add which songs I would've given the acts at the end of each write up. PLUS! BONUS DVD FEATURE! My song choices for my myfizzypop contestants are at the bottom of this post. Read on my pretties, read on...

• THE ENTRANCE ~ Dermot looks more and more like a politician each week. Granted, the type of politician you would like to have a sex scandal with and then go home and play Dusty Springfield's In Private. Dannii looks glorious while Cheryl's Hair has merged into a new character (to be revealed shortly) and is dressed as a giant tampon. Or perhaps she's chosen this flesh coloured onsie to remind her of her natural skin tone prior to the wood staining of live shows week one...
• PAIJE ~ Oh Paije. He has gone shopping. This is very necessary after his previous two weeks of fashion faux pas. A young (possibly blind) girl tells him he is minging. I laugh like a hyena until the ace gang tell me that she actually said amazing. Oh. What a let down. Paije is going to lay it bare this week. Shudder. He comes on stage and is obviously practising for his future (as a Butlins RedCoat). He does an incredibly boring version of Ain't Nobody, and ain't nobody here listening cos I've snoozed off. He would make a beautiful drag queen. Cheryl's Hair is still ghastly. L'Oreal must be direct debiting back their fee as we speak. (SHOULD'VE SANG: Requiem by The London Boys)
• JOHN ~ Louis is so childish. "Last of my three acts Simon". John also went shopping this week. How thrilling. The song is apparently going to show a fun smiley side of John says Cheryl's Split End. By god it looks cheap. So it suits her perfectly. Miaow. Goddity God, John has his hair in a bun and is singing Zoom. But sadly not the playful Scooch version. No sirree bob. It's a pleasant performance but neither fun or smiley. Sadness. Ballet man (who got fake slapped in Wagner's performance last week) is rather good. Dannii says he is distracting, but it is a much better distraction that big dull John. Simon Cowell compares Ballet Man to a dog on heat. Oh he can hump my leg any old time...(SHOULD'VE SANG: Beg Steal and Borrow by The New Seekers)
• REBECCA ~ Cheryl's Split End does a hideous raise the roof thing when Politician Dermot mentions she is the only judge left with 4 acts. Ghastly. The VT passes me by and soon Rebecca is on stage dressed as Jessica Rabbit. For a split second I think she is going to wow me by doing Jake The Peg as she clearly has another leg stashed up against her right hip. Beautiful, flawless voice but by god the song was boring. And Rebecca's Hair has been attacked by Cheryl's Split End hair dye while her face was being held down in the make up bag! Ooo Simon has a dig at Dame Elton. Love it! (Dermot and Simon both steal lines from my just written notes. The cads). (SHOULD'VE SANG: Never Stop Me Loving You by Sonia as a ballad)
• CHER(YL) ~ I wonder if Cher(yl) feels trapped by the persona she has created - much like I often wonder if Lady Gaga ever just wants to make a 3 minute pop video but feels obligated to make a ten minute epic. Her VT doesn't do her any favours and I've gone off her in a massive way. She can only be saved now by doing Betty Boo or Salt n Pepa. Neither. It's No Diggity merged (NOT A MASH UP) with Shout. She is essentially Lady Sovereign. If this was Mary they would be saying her performance is the same each week. Cheryl's Split End is hideously smug as Cher(yl) (who has mopped up the trimmings from the floor of whatever £6 all in salon did Cheryl's Split End and glued them to her own scalp) states this is who she is as an artist. Yes. Lady Sovereign. I won't be downloading her homogenised album. (SHOULD'VE SANG: Shoop by Salt n Pepa)

• MATT ~ I'm sure this is going to be the Travis version of Baby, One More Time. I'll only be bothered by that if the judges blather on about how original it is. I'm just glad he isn't bleating on about being allowed out to Topman. God, anyone would think they were that girl kept in the basement. Or Nathan from Emmerdale. Oh god. ALARM. ALARM. The judges are all talking about how Matt needs to make the song his own. He doesn't. He sings the Travis version. He does look rather fine though. Let's not pretend this is his own unique stamp on things though. Sounds ace, whatever. What a proper young artist he has become. Can't beat Matt strumming himself off on a Saturday night. Cheryl's Split End says she feels like she is at an unplugged show. Yes. Of Travis. Simon praises him turning the song into his own. Or borrowing the Travis version. Churlish of me, because he was very good. (SHOULD'VE SANG: Baby, One More Time by Britney)
• ONE DIRECTION ~ One Direction love being on stage. They also love going shopping. Some girl screams "he winked at me"!! She practically lifts her skirt and winks back! There is something in the script about their song choice so apparently now P!nk is a guilty pleasure. They could at least titillate the world by doing U + UR Hand. But it's Nobody Knows. And they make it sound absolutely like a big boyband song with a superdooper key change. One thing - Zain really shouldn't be allowed to do solos. Just wheel him on with a ballgag or something. I do find it quite sweet when they all hug at the end. I do quite adore the little tykes. Dannii makes a valid point (she must be mind reading my notes) about P!nk not being a guilty pleasure which Simon just glosses over. (SHOULD'VE SANG: Lost In Your Eyes by Debbie Gibson)
• TREYC ~ Ah, Trek. Apparently singing live in front of millions of people is different to anything she's ever done. Well it would be if you haven't done it before, love. Talk about stating the bleeding obvious. She walks out with two dead birds stapled to her shoulders singing Whole Lotta Love by Led Zeppelin. Not Whole Lotta Loving by Six. Darn. She gives it a decent Tina Turner style vocal that falls apart in the middle and gets annoying by the end. She's no Ruth Lorenzo and when asked if she wants to be a rock chick, her smile says yes but her eyes are begging for mercy. Louis says this is the best show they've ever done. He is clearly overdosing on poppers. (SHOULD'VE SANG: Freedom by Wham)
• MARY ~ Let's face it, the only thing Topshop have got for Mary is a vacant position on the tills. Apparently she buggered up the song in rehearsal so is doing a song that isn't a guilty pleasure at all. It seems buggering up songs is rehearsal is a running theme this week. This does not bode well. Having a fall back song in week three is not bonza. There is a really serious Louis face when she starts to perform, and he then realises the camera is on him and does what he thinks is a woo but is more of a kitten purr. Her top is nearly see through and the mic nearly pulled into the gravitational thrust of her boobies. Stunning performance. Amazing. Two things - 1) she looks a bit like Joan Ferguson still from Cell Block H and 2)Dannii and Simon are right. She does need to take a modern song and turn it into her style a la Shirley and Get This Party Started. God, she will actually do that soon won't she? (SHOULD'VE SANG: Jack in the Box by Clodagh Rodgers. My most brilliant suggestion this week)

• AIDEN ~ I think Aiden has been coaching David Platt on Coronation Street on his current seizure storyline. He reflects on his less than stellar performance last week when really his biggest concern should be getting his bloody style right. Dannii says this week is his big comeback. Another alarming thing to happen in week 3! He does the Arctic Monkeys version of Diamonds Are Forever. Or perhaps some serial killer version. It's better than last week and I love Aiden's voice but something about him isn't working for me. Can't put my finger on what (though i'd like to try, etc. Fnar fnar)! Louis is spaffing up the chuff over him again - you can almost see him dousing a hanky in rohypnol. Good grief. BTW I am agog and aghast at Aiden's woos and busting a move during his Dermychat. This must never ever happen again. (SHOULD'VE SANG: The Sun Always Shines On TV by A-HA)
• BELLE AMIE ~ The sub-Saturdays go shopping. Facking hell. God, the VT will be awful when everyone gets to go to a premiere. Belle Amie have picked their own guilty pleasure, which right gets Cheryl's Split End's back up because it makes a mockery of having a mentor. They do a piss-weak, going home version of I'll Stand By You (AKA the real reason Cheryl's Split End is moody) with some weird height order and bizarre hair attachment going on. And don't even get me started on the harmonies. Not good. Louis totally attacks Simon saying he spends all his time with One Direction. So would I if I were Simon. Belle Amie have never lived up to the promise of Faith. He then yells "The Pretenders" repeatedly when Cheryl's Split End praises the song choice. I'm loving poppered up Louis. (SHOULD'VE SANG: C'est La Vie by Ace of Base but really what's the point. Go home & leave us to enjoy Ultra Girls)
• WAGNER ~ I've downloaded that Tom Jones song from last week. The power of the x-factor. Embrace the madness because here comes Mary-shagging, pot-smoking, Louis-hating Wagner! He needs to be arrested because he just murdered Spice Up Your Life. And with no attempt to merge, the song suddenly becomes Living La Vida Loca. He essentially talks his way through two songs. He reminds me of the owner of Center Stage in Gran Canaria (who once called me a cow for knowing all the words to Deadwood Stage, and then tweaked my nipples. Good times). Why do they all look so shocked - surely they've seen it all in rehearsal! (SHOULD'VE SANG: Rasputin by Boney M)
• KATIE ~ Apparently Katie thinks going to Topshop is an insight into Madonna's life. Poor deluded fool. Last week she mentioned Kylie and didn't sing her, so clearly this week she won't sing Madonna. Bummer. She does the jungle book and I'm grossly disappointed that she doesn't monkey walk around the stage. She's RUBBISH at flirting with the dudes in the middle 8. I could give her lessons. Weirdly, I really enjoyed this - possibly because of the song. Blimey! (SHOULD'VE SANG: Puppet On A String by Sandie Shaw)

My top three ~ Matt, One Direction, Katie (I KNOW!)
My bottom three ~ Wagner, Belle Amie, Paije

MYFIZZYPOP FACTOR CONTESTANT CHOICES

• Elouise ~ I've Never Been To Me by Charlene
• Simon Curtis ~ One Night In Bangkok by A*Teens
• Princes & Rogues ~ Be With You by Mr Big

Back tomorrow with the results! EEK!

as you must surely know by now, i love the x-factor. I am equal parts delighted and disappointed by it on a regular basis but it is surely the most engrossing reality/music show on tv in the UK at the moment. However, as i watch I am often reminded of all the talented folk out there whom I adore who are going grassroots and building up their careers and fanbase without the aid of tv's most powerful promotional tool. This little feature is dedicated to shining a light on their marvelous talent and investigating what songs they might be performing in the show... (PS both these acts are mentioned in a very ace post by Bobby!)

Your X-Factor alternative to...Cher = DeeDee

Let me preface this by saying I do find it quite exciting to have someone like Cher on this year's show. She's certainly not cut out to be your average contestant. Having said that, it does make me throw up in my mouth a little when Simon states that she is one of the most exciting pop acts in the UK right now. This is simply not true. She is arguably one of the more interesting contestants who covers songs of innovative artists right now. By the time her album comes out mid-late 2011, she will be a homogenised version of all those great artists she aims to be like. Sadness. DeeDee is out there and doing what Cher should be doing right now. Her "The Lowdown" EP (now on iTunes, mp3 buying fans) is a 5 song festival of gutsy, emotion-sharing, no holds barred musical magnificence that pops & sizzles with fresh sounds, tight production and the elusive "swagger" Louis Walsh keeps referring to. In short, it's an impressive debut. I've written about Balls and Endure (the latter not on the EP) already, along with the infernally catchy Bum Around (note - not Bum Love as I mortifyingly referred to it on twitter once!). There are still plenty of new delights to discover in The Lowdown ~ Balls still outranks Cee-Lo as one of the best "oh just fuck off" songs of the year. Amazing how something so theatrical and perfectly pogo pop can absolutely drip vengence and malice while still sounding so upbeat. This is one girl you don't want to piss off :) Bum Around is a call to arms to all those who do just want to follow the beat of their own (admittedly lazy) drum - and yes, I still get a rush from sing "bum bum bum bum" so many times in a row! Low sounds like it should be easily sitting in the top 5 of the charts right now - Terry Ronald and Ian Masterson have done a sterling job of crafting these percolicious melodies that wonderfully match DeeDee's distinctive vocal and offset the often cheeky downbeat lyrics. Been There Done That is my current favourite from the EP - ever been messed around? Fed up of playing manipulative mind games? This is the song / anthem for you. Hammond organs, hand claps and a galloping beat all swirl around DeeDee delivering her vocal with a real "are you kidding me" attitude. That she throws her all into the song and attacks the lyrics with such insightful finesse is what makes this EP a real winner. My x factor song choices for her so far? The Fear by Lily Allen (number ones week) & Devil in Disguise by Elvis Presley (heroes week)... Now go buy the EP :)

Your X-Factor alternative to...Rebecca = Elouise

I love Rebecca. Like Stacey last year, she brings an element of class and elegance to everything she does. My one hope is that she gains more confidence and performs to the audience, rather than looking like she is encapsulated in her own little world. Someone who knows how to put on a show of course is my beloved Elouise. Readying another live showcase at Madame JoJos, her second EP is imminent - and features a trio of classic songs given the Elouise treatment. I've already reviewed the title track of the EP, Stardust (video above) and the Abba classic, Winner Takes It All (video below) here... and I'm excited to hear what will no doubt be a soaring take on the motivational & often quite comforting You'll Never Walk Alone. Let's return for a second to Stardust, performed live above. In the first few seconds alone, Elouise is the song. She's so invested in performing it, throwing her all into the emotion of it that her tiny figure isn't at all dwarfed by the massive stage - it's the focal point for anyone in the room. I love some of the OTT production on the X-Factor but moments like this remind you that sometimes less is most definitely more. Similarly, the piano-led Winner Takes It All interpretation performed below is all about bringing the emotion of the lyrics to life, with insightful production and an absolutely heartbreaking (almost devastatingly so) performance. As I've said before, she's the Disney princess, some years after the Prince has run off with the scullery maid and singing her heart out to those lucky enough to hear her. From 3m13 to about 3m55 in the video below - well just watch and try not to be a little bit breathless by the range of emotions on display; and the powerful note of determination after the fragility of life's fractured ways. Amazing. My x-factor song choices for her so far? All Time Low by The Wanted (a paired down piano ballad version) (number ones) and Only Yesterday by The Carpenters (heroes). And i've got a doozy lined up for her for guilty pleasures week :)