Lopez Blogs

It's week two of Don't Stop Believing and it's paused on the DVR - partly to cut out all the adverts that pay for shows like these (in your face Argos!) and partly because I have a large slice of toffee cheesecake on one knee, which makes it difficult to write at the same time. If you missed week one, then you will want to click here for all the (non) essential information that will bring you up to speed for week two. WHICH BEGINS NOW!!

The intro:

Last week apparently began with a bang. A whimper of a bang of viewer voting sentimentality madness, granted, but a bang nevertheless. Poor Dice. But week two is allegedly even bigger! Even though it is exactly the same. I quite like the groups number opening the show with the Prayer theme. It's better than I Gotta Feeling last week and puts me in a much better mood for the show. But by god there are a lot of people who spent a lot of money on teeth whitening products on that stage...

Emma, who used to be in some pop group (:P) introduces the judges. Chucky is growing on me. A lot. But no time to develop a crush, the first act is up...

The acts:

• DAWSON'S CREEK (not really): Before they even start, they say they are performing a mash up. This had better be an accurate description. They are singing I Want You Back (Jackson 5) with literally one line of Take That's Back For Good. SO NOT A MASH UP THEN!! They are dressed in rebellious school uniform attire - I would never have gotten away with such wanton dress sense at school in my day (that's a nice story grandpa!) They remind me a bit of S Club 8 just before the amazingly pop second album - energetic dancing, decent singing, but not quite there yet. Still, not a bad opening tune. PS, Tamsin looks bloody gorgeous this week...
• ROULETTE: Oh! Adorable! From S Club 8 to Hear'Say! I love that they are rehearsing in a back alley while a real life version of Jack and Vera Duckworth are looking on, all sorts of speechless! They do a futuristic looking visual matched to Take On Me/Starry Eyed. Whoever the lead singer girl is, is a spitting image of Alison Goldfrapp! I do quite like their look and the song works well enough (more of a mash up than the NOT A MASH UP predecessor) - quite entertaining overall. There is something I really like about them, despite not being the best ever...
• SING LIVE: Good god, there are millions of them. The producers concentrate on the Artie from Glee character to show that everyone can be in a choir (just in case Glee hasn't proven this enough already). They are wearing the cheapest costumes ever for a Queen medley (NOT A MASH UP). Their efforts at dancing are questionable, other than a bit of half hearted fisting here and there. "Wow, that was incredible" effuses Emma at the end, in television's most insincere moment this year. Chucky basically says that they did the minimum amout required and makes it sound like a compliment. He is getting more brilliant by the second...

• REDROOFIANS: Theatre school! Jazz hands! Splits! Sob story! It's for charity - they may as well go and join last week's winners in the "sadness factor final" in a few weeks time. They sing We Are Golden and it is utterly utterly dreadful. It's shouty, some of the solo voices make my ears literally (not literally, but figuratively at the very least) bleed and it's all over the shop - much like their colour palette. The judges are clearly watching a different performance because they rave about it. I have to take 2 valium before I can even carry on...
• BLOK: I'm aghast at the spelling. And they are cheerleaders, so they have to match the dizzying heights set by Paula Abdul vocally (though Vibeology remains an unappreciated classic). They certainly are putting more energy into Something Kinda Ooh than Girls Aloud ever did and their harmonies give it a certain something to make it seem a bit different. The dancing is ace, the song is not entirely awful, not entirely magnif, but they are my second favourite of the night. BTW, Emma Bunton can sound so patronising when she talks to these acts...
• THREE SPIRES: OMG, etc. They are from Coventry, which is where I work! I don't know whether this will make me like them more or less. I will try to remain impartial :P Someone describes them as chuffing brilliant. Oh. My. Days. They turn Total Eclipse Of The Heart into some sort of disco number, which would be considered avant garde had Nikki French and a Westlife Soundfactory edit not done it first... The bloke singer's voice sounds incredibly strained, and the girl just sounds shouty. Of course the judges think they are amazing. I'm honestly not sure what to make of them...

The supergroup:

What the chuffing nora is going on here? There are 5 new members! This is more confusing than Big Brother 11. They allegedly scoured the country for the new 5, but from memory the audition pod was only visiting two cities. Hmmm. Here it comes! My god there are ten! This is not So Solid. They are taking "super" to all new literal translations. Last week's performance was much more inventive, though this week has better dancing. Will there be 15 next week? Oh there will! Jesus Christ on a cross!

The results:

In the 15 minutes the phone lines were open, I'm sure millions of Britons made an informed choice on vocal/dance talent and not sentimentality like last week. Don't get me wrong, I sob along with a sob story like the rest of you, but this is a talent competition and that sometimes gets lost in the ethers of sniffy noses. Blok and Sing Live (the latter of whom can only have possibly got through because so many of their families were voting) are in the sing/dance (well sing in Sing Live's case) off for the wild card show. It's obvious that Three Spires have won because the camera focuses on their director before it's announced. Yup, they've won. So another week where I could give two hoots about the winner. Darn. There is always weeks 3-5. The judges put Sing Live through to wild card, because they are clearly insane. Boooo. I'll still be back next week though, in the hopes of someone good getting through to the final!!

Coming this week: Steve Anderson presents 2; The new Olly video deconstructed; fizzypop chronicles...

Reality tv really does hook me in when it shouldn't. Usually, I'm just done watching something quite good by now (like The Apprentice - banished this year for a Junior version)then lose myself in something completely tacky (usually Big Brother) until X Factor returns and rules my life. This year, however, Big Brother has me ridiculously hooked all thanks to the will they won't they romance/not-romance/bad-romance of John James & Josie. Sigh. It takes me back to the days of Lois & Clark: The New Adventures of Superman when it was silly goodness and L&C were flirting the shit out of each other and I would be glued to the tv waiting for them to get together (which ironically killed the show. How Moonlighting - so maybe JJ&J are wise to play the tease game!!) But something else has come along and will pass the weeks until a proper music reality show is back (yes, X-Factor). It's channel 5's (think CW, American readers) Don't Stop Believing.

The concept:

It's one of those common things in tv that seems like a good idea, but is often rushed and poorly executed. Take a genuine pop cultural phenomenon like Glee and mix it with something you know works (The X Factor) and you have Don't Stop Believing. Or Don't Stop Glee-lieving as it should have been called. What should have happened is a couple of weeks of "hilariously" bad audition from choirs around the country, followed by 8-10 acts doing a live number each week, with one being voted off at the end of each show. That way you get to connect with the acts, see who can handle a variety of different styles and start to build some excitement towards who wins. Sounds simple, right?

Wrong. What you get is 6 new acts each week (over 5 weeks), with one being crowned the ultimate victor based on the public vote (which lasted about 12 minutes. Literally - i'm not really sure how many people can have voted, but it's not the greatest time frame allowed is it?) Then there is this confusing mess where the acts in 2nd and 3rd place get to sing the same song again, and the judges (more on them shortly) then pick one to go through to the wild card round. I think this essentially means there will be 5 acts battling for the last place in the final, despite not being good enough first time round.

Then there is this really odd thing where there is a "supergroup". Now, to me the definition of a supergroup is people from existing famous groups coming together to form a new group. This is five nobodies (apart from someone who made Popstars: The Rivals final ten, quit and gave the world Nicola Girls Aloud. So essentially she created history) singing together. Even more baffling is the fact that more people just from the general public will be added next week. It's bizarro tv at it's best...

The Judges:

There is Anastacia. She has sometimes had some good pop records. There is Duncan "still from Blue". He also had some good pop records, just not on his own. There is Tamsin Outhwaite. She was incredibly annoying in Eastenders, but incredibly brilliant in Sweet Charity. Then there is the guy who choreographed High School Musical and worked on the Michael Jackson nearly-tour. He has an interesting jacket on. The whole shebang is presented by Emma Bunton who is not the world's best presenter, but at least tries to look enthusiastic about the show.

Week One:

I didn't decide to blog this show until it had nearly finished. With the x factor, I am a complete blogging nerd and make notes as the show goes on the air, screaming like a banshee at anyone who dares interrupt my allegedly witty train of thought. This will all be done from a vague hazy memory. So will not be as good. Which will really make you want to read on, won't it, but try and persevere. I shall probably make scathing notes next week...

• All of this week's choirs/gleeks open the show with that bloody I Gotta Feeling, which is still the most annoying cacophonous mess I've ever heard. Would it have killed them to open with All The Lovers?!
• The judges are introduced and when Emma is talking about dance moves, she pronounces precision as "pre-sizz-on", which strikes me as a bit odd. I suspect her lips were dry from the nerves. Or perhaps she couldn't read the autocue - her eye makeup was so heavily caked on, she would have had to tip her head forcibly back to get her lids to open. Like a baby doll.
• First up is Dice (above). They are very good. They sing a rather good, theatrical version of a song I don't know (but sounds very familiar). It's a bit cabaret, it's very entertaining and they interact as a group rather well. The judges love them and find it impossible to say anything bad about them. Emma reminds the audience for the second time that High School Musical/MJ Not-Tour has won an emmy.
• Next is The Clas-Six. Do you see what they did with their name? This is the crazy world of show choir kids. They sang Video Killed The Radio Star and it was weird. Just bizarre. But the judges thought it was wonderful. Again. This would never happen on the X Factor. The judges are contractually not allowed to give praise to two acts in a row.
• Step Up make me happy. They are dressed like they are S Club Juniors and prance around like they are in Hairspray. They do a medley (NOT A MASH UP) of Sign, Sealed, Delivered and Freedom. It's very infectious, happy making and glorious. Duncan Still From Blue reminds the world that he once was in the charts, indeed with this song. About 8 years ago. And this version is better.
• Manchester Show Choir don't really have the most innovative name, do they? And while they do a nice medley (sometimes mash up but essentially NOT A MASH UP) of Bad Romance-Poker Face, there is far too much going on and it sounds quite shouty. However, there is a bit of a sob story VT (which is actually quite sad, so I won't go on about it too much but it's typically manipulative tv on the part of the producers). Actually the more I revisit this track, the less appealing it gets!! Of course Emma patronisingly goes to Malcolm (the sob story VT dude)...
• There are more sad backgrounds with Singer Station. And again, genuinely a little bit sad, but just cloying sentimentalism that often wrecks the X Factor. They do a pleasant enough version of True Colours, and the bit with the paint is quite novel - it's all a bit sickly sweet. They are kids though so the judges find ways of saying pleasant things without actually saying they were phenomenal or phenomenally bad. They were neither. They just were.
• Finally, there is EsChoir. Oh ho ho ho again with the witty names. I quite liked this group. Partly because they are all men and well, you know. And partly because they did bring something slightly new to Sex On Fire. UNBELIEVABLY, Duncan says the performance made him uncomfortable because it was homoerotic. Someone needs to get this man a dictionary stat. Homoeroticism makes him uncomfortable. I am quite literally agog.
• Then there is the bizarre supergroup thing. They actually do a nice job of of singing lots of different songs over the instrumental to Don't Stop Believing. The blonde guy with too tight trousers on (How Olly Murs) is quite cute and sings She Will Be Loved by Maroon 5 so is instantly a-ok with me. Later on, while waiting to wave himself off, he looks like a cross between a deer caught in the headlines and a deer caught doing something else (I'm not sure what, but something a bit naughty)... It's not that they were bad. They weren't. I just don't get what they are doing there. Or why more people will be added. And they are excited about this! I would be all "bitch, get out of my supergroup now, we are fine as five!"...
• Then, Britain lets me down once again, because Singer Star win. WIN! As in through to the final. This is frankly bollocks. They were no way the best act on stage. But they are kids and have had tough lives and deserve a break, so Britain voted them through. When I put it like that, I sound a right bastard. I'm just bitter it wasn't Step Up (who could've introduced Britain to Darin's Step Up in a moment of post modern brilliance).
• More bollocks voting as shouty Manchester Show Choir get thru to the sing off. But so do Dice and it's literally a foregone conclusion. God knows what next week will bring.
• It's brilliantly awful and awfully hilarious. I'm hooked...