Lopez Blogs

It's my mom and dad's anniversary today! 48 years of wedded bliss. Or at least 48 years of being married. Unfortunately poor mom had her handbag stolen from the car. This is the discussion I had when I found out... I shouldn't make light really, because it was awful but my god don't families make you mad sometimes?! :P

me: "Happy Anniversary mom!"
mom: "Is this the police?"
me: "Why would the police be calling you to wish you happy anniversary?"
mom: "..."
me: "Why are the police calling at all?"
mom: "i've been robbed. Someone stole my handbag out of my car when i was at the traffic lights"
(lots of discussion about if cards are cancelled etc)
me: "did you get much of a description?"
mom (deadly serious): "oh yes, he was wearing a blue jacket like the one you had when you were a little boy. I told them to call you to ask about it."
me: "I don't remember that in particular"
mom: "it was blue"
me: "ok, did you see anything else?"
mom: "he had black hands"
me: "do you mean they were dirty or that he was - for example, african caribbean?
mom: "oh i couldn't tell where he was from and I didn't have time to ask, his hands were a black man's hands though. Do you think they will find him?"
me: "!!"
mom: "well?"
me: "i'm sure the police will do their best"
mom: "i told the police about the blue jacket and his hands"
me: "oh. well i'm sure they will do their best"
mom: "I didn't see his face, but his hands didn't seem like he would be handsome."
me: "oh my christ"
mom: "I only bought that handbag in 2003"
me: "Oh. Do you want me to get you a new one?"
mom: "boys don't buy handbags do they?"
me: "I'm a gay, you're likely to get a stunning handbag"
mom: "Margaret from church has said i can have an old one of hers"
me: "is that what you want?"
mom: "It's very nice of her isn't it and I don't like to make a fuss..."
me: "well let me know."
mom: "i had just taken £70 out of the bank "
me: "oh dear. Aare you alright for money"
(protracted conversation about cash that essentially means I'm £70 lighter now)
me: "I'll pop round tonight"
mom: "no don't make a fuss. I just want an early night now. Honestly, I'm alright. Was a shock."
me: "are you sure"
mom: Yes. I can't believe Margaret wants to give me a scrappy old bag"
me: "oh i know, the nerve"
mom: "ok the milkman's at the door. it might be the police."
me: "um"
mom: "this is all your dads fault anyway. I told him to come with me"
me: "bye mom"
click.

10 minutes later - text from one of my siblings "mom says you can't even be bothered to go round tonight!"

Oh. My. Days/ :)

Oh I've been a right moody cow bag of late, and that can't have been much fun if you have been visiting me here or on twitter. I apologise. My identity theft is all but sorted, the computer is better after a hideous virus stripped it of it's dignity (and ability to work properly), and a good long sleep today seems to make the world seem better :) Plus I attended the lovely wedding of Lydia and Tom yesterday which was just heavenly. The weather just about stayed nice for them, Lydia looked all sorts of Audrey Hepburn elegant and the event was just a delight from start to finish. I don't really have much more to say with this catch up, but I'll add some photos soon and get up to date with what's happening in the music world asap :) Oh, the charts are below. Let me know what you think :P My piano cover of Can't Stop Love is a corker and perfect for yesterday's sentiments :) So yes, the number 3 song is dedicated to Tom & Lydia :) PS (one of the pictures is horribly off centre - if anyone can do a good editing job on it I will love you forever. I am re-loading all old programmes onto laptop but may take a while!!)

Top 21 songs of the week:

21 ~ Bjorn Johan Muri, Circles
20 ~ Chanee & N'Evergreen, In A Moment Like This
19 ~ Gabriella Cilmi, Love Me Cos You Want To (NE)
18 ~ Simon Curtis, Beat Drop
17 ~ The Bang Bang Club, Chemistry
16 ~ Ola, All Over The World
15 ~ Le Kid, Mercy Mercy
14 ~ Scissor Sisters, Any Which Way
13 ~ McFly, Party Girl
12 ~ Bright Lightx2, Love Part II
11 ~ Dirty Disco, White Room
10 ~ Kylie, Get Outta My Way
09 ~ Kylie, All The Lovers
08 ~ Eric Saade, It's Gonna Rain
07 ~ Same Difference, Shine On Forever
06 ~ Magic Numbers, Pulse
05 ~ Amy Meredith, Lying
04 ~ Brandon Flowers, Crossfire
03 ~ Darin, Can't Stop Love
02 ~ Darin, Lovekiller
01 ~ Maroon 5, Misery (4 weeks)

Ah, what a lovely weekend this has been. It has seen the civil partnership of one of my very best friends Ruth to the very lovely indeed Lou. Darren and I had the honour of being the best men, and despite the stress and trauma over the speech, that was all forgotten on the actual day. The ceremony was heavenly (though no religion allowed of course), the setting delightful, the speeches went down a treat, and the whole day was just magnificent (particularly the discovery of a Port based drink called Cheeky Vimto. Amazeballs). So enjoy some photos of people you don't really know, enjoy the speech below and enjoy love (how cheesy) because i think if you look for it, love, actually, is all around :P

BEST MEN'S SPEECH:

Paul: Hello ladies and gentlemen and variations there of. I hope you can all hear me at the back? If you can't, the silence from the people at the front should reassure you that you're not really missing out on much!! Now if I could just start with some audience participation... if you can all shuffle forward a little bit in your seats. That's it, don't be shy. Now if everyone on the left side of the room could give me a big "ooo" - that's it! And everyone on the right, if you could give me an "aah"! Brilliant. There you go, Ruth & Lou, I told you I'd have everyone oohing and aahing on the edge of their seats :)

Sadly that's about as funny as the speech gets today so if you could all just laugh when I raise my right hand in the air we will get through this a lot quicker. No doubt most of you know that we are Paul and Darren, the best men of Ruth and Lou. However, my full name is Paul-would-you-like-a-drink. I do hope you will use it when you are standing next to me at the bar later on!!


We are thrilled and honoured to be the best men of Ruth and Lou. According to tradition, the first of my tasks is to thank certain people for their contribution today. Frankly, I think they have had it easy - standing around, pouting, preening their hair and looking pretty, but without them today would not have been the same. Ladies and Gentlemen, I give you... the fathers of the brides, Keith and John (rapturous applause, etc)...

I've been asked to keep this speech clean and free of any of my usual smutty sexual innuendo, so if there's anything the slightest bit risque - well you know me, i'll whip it straight out!! So with that said, I better hand over to Darren!!

Darren: Hello everyone. I have to confess I'm a bit nervous about this speech. I do feel comforted by the fact that I actually rehearsed this in front of a live audience yesterday. Yes, I nipped into the local old people's home and they absolutely loved it. Well - they pissed themselves anyway...

I've researched the responsibilities of being the best man to a lesbian couple. I trawled the internet for hours and found some great stuff. Then I remembered that I was meant to be looking up best man speeches, not tittering at bad Britain's Got Talent auditions...

Typing in "lesbian speeches" into google is a bit of an eye opener, I'll tell you that for nothing! I eventually ended up in a chatroom where a lovely lass called Brenda (with a five o clock shadow) told me I was the most feminine girl she had chatted to in ages! SCORE!! Anyway, she told me to present you with something called a furry cup!! I have no idea what this is - Ruth, Lou would you perhaps like to explain to people how on earth you drink from a furry cup?!?!

It turns out my main job here is to sing Lou's praises and tell you what a great girl she is. As I can't sing and I shouldn't lie, this will be a very short speech! I also discovered that the speech should be shorter than it takes the bride to down a four pack of lager, so already I'm way way over!!


Rather brilliantly, I first met Lou at my own civil partnership to Paul. It was a ridiculously hot day and Lou and I bonded over a couple of guests at the reception we became very fond of - Stella and Becks! They were great - tall, blonde, cool and Lou tells me they went down a treat! Trouble was, we could never agree whose round was next...

We further cemented our friendship over what I was told would be a luxury spa break in North Wales. Turned out to be a weekend playing Balderdash in a plumbed in caravan in prestatyn sands :/ I was struck by Lou's sensible nature and practical approach to life. The four of us were walking along a nice river, when rather inconsiderately the path stopped and turned into a rocky free for all. Before I even had chance to turn around to ask if we were carrying on, Lou was already halfway back down the path with a cheery yell of "bugger that! I'm off to the pub for an ice cream and a pint!!" - which was where we found her half an hour later when we all finally realised that this had been the best idea all along...

I did ask Lou's mom and dad if they had any cute photos of her from her past that I could show today. They did have this really cute one of her lying on a sheepskin rug, gurgling, eating a chocolate biscuit and dribbling. I was going to blow it up to show you all today, but it was a bit too much - they did after all only take it last wednesday!!

I did want to say that Lou is always a delight to be around - she's funny, giving, caring and yes, can drink me under the table. And Lou, you look stunning. I'm so glad I talked you out of the dungarees and doc martyns idea :P It's been lovely being your best man today - so thank you, and I'll hand you back to Paul...

PAUL: Well, I didn't think I was nervous about this, but let's just say this isn't the first time I've got up from a warm seat today with some paper in my hand...

I've actually known Ruth for 15 years and have amassed loads of inappropriate stories to tell about her. However, Ruth literally begged me not to tell them here today - so I shall be telling them over there, by the bar, later!

I'd like to share 2 rather heartwarming, charming anecdotes about Ruth. The first is reflecting back on my own civil partnership when Ruth had the honoured job of holding the rings. In true "comedy wedding" style, i had left the rings at home and sent poor Ruth running back through Birmingham City Centre to find them. She had to tear the apartment apart before they turned up and I assured her by phone that there would be a taxi at the rank down the road which could bring her the 15 minute walk to the registrars. There wasn't and poor Ruth demonstrated what an amazing friend she is by picking up her hoop (ooer) and running all through Birmingham to get them to the church on time. Amazing.

She further demonstrated her true caring nature - that which I like to believe she demonstrates on patients as a nurse - at one of our annual pilgrammages to the V Festival. I had come down with a bit of a dicky tummy and Ruth did a sterling job looking after me. And by looking after me, what I actually mean is that she came back to the tent, through some Alka Seltzer at me, yelled "here you go, you owe me a fiver. I'm off to watch the indigo girls!!" Thanks ruth, thanks a lot :)

Ruth has actually become my anyway friend. An anyway friend is a person in your life who no matter what you say, and no matter what you do - no matter what they go through in their life will love you anyway. So my sincerest wish is that for Ruth - Lou, and for Lou - Ruth, you will become each other's anyway friends. It doesn't matter how old you are or what your responsibilities are, if you have true unconditional love you will not only make it but enjoy it. So to my anyway friend and her anyway friend, I wish you a life of happiness and joy.

Ladies, gentlemen, variations thereof - the blushing brides, Ruth and Lou...

Soon: Gravitonas! Kimberley Locke! Michaela Wright!